the right to be an absolute dick

Posted on November 6, 2013 by greg

Okay, so maybe it’s not clearly articulated in the Constitution of These United States, but c’mon you guys, you know it’s there. It’s what we call an ‘implied right’ and it’s totally guaranteed right there in the Ninth Amendment.

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

That’s it. That’s the entire 9th Amendment. It’s like, what…twenty words? Plus some Revolutionary War punctuation. Basically, it’s the Founding Fathers saying “Dude, we’re not going to write down every possible Right, because c’mon that’ll take forever, and besides — quill pens?” So just because the Right to be an Absolute Dick isn’t clearly enumerated, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

A couple days ago a patriot exercised his Right to be an Absolute Dick by toting a rifle slung over his shoulder into Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix. That just made him a dick. The fact that he did this two days after the assault on TSA agents at LAX made him a Really Big Dick. It was his decision to bring his 12 year old son along with him to the airport — and arm that child with a semi-automatic pistol — that catapulted this guy to Absolute Dick status.

This guy and his 12 year old son had geared up and gone to the airport to meet an arriving passenger. The guy told the Phoenix Police Department he and his 12 year old son had come armed because he “feared for his family’s safety while at the airport.” I guess because you never know what sort of nutcases will show up at the airport with guns and start shooting folks.

You’d think the other people at Sky Harbor International would be comforted by knowing that there was a guy and a 12 year old boy armed with semi-auto weapons to defend them against anybody who might show up at the airport with semi-auto weapons. But no. Those sissies called the police, just because they were irrationally distressed that a guy and a 12 year old boy were strolling around the airport with semi-auto weapons two days after a guy a guy with a semi-auto weapon went to an airport and killed a TSA agent and wounded a few others.

Obviously there was no reason for them to be upset. I mean, the guy had armed his 12 year old son. Surely that showed he was rational and reasonable. What kind of nutcase would bring a 12 year old boy to the airport and NOT give him the opportunity to defend himself? Remember what NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre said:

“The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Also, a 12 year old boy with a gun. Also too in addition, maybe a 12 year old girl with a gun — if you can find a pink Hello Kitty semi-auto that’ll fit into her cute little hands.”

You may have noticed that I’m referring to the guy who gave his 12 year old son a semi-automatic pistol and brought him to the airport only as ‘the guy who gave his 12 year old son a semi-auto pistol.’ That’s on account of the police didn’t report the guy’s name (nor the name of the 12 year old boy). Why? Because they didn’t do anything wrong. It’s perfectly legal for folks (including, it seems, a 12 year old boy) to openly tote firearms into the unsecured areas of ~~OK Corral International~~ Sky Harbor International Airport.

Sure, maybe the guy and his 12 year old son scared the shit out of dozens of other people waiting for flights at the airport — and sure, maybe the guy and his 12 year old son drew police officers away from their other duties and areas of responsibility — but a right that isn’t exercised isn’t a right at all. And this guy has a Constitutional right to be an Absolute Dick.

I can’t help remembering, though, what happened a few years back when a few Muslims awaiting a flight stopped to pray. And I can’t help wondering what would happen if an Arab-American exercised the right to openly carry a firearm in an international airport.

another angry anti-government white guy with a gun

Posted on November 3, 2013 by greg

Another angry anti-government white guy with a gun. We’ve been through it all before, and we’ll undoubtedly have to go through it again and again because this is what the United States has become. It’s sad, pathetic, and completely fucking stupid — but there it is.

Another angry anti-government white guy with a gun. And yeah, race is a factor. Sure there are angry minorities, and anti-government minorities, and minorities with guns, and even angry anti-govenrment women with guns. And yeah, some of them go to a mall or a school or a fast food restaurant and open fire — but not very often, and when that happens people express shock.

Paul Anthony Ciancia

Was anybody terribly shocked that Paul Anthony Ciancia — another angry anti-government white guy with a gun — went to LAX and opened fire? No, not really. I suspect most folks just thought ‘Here we go again.’ I suspect most folks could even make a reasonable guess as to how Ciancia was dressed and armed. Let’s see…angry anti-government white guy with a gun…I’m gonna go with black clothes or camo, a bulletproof vest, some variation on an AR-15, and a buttload of ammunition. And they’d be right.

We all know how this sad, stupid story will play out. There’ll be talk of tightening airport security, conservatives will blame a flawed mental system (while voting to cut funds for mental health systems), some folks might even suggest this is a ‘learning moment’ (but if we learned anything at all from the Sandy Hook massacre, it’s that we never really learn anything at all), and the lunatics at the NRA will raise funds by claiming the president will use this shooting as an excuse to ‘grab our guns’ and violate the rights of law-abiding gun owners.

Smith & Wesson .223-caliber M&P-15

They’ll ignore the fact that Paul Anthony Ciancia was a law-abiding gun owner until he carried his Smith & Wesson .223-caliber M&P-15 into LAX and started shooting TSA workers. Almost all mass murderers are law-abiding gun owners until they start killing people. By the way, I’ve got a shiny new quarter that says gun dealers are going to be selling a LOT more Smith & Wesson .223-caliber M&P-15s over the next couple of weeks.

The LAX shooting will disappear from the news in a couple of days. Most of us will go on with our lives and not give it another serious thought. But you know who will give it thought? Angry anti-government white guys with guns. We see this as a tragedy — no, not even that, really. We see it as just another in a seemingly interminable cascade of mass shootings. But angry anti-government white guys with guns see it as evidence of a conspiracy directed at angry anti-government white guys with guns — and they’ll get angrier and buy more guns.

Think I’m being pessimistic? Read this story on one of the most popular conservative ‘news’ sources, WND.com: Did TSA Know LAX Attack Coming? It’s conspiracy theory nonsense, but compared to the conspiracy theories posited in the comments, it sounds almost rational. If you have the stomach, read the comments. If you read the comments, the odds are you’ll feel a sense of despair. You’ll feel a sense of despair and you’ll turn away and probably try not to think about it.

And that’s one of the reasons we continue to suffer through these mass shootings. We’ve allowed a handful of angry anti-government white guys with guns to determine our future. They get angry and act, we despair and turn away. Until we get angry and stay angry and act on that anger, they’re always going to win.

can i discriminate just a little bit, please?

Posted on October 18, 2013 by greg

If you want to skip all the details, here’s the meat and potatoes of this post:

Betty Ann Odgaard: “Really, I’m not a bad person — I just want to be able to discriminate against gay folks getting married without getting in trouble or losing any income over it. Don’t make me do it, okay?”

This is how it all started: a gay couple wanted to get married at the Görtz Haus Gallery, which is a popular local marriage venue (it also serves as a rather tony luncheon bistro, has a flower shop and a gift shop, and offers picture framing). The owners of the Görtz Haus, Betty Ann and Richard Odgaard, informed the couple that they don’t allow gay weddings in their facility.

The Odgaards, you see, are Mennonites (well, she’s a Mennonite; he’s just a Lutheran with Mennonite tendencies). The Confession of Faith in a Mennonite Perspective states marriage can only be between one man and one woman. Therefore it would violate the tenets of the Odgaards’ religion if they allowed a same-sex marriage in the Görtz Haus.

Unfortunately for the Odgaards, same-sex marriage has been legal in Iowa since 2009. The gay couple filed a grievance with the Iowa Civil Rights Commission, and the ICRC essentially told the Odgaards they were required to follow the law like everybody else.

Görtz Haus

All pretty straightforward so far, right? The law says the Odgaards can’t “discriminate against any person because of race, creed, color, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, religion, or disability.” The Odgaards were discriminating because sexual orientation. The Odgaards were told to stop doing that. And the green grass grows all around, all around. End of story, right?.

Not if you’re Betty Ann and Richard Odgaard. Given the choice between 1) following the law and 2) following the tenets of their faith, the Odgaards chose a third option: they decided to sue the Iowa Civil Rights Commission.

Betty and Richard Odgaard

Lawyers from the Becket Fund for Religious LIberty have offered up a novel legal argument (and by ‘novel’ I mean ‘loopy’). You can read the entire complaint here, but from my reading it seems their argument rests on three points.

Point One — the Odgaards aren’t homophobes. They hire gay folks to do stuff for weddings, they serve lunch to gay folks in the bistro, and they let gay folks buy stuff in the various Görtz Haus shops.

[T]he Odgaards have willingly hired and served gays and lesbians throughout the Gallery’s history

Point Two — it’s not the Odgaards who want to deny same-sex couples the use of the Görtz Haus for their weddings, it’s their religion.

The Odgaards’ decision not to plan, facilitate, or host wedding ceremonies that violate their religious beliefs is an action taken without regard to the sexual orientation of any potential customers. Their decision is instead based on a religious conviction against personally and publicly promoting activities that violate their religious beliefs.

Point Three — if they’re required to choose between following the law like everybody else or following their religion, then they’d have to stop allowing anybody from getting married in the Görtz Haus, and that would reduce their income.

Despite the devastating impact it would have on their business, the Odgaards’ religious convictions would require them to stop hosting any wedding ceremonies rather than knowingly host wedding ceremonies that violate their religious beliefs.

In other words, the Odgaards are simple gay-friendly folks whose religion prohibits them from letting same-sex couples get married in their facility, so they’d very much like the court to let them get by with just this teensy-weensy bit of discrimination so their church will be happy and they won’t lose any income. Is that so unreasonable?

Oh, and if the court won’t allow them a little leeway in discrimination, then the Odgaards would like the court to “declare that the Iowa Civil Rights Act violates the Iowa and United States Constitutions.” They’ve also asked that the ICRC to pay them “nominal damages” for their unfair treatment. Also attorney fees.

I suspect Betty Ann and Richard Odgaard are fundamentally decent people. I believe they truly enjoy putting on weddings at Görtz Haus. And I’m sure they appreciate the income brought by those weddings. I’m confident that what they really want is for everything to go back to the way it was before that same-sex couple complicated their lives by asking to get married in their facility.

That’s how privileged people always feel. They always want the world to return to a simpler and more comfortable time when they didn’t have to consider the feelings or wants or needs of other folks.

There’s a lot of real religious repression taking place in the world. There are places where practicing religion is actually dangerous. But Iowa isn’t one of them. Nobody is preventing the Odgaards from practicing their religion. Nobody is denying them the right to express their religious beliefs. If there’s a conflict between their religion and the law, they have a clear choice: follow their religious beliefs and accept the loss of income from weddings, or follow the law and continue to live comfortably.

The choice may be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be difficult.

media blackout

Posted on October 14, 2013 by greg

As you probably know, over the weekend ~~a million~~ ~~twenty thousand~~ ~~eighteen hundred~~ ~~more than two hundred~~ almost a dozen truckers ~~shut down America~~ ~~engaged in a powerful civil protest~~ circled the Washington, DC beltway a few times. You may not have heard a great deal about this courageous stance in face of tyranny because of the widespread mainstream media blackout..

Shutting down America

Also over the weekend a ~~million military veterans~~ ~~several thousand veterans~~ ~~nearly four hundred people (some of whom might be veterans)~~ few dozen members of the Tea Party rallied at the World War II monument on the Mall under the leadership of Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin, then marched on the White House where they ~~impeached the president~~ stood around for a while and waved a Confederate flag. You may not have heard a great deal about this courageous stance in face of tyranny because of the widespread mainstream media blackout.

On the way to impeach the president

See, this is the disadvantage of living under tyranny. Widespread mainstream media blackouts make it really hard to shutdown America and impeach the president. Also, it rained — which always puts a damper on a revolution. But so long as millions of real and true Americans are willing to stand up bravely and defy a dictator who is ~~a negro~~ ~~a communist~~ ~~a Muslim~~ ~~a foreigner~~ trying to force affordable healthcare down our throats, then…then…you know, freedom and Benghazi. For all. Amen.

thwarting all over the place

Posted on October 10, 2013 by greg

As we all know, truckers are going to shut down America this coming weekend and arrest all those members of Congress who are violating the U.S. Constitution by not impeaching President Obama for being a secret Muslim. Also Benghazi. And fuck healthcare in the neck.

Freedom! Benghazi! Guns and Bibles!

At least that was the plan. But you guys, that plan may be thwarted. Totally thwarted! According to a real actual article written by Glenn Ryt on RedState.com, “unknown White House officials” have approved a plan by the Department of Transportation to use the National Guard “to thwart the three day Trucker slowdown.” See? They’re going to thwart!

How is this traitorous thwarting going to happen? The National Guard will shut down the I-95 Capital Beltway.

The National Guard resources to be used to thwart the truckers will include rifle toting National Guardsmen called up from units that will be coming in from Maryland, Pennsylvania and Virginia. They will use Guardsmen on foot and using trucks, jeeps and armored vehicles, which will be stationed at all entrance ramps to the Beltway to block incoming traffic starting early Friday morning.

Rifle toting and thwarting, you guys. Armored vehicles at ALL ENTRANCE RAMPS to the beltway! All of them, every single one. We know this is totally going to happen on account of “the paucity of information” on the DOT’s website. They’re trying to hide their plans for trucker-thwarting. The DOT website claims “[D]uring the government shutdown, some online content may not be updated on a regular basis.” You see? DO YOU SEE?

Second Amendment! Drill drill drill! Fuck healthcare!

That can only mean one thing: the National Guard is totally going to shut down the beltway. This overtly traitorous act is only possible because Obama the Muslim closed down the government — and he did it just before the truckers were scheduled to arrive in the District of Columbia. Coincidence?

Now, you may be asking yourself “Why would Obama shut down the entire government in order to allow the National Guard to shut down the beltway in order to prevent the truckers from shutting down the beltway, thereby shutting down the entire government?” SHUT UP!

Thwarted!

Anyway, you guys, I know it’s disappointing, but it’s possible the truckers might have to abandon their plan. They may not be able to shut down America after all. All those Congressional traitors might not get arrested. On account of the thwarting.

government shutdown explained in two quotes

Posted on October 3, 2013 by greg

Marlin Andrew Stutzman is a Republican member of the United States House of Representatives. He represents the 13th District in Indiana.

Marlin Stutzman, Republican, Indiana

“We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.”

Don Fanucci is an extortionist for the Black Hand in Little Italy. He represents the Sicilian mobster Maranzalla.

Don Fanucci, Extortionist, Black Hand

“This is my neighborhood. You and your friends should show me some respect. You should let me wet my beak a little… Tell your friends I don’t want a lot. Just enough to wet my beak.”

It’s that simple.

no, no you’re just wrong, stop whining

Posted on October 2, 2013 by greg

Okay, just stop. All of you shit-for-brains who keep calling President Obama a tyrant, just stop for like twelve seconds and open a fucking dictionary. Seriously, words have actual meanings; this isn’t Through the Looking Glass and you’re not Humpty-Dumpty.

“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.”

No. No, it doesn’t. The term tyrant has had the same fundamental meaning since the 13th century. We’re talking eight hundred fucking years in which everybody who wasn’t a complete fuckwit agreed on what a tyrant was.

And speaking of fuckwits, here’s Wayne LaPierre, Fuckwit-in-Chief of the National Rifle Association:

As members of the oldest civil rights organization in the nation, NRA members know tyranny when we see it.

No. No, you don’t. You don’t know tyranny when you see it. Maybe that’s because you haven’t actually seen tyranny. But here’s the difference (one of the many differences) between fuckwits like LaPierre and other folks: we acknowledge that a civil right is one that protects individual freedom from unwarranted infringement by the government, and ensures the individual’s ability to participate in the civil and political life of the State without discrimination or repression. Because of the Second Amendment, the NRA is technically a civil rights organization. We dislike giving them that cred, but it’s reality and we acknowledge reality.

The NRA, on the other hand, doesn’t. Because they think they live under tyranny. The same is true of notorious fuckwit Alex Jones.

Obamacare Is The Gateway To American Tyranny!

No. No, it’s not. It’s just a healthcare system. Not only that, it’s a healthcare system you can choose to opt out of, if you’re willing to pay a small fine in the event you actually need healthcare. Think of it like this: you can opt out of the speed limit if you’re willing to pay a small fine in the event you get caught. That doesn’t mean speed limits are the gateway to tyranny, you moron.

And then there’s this fuckwit:

Obama wants us to “reject the voices that warn of tyranny”. Well of course he says that, because that is exactly what he is perpetrating upon you and me; TYRANNY ! This president has shown BY HIS ACTIONS, that he doesn’t give a fig about democracy, liberty or freedom. He has gone out of his way to crush Christianity, American values and free thinking.

No. No, he hasn’t. You have to be dumber than dry toast to think Christianity has been (or is being) crushed. You have to be galactically stupid to think American values have been crushed. And not only is free thinking alive and well, so is free expression. Your bone-headed blog is proof of that.

Here’s a simple test to determine whether or not you live under tyranny:

If you can call the ruler of your nation a tyrant without fear of 1) arrest, 2) incarceration, 3) arbitrary, non-judicial execution, or 4) any sort of reprisal at all, then you are NOT living under tyranny.

Seriously, you people sound like a bunch of whiny babies. Obama wants to force us to have health care…tyrant! Grow the fuck up. Obama doesn’t think I need a thirty round magazine for my AR-15…tyrant! Well, you don’t need a thirty round clip, but right now you have the legal right to buy one, so stop being a sniveling little bitch about it. Obama thinks it’s okay for gay folks to marry…tyrant! Giving gay folks the same rights as hetero folks does not — and cannot — infringe on your freedom, so don’t wet your pants over this. Michelle Obama says we should eat more fruit and vegetables…tyrant’s wife! The president’s wife is black and a woman and she has opinions different from yours, deal with it.

Okay, you dislike President Obama and you’re opposed to his policies. Fine. That’s perfectly legitimate. But Jeebus on toast, if you truly think he’s a tyrant then all I can say is you are too fucking stupid to breed.

You want to see tyranny? Go pull this whiny bullshit in North Korea. Never mind holding a public demonstration and using a loudspeaker to call the president a tyrant; never mind writing a publicly accessible blog accusing the president of murder and drug dealing and suppression of civil liberties; never mind sitting in a coffee shop and freely discussing your opinions about the president. Just go to North Korea and whisper that the leader of the nation is a tyrant — and see how long it takes before you’re in a cell having electrodes connected to your gentleman’s tackle.

Tyrant…pffft. You people are embarrassing yourselves.

inherit the windbags

Posted on October 1, 2013 by greg

New Ulm, Minnesota. You may know it as the Gateway to Mankato, or the Polka Capital of the Nation (hometown of the legendary polka band Harold Loeffelmacher and the Six Fat Dutchmen, as well as accordion virtuoso Whoopee John Wilfahrt). But there’s more to this town of 13,594 good citizens than The Jolly Lumberjack Polka.

New Ulm is also the home of Martin Luther College, where eighty educators teach some eight hundred students to be deliberately and willfully stupid. College faculty recently discouraged students from participating in the New Ulm Actor’s Community Theatre’s production of Inherit the Wind. The faculty expressed concerns about “perceptions that could be formed by some constituents due to the material portrayed in the play.”

Spencer Tracy and Frederic March (Inherit the Wind)

If you’re not familiar with the play (or the brilliant 1960 film adaptation starring Spencer Tracy), it’s loosely based on the 1925 Scopes ‘Monkey’ Trial, in which a Tennessee high school teacher was put on trial for illegally teaching evolution in a state-funded school. That’s right, it used to be illegal to teach evolution in some states. Essentially, the play is about the conflict between religious faith and freedom of thought. The title, appropriately, comes from Proverbs 11:29.

He that troubleth his own house shall inherit the wind:and the fool shall be servant to the wise of heart.

Martin Luther College ain’t having any of that freedom of thought business, no sir. Nor any of that evolution foolishness. The college is owned and operated by the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod (WELS), and WELS Lutherans are pretty strict about creation. The WELS website states:

The Bible and Lutherans teach that at the beginning of time God created heaven and earth and all creatures. He did this in six days. He spoke his almighty word to create all things. He made everything out of nothing.

That isn’t any more stupid than other creation myths (though I’m rather partial to the ones that involve turtles; I like turtles). And hey, it’s their college and they can believe what they want and teach what they want, right?

Martin Luther College (statue of Luther pointing to a passage in the Bible and asking "Who wrote this shit?"

Martin Luther College (statue of Luther refuting turtle-based theology)

But it seems rather cowardly of them to discourage their students from participating in a play that discusses some pretty important issues. It doesn’t speak well of their ministry if they’re afraid for it to be challenged — not in court, like in the play, but by a play put on by a community theater in a town of fewer than 40,000 people. It shows a distinct lack of faith in their students if they’re afraid that acting in a play (or working on the production crew) will cause them to form ‘perceptions.’

The college’s Vice President in charge of Student Affairs put it best:

“This is a ministerial school. People employing our students need confidence about their views.”

Heaven forbid their students might start to think for themselves — then Lutherans who aren’t afraid to talk about faith and evolution wouldn’t engender confidence in their flock.

That, right there, is stupid piled on top of stupid. I really don’t care if they choose not to believe in evolution; they have a right to be ignorant. What bothers me is that this is exactly the sort of thinking that leads to extremism. It’s the sort of closed-minded thinking that leads to abstinence ‘education’ in schools, and rejection of vaccines, and government shutdowns. Be stupid yourself if you want, but surely it’s a sin (if sin exists) to force other folks to be stupid too.

Let me leave you with these words of wisdom from Whoopee John Wilfahrt…

Polka, baby, polka.

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