devin nunes serves at the pleasure of the president

Devin Nunes: Hi, I’m Devin Nunes, a very serious and totally scrupulous Republican Congressman from California and the Chair of the House Intelligence Committee, and boy do I have a four-page classified memo for you.

The American Public: Oh? What’s it about?

DN: I can’t tell you. It’s classified. All I can say is that it refers to a massive conspiracy by high-ranking members of the FBI colluding with Hillary Clinton and the Obama administration to create a false narrative accusing Donald Trump of working with the Russians to get him elected. Also? An equally false narrative that Trump is impulsive. And ignorant. And a racist. And stupid. Plus some other stuff. Like, you know, sex stuff.

TAP: Wow. That’s awful. Why would FBI agents do that?

DN: To prevent Trump from being elected. Which he did anyway. You should really see what’s in the classified memo. It’s horrible what they’re doing to the president.

TAP: Show it to us.

DN: I can’t. It’s classified!

TAP: If it’s classified, I guess it must be serious.

DN: It is! It’s SO serious. Everybody who’s seen the classified memo says it’s the biggest scandal since Watergate. Bigger even! It’s, like, the best scandal ever. The worst, I mean. Everybody says so. It’s all in the memo that you can’t see.

Steve King: Hi, I’m Steve King, also a totally scrupulous Republican, but I’m from Iowa which is like three or four times more scrupulous than California. I’ve seen the classified four-page memo and it shows our very democracy is under attack by a secret society of Trump-hating FBI agents who hate Trump and are secretive about it. Except when they talk about it to each other. Which they mostly do in secret. Also, I’m not a racist. People say I’m a racist because I make racist remarks, but that doesn’t make me a racist. It makes me seem authentic, which is something my base likes. Also too, that memo is shocking.

TAP: Maybe you should give it to the Director of the FBI, so he can investigate his agents.

DN: Can’t! The FBI are the bad guys. We can’t trust them.

TAP: Maybe you should give it to the Department of Justice.

DN: Can’t! They might try to cover it up so the public never gets to see it.

TAP: What about the New York Times or the Washington Post? Could you give it to them? Let them publish it?

DN: Give a classified memo to the liberal media? That would be wrong. But if the American People were to see it, there’d be hell to pay in the traitorous anti-Trump FBI cabal conspiracy. It’s SO BAD!

TAP: What do the Democrats on the Intelligence Committee say about the memo?

DN: Nothing! They’ve been completely and totally and suspiciously silent about it.

TAP: Have they seen it?

DN: Are you crazy? Let Democrats see a classified memo? They’d leak it.

TAP: Okay, then maybe this memo should be declassified. Who can declassify it?

DN: You mean besides me? And besides every Republican member of the House Intelligence Committee who’s seen it? And besides every Republican member of the Senate Intelligence Committee who’s seen it?

TAP: Yes, besides you and all those other people, who can declassify it?

DN: President Trump.

TAP: Then why don’t you or your colleagues or the president declassify the memo, so it can be released to the American People?

DN: We totally want the memo to be released. Totally. And so do our supporters.

Russian Social Media Bot: #releasethememo #releasethememo #releasethememo

DN: See? Popular support to release the memo. Fox News is all over this too, demanding the memo be released. It really needs to be released if we want to save the presid…our democracy.

TAP: But you won’t release it because…?

DN: We can’t! It’s classified!

TAP: (long silent pause)

Russian Social Media Bot: #releasethememo #releasethememo #releasethememo

DN: Release the memo!

TAP: (long silent pause)

DN: Benghazi!

TAP: You’d totally suck Donald Trump’s dick if he asked you to, wouldn’t you.

DN: I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.


dude, c’mon. alabama (part 3)

— I don’t understand what’s going on in Alabama.

— That’s okay. The people of Alabama don’t always understand what’s going on in Alabama.

— I mean, Roy Moore lost? Actually lost? A Republican lost to a Democrat? To a pro-life Democrat? In Alabama?

— These are the days of miracles and wonder, as the poet Simon said. And dude? This is like our third or fourth conversation about Roy Moore. And, it’s to be hoped, the last.

— Dude, c’mon. Alabama.

— Fair point.

Roy Moore watching election results (SPOILER — he lost.)

— I mean, sure, Moore lost…but he hasn’t made a concession speech yet. He’s talking about fighting it.

— As far as that goes, Moore hasn’t conceded that the South lost in the Civil War. Hell, he didn’t concede to the fact that he was kicked off the Alabama Supreme Court. Twice. Concession is not his strong point.

— Being an unrepentant racist, misogynistic fuckwit, that’s his strong point. And a pedophile.

— Well, not technically a pedophile. But yeah.

— But at least the people of Alabama have rejected him. Maybe now he’ll just disappear.

— Not all the people rejected him.

— Most of them.

— Actually most of the white folks who voted cast their votes for Moore.

— You’re joking. Tell me you’re joking. You’ve got to be totally fucking joking. Please say you’re joking. You’re not joking, are you.

— Nope. More than seventy percent of white men voted for Moore. More than sixty percent of white women voted for him.

— Jeebus fuck me with a chainsaw.

Roy Moore deeply regrets his decision not to hire more than one Jewish lawyer.

— Black folks, that’s who kicked Roy Moore’s ass. Black women in particular. The NAACP and the volunteers that got folks out to vote, that’s who kicked Roy Moore’s ass. Old school grassroots campaigning, that’s what kicked Roy Moore pale ass.

— I got to say, today I love me some Alabama. I’m starting to remember how to breathe again. I’m convinced that today will be all bluebirds and rainbows.

— You want to see this happen in other states, you might want to consider breathing a bit coin in the direction of the NAACP. What happened yesterday was great, but it’s still a long way to go.

— Okay, okay, but we can celebrate today, right? I mean, this is huge, right? We can take a day to relax and spread joy and all that, can’t we?

— Yes, but…

— But nothing. Dude, c’mon. Alabama!

— Alabama, yes sir. Alafuckingbama. Bring on the bluebirds.

dude, c’mon. alabama (part 2)

— I don’t understand what’s going on in Alabama.

— That’s okay. The people of Alabama don’t always understand what’s going on in Alabama.

— I mean this whole Roy Moore thing. What’s up with that?

— Wait. Didn’t we already have this conversation? Like a couple of years ago?

— Yeah, we’ve had this conversation twice. But then it was about Judge Roy Moore and same-sex marriage. Now it’s about Roy Moore and dating high school girls. That’s crazy, isn’t it?

— Dude, c’mon. Alabama.

— But high school girls?

— And junior high school girls. The first accusation was made by a woman who said your boy Roy hit on her when she was fourteen. You know what that means?

— That Roy Moore is a pervert?

— No. Well, yeah. But it also means your boy Roy was thirty-something years old and hitting on a girl who was in the eighth grade.

— Jeebus on toast.

— I know. In the eighth grade. Sitting on a bench in the Etowah County courthouse.

— What was an eighth grader doing in the courthouse?

— Her parents were getting a divorce. They were there for a child custody hearing.

— So not just an eighth grader, but an eighth grader who was emotionally vulnerable?

— Yup. Also? Your boy Roy was an assistant district attorney at the time.

— Sweet Jeebus tuna salad.

— Funny you should say that. One of Moore’s toadies defends him by saying Joseph was older than Mary so it’s really sorta kinda Christian for Moore to be hitting on girls in the eighth grade.

— Seriously? Who’d buy into an argument like that? Who’d even make an argument like that?

— Dude, c’mon. Alabama.

— Yeah, but it sounds like Moore is maybe a pedophile or something.

— Not technically a pedophile. Pedophiles are attracted to pre-pubescent kids. Moore held off until they reached puberty.

— So there’s that. It’s a great campaign slogan. Roy Moore: Not Technically a Pedophile. His opponent must really suck, if the polls are that close. He’s got to be like a devil worshiper or something. A communist, maybe.

Technically not a pedophile.

— His opponent is Doug Jones. He’s the guy who indicted Eric Rudolph, who planted bombs at a women’s health care center and the Centennial Olympic Park. Jones also prosecuted the KKK guys who bombed a Baptist church, which killed four little African-American girls.

— So, a Democrat.

— Bingo.

— No wonder he’s losing.

— Losing to a guy who got himself kicked off the Alabama Supreme Court twice. Twice.

— That’s not easy to do.

— It’s not easy to get kicked off once, let alone twice. I have to give your boy Roy credit for persistence. Too bad he’s persistently horrible.

— So what’ll happen if Moore actually gets elected?

— The Republicans will probably open an ethics investigation of Al Franken, then try to force him to resign.

— Too late. Al Franken resigned today.

— You’re joking.

— Nope.

— Fuck me with a chainsaw.

— Maybe something good will come of Franken’s resignation.

— You think?

— Maybe voters will see him resign and think ‘That’s how an ethical political party behaves.’ And then maybe they’ll do the right thing in the Alabama election next week.

— Maybe.

— You sound skeptical.

— Dude, c’mon. Alabama.

semi-loyal opposition

I’m seeing a LOT of folks heaping scorn and contempt on Senator Jeff Flake today (and, to a lesser extent, Sen. Bob Corker). As you almost certainly know, both of those traditional Republican conservatives made a show yesterday of publicly spanking Comrade Trump. The scorn hasn’t been for the spanking — most folks appreciated that. The scorn seems to be because Flake and Corker then voted to repeal a rule repealed a Consumer Financial Protection Bureau rule that made it easier for people to sue banks and credit card companies.

That, of course, is a despicable vote. But I don’t understand why anybody was surprised by their votes. Did people think that by condemning Trump, Flake and Corker would suddenly become progressive Democrats? Did they think Flake and Corker had some sort of ‘Come to Jeebus’ moment? That they would see the light and abandon all their previously held political positions?

Sen. Bob Corker

No, those guys are still the same conservative asshats they’ve always been. They both still support a LOT of what Trump supports. The only difference is…well, there are two differences. First, they realize that conservative Republicans are going the way of moderate Republicans. There is no longer a place left for principled conservatives in the GOP. There are only varied grades of extremists, identified by how much they love babby Jeebus or by how much they hate liberals. Oh, there’s still a place for traditional unprincipled conservatives; they can be measured by how much corporate dick they’re willing to suck.

Here’s the second difference. Principled conservative Republicans like Flake and Corker (and yes, I think they really are principled; their principles are radically different from mine — and I think their principles are wrongheaded — but they still have principles) can see that Trumpism is not only destroying their political party, but also a clear threat to what we laughably call representative democracy.

Sen. Jeff Flake

Trump, unlike every previous president, doesn’t seem to believe in the concept of a loyal opposition. He only believes there is loyalty and there is opposition — and even his notion of ‘loyalty’ is grounded in a businessman’s perspective, in which loyalty is only operative when it benefits him.

The fact that both Flake and Corker have announced they’re not running for re-election doesn’t make their comments about Comrade Trump any less legitimate. Waiting until you’re quitting to voice your objections to the president may be an act of political cowardice, but it’s also a clear demonstration of just how far into the much the entire GOP has fallen. These two guys lack the fortitude to stay in their party and fight for it, but they’re probably the bravest the modern Republican party has to offer today. That’s pretty fucking sad.


rain on your wedding day

Conservatives have killed irony. Killed it, hacked its body into dozens of pieces, and buried them in a shallow grave in the Meadowlands. Then they dug up the body parts and set fire to them. Then scattered the ashes. In a toxic waste disposal site. And covered them with salt. Non-iodized salt.

And that was before Senator John Thune (Republican from Whogivesafuck), the chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation decided it was critically important to find out if Facebook was being mean to conservatives. I swear I am not making this up.


On Monday, Gizmodo published an article indicating that Facebook “routinely suppressed news stories of interest to conservative readers from the social network’s influential ‘trending’ news section.” The source of that article, who is described as ‘politically conservative’, requested anonymity, “citing fear of retribution from the company.”  He told Gizmodo:

“I’d come on shift and I’d discover that CPAC or Mitt Romney or Glenn Beck or popular conservative topics wouldn’t be trending because either the curator didn’t recognize the news topic or it was like they had a bias against Ted Cruz.”

It was like they had a bias, you guys! Against Ted Cruz! C’est incroyable! And c’mon, everybody knows that Mitt Romney and Glenn Beck are super popular, and we all want to know what they have to say about…you know, stuff. But no, Facebook users were denied that information because Mark Zuckerberg hates Republicans.

Senator Thune was so outraged by this that he took time away from his busy schedule of not holding hearings on a Supreme Court nominee and not considering President Obama’s request for funding for research on that silly Zika virus to write a stern letter to Facebook. He demanded information on whether or not the Trending Topics news curators are “targeting news stories related to conservative views for exclusion.”

Thune also held a news conference, in which he stated:

“If there’s any level of subjectivity associated with it, or if, as reports have suggested that there might have been, an attempt to suppress conservative stories or keep them from trending and get other stories out there, I think it’s important for people to know that. That’s just a matter of transparency and honesty, and there shouldn’t be any attempt to mislead the American public.”

Transparency, you guys. And honesty. With these allegations in mind, I looked just now (seriously, just now, at 10:06 in the morning, local time) at Facebook’s Trending Topics.

Calvin Klein: Company’s Ad Featuring Upskirt Picture of Model Criticized.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Article on Actress’s Lifestye Website, Goop, Recommends $15,000 Sex Toy.

Hyperloop One: Company Successfully Tests Propulsion System in Nevada Desert.

Well. There you have it. No mention of any upskirt photos of Glenn Beck. Nothing at all about Mitt Romney’s sex toys. And as we all know, this hyperloop business is a liberal conspiracy against the petroleum industry. Or wait — maybe it’s a sex toy? Doesn’t matter, because It’s clearly biased, you guys!

Thune, who frequently appears on Fox News shows (which are totally fair and balanced, not to mention completely transparent and honest), also said this:

“Facebook must answer these serious allegations and hold those responsible to account if there has been political bias in the dissemination of trending news.”

L’ironie, elle est morte! Cue Alanis Morissette.

boots and a dead guy in vietnam

You guys, guess what! Senator Ted Cruz has thoughts about the Democrat’s debate, and he’d like to scare you with them share them with you! Ready for fun? Here we go!

“It was more socialism, more pacifism, more weakness and less Constitution. It was a recipe to destroy a country.”

More pacifism, you guys! Sure, there was that bit in the debate where sissy Jim Webb recalled how he killed the NVA soldier who’d wounded him with a grenade — but that’s pacifism compared to what Senator Ted would have done. If he’d served in Vietnam. Or even if he’d served in the military at all. Which, you know…he didn’t. On account of he had a career to think of after college.

Senator Ted is so upset, you guys.

Senator Ted is so upset, you guys.

But Senator Ted, he regrets he didn’t serve in the military and get the opportunity to kill enemies for Jeebus.

“I will say it’s something I’ve always regretted. I wish I had spent time in the service. It’s something I respect immensely.”

Immensely, you guys! Senator Ted totally respects military service — or at least the sort of military service he’d have served if, you know…he’d served in the military. Which he didn’t. But he knows why young men and women did join and serve in the U.S. military. And that reason absolutely is NOT to serve as Al Qaeda’s Air Force

“We should be focused on defending the United States of America. That’s why young men and women sign up to join the military, not to, as you know, serve as Al Qaeda’s air force.”

You guys, Al Qaeda can hire its own air force! There are lots of young men and women of Al Qanadian descent who need jobs and would be happy to serve their nation country city-state thingy. So those pacifist Democrats can just take their pacifism and go back where they came from. And have their next debate there. In Al Qaedastan.

“It was interesting for America to see each and every Democratic candidate explain how what we need is an even weaker America, how we should withdraw even more from America, avoid any conflict whatsoever with Iran, with Russia, with ISIS, with the lunatics who want to kill us.”

You guys, it was interesting to see how the Democrats want America to withdraw from America and…uh…what? Never mind. Never mind, on account of lunatics. Still, it was an interesting thing and it was in the debate and America saw it, you guys!

Well, some of America saw it. Senator Ted would have seen it, probably. If he hadn’t been campaigning at a Pizza Hut in Kalona, Iowa while the debate was on the television.  But even though he didn’t actually see it see it, Senator Ted saw it enough to be outraged by what he didn’t see. But he would have seen it if, you know…he’d actually seen it. Which he didn’t.

“We’re seeing our freedoms taken away every day and last night was an audition for who would wear the jackboot most vigorously. Last night was an audition for who would embrace government power, for who would strip your and my individual liberties.”

Freedoms! Taken away! Every day, you guys! And totally stripped! The Democrat’s debate was a jackboot audition to see who could wear it vigorously while embracing power and liberty-stripping. Whatever that means.

It's that one guy, and he's wearing jackboots, you guys.

It’s that one guy, and he’s wearing jackboots, you guys.

But liberties are being stripped. Stripped! And jackboots are involved! You know who wears jackboots? Hitler, you guys! Hitler wears jackboots. Or did. When he was alive. Which is isn’t now. Like that other guy who threw a grenade at Jim Webb. In Vietnam. Where Senator Ted would have served if he’d been old enough. Or if he’d served in the military at all. Which, you know…he didn’t.

But okay, sure, maybe Senator Ted didn’t actually serve in the U.S. military (hint: he didn’t), but he knows what it takes to be the Commander-in-Chief. He knows what’s needed. This is what we need, you guys:

“What we need is a commander-in-chief who makes clear if you join ISIS, if you wage jihad on America, then you are signing your death warrant.”

Death warrant, you guys! Signing it. Not one Democrat had the courage to even mention death warrants! No, all they talked about was Democratic pacifism and their recipes for destroying countries. When Senator Ted becomes President of These United States he’ll totally stop U.S. troops from serving in the air force of Al Qaeda AND he’ll make ISISists sign their own death warrants, probably. In blood.

Senator Ted has thoughts and...hey, what the fuck has he got on his feet?

Senator Ted has thoughts and…hey, what the fuck has he got on his feet?

That’s the sort of leadership you’ll get from President Ted. If he wins the presidential election. Which he won’t. You know, if he wins the Republican nomination. Which he also won’t.

But still, there’s a dead guy in Vietnam who’s looking over his shoulder, because Senator Ted has a death warrant for him to sign.


boom, and they’re gone

This fuckwit is campaigning to be the Republican nominee for President of These United States — and they’re taking him seriously. What’s wrong with these people?

“We have excellent military leaders. We need to employ their expertise because this is a war we are fighting. That’s the bottom line.”

That’s Dr. Ben Carson. And that war we’re fighting? He’s talking — and I swear I am NOT making this up — he’s talking about the border between These United States and Mexico. And he said that in response to a question about whether the US should consider drone strikes on American soil to secure the border.

Dr. Ben Carson doesn't really LOOK crazy, but apparently is.

Dr. Ben Carson doesn’t really LOOK crazy, but apparently is.

Drone strikes. Drone strikes. You know, like we’ve been doing in Yemen and Somalia and Pakistan. This fucking lunatic thinks drone strikes are worth considering to prevent folks from illegally crossing the border to pick the watermelons you’ll be eating at your next picnic. Oh, and did I mention that Carson, as I write this, is in second place among the candidates for the Republican nomination for president? He is. Second. And what makes this even crazier is he’s running second behind Donald Trump (whose border policy, I believe, is to build a giant Wall O’ Trump — it’ll be yoooge, classy — and he’ll hire frat boys to stand guard on top of it, and if they see a brown person approach from the South they’ll shit in their own hand and fling it at the poor bastard).

Drone strikes. You know, because this is a war we’re fighting. If we have to ram a missile up some brown person’s ass, well you can’t make an omelet and all that.

“You look at some of these caves and things out there, one drone strike, boom, and they’re gone.”

Boom! Just like in the Road Runner cartoons. Of course, it costs between US$2,500 and $3,500 per flight hour to run surveillance drones. You want a strike drone — one that can fire missiles; say a Predator or a Reaper — the costs go up dramatically. It takes a team of about 180 people to operate and maintain each of those sumbitches. Also? Each Hellfire missile costs around $60,000 — and you can only use them once, you know.

Watermelon terrorists, for the love of Jeebus, won't somebody DO something?

Watermelon terrorists, for the love of Jeebus, won’t somebody DO something?

It’ll add up pretty quick, drone strikes against illegal immigrants. But hey, war, right? If that’s what it takes, then that’s what it takes. If we can provide just one decent law-abiding American the opportunity to find a career in the lucrative field of watermelon harvesting, it’ll be worth it.

Second. He’s running second. To Trump. Just saying. It is to weep.

UPDATE: I was joking about the Wall O’ Trump — but this just in (and really, I swear I’m NOT making this up):

Trump waxed on almost poetically about the wall that could bear his name on the Southwest border. “I want it to be so beautiful because maybe someday they’re going to call it the Trump wall,” he said.