i know what you’re thinking

Posted on September 21, 2015 by greg

It’s Monday and I have work to do. A lot of work. SO much work. I do NOT have time to noodle around on Teh Intertubes, avoiding all the very important work that needs doing. Seriously, I have an excess of work to do. If work to do was testosterone, I’d be Chuck Norris. I have work to do like Trump has hair — it’s an imposing, structurally improbable amount of work. The amount of work I have to do would intimidate a border collie.

It’s a lot of work, is what I’m saying. And I’d actually be doing all that work (I’m confident about this) except I somehow found myself (and I suspect I have a good reason for doing this) scanning some conservative websites (probably I was doing research, I bet) and I discovered that a LOT of conservatives are terribly upset about gay Doritos.

Oh my sweet Jeebus on a waffle, gay Doritos, you guys! I had no idea gay Doritos even existed. I was gobsmacked. Who knew the constellation of snack foods extends to sexual preference? Gay Doritos! Okay, officially they’re called Rainbow Doritos, but c’mon people — ain’t nobody in Western society that thinks these chips are in any way representative of colorful meteorological phenomena. Nope, dude, these are most definitely gay Doritos. And like anything that could possibly be even remotely gay, conservatives have spent a LOT of time thinking about these chips.

The chips come in several colors. The green are homosexual, the pink are lesbian, and the purple ones are transgendered Doritos.

Trans chips, you guys! According to The American Thinker (and no, I’m not making that up; that’s an actual conservative site — though I think they they’re confused about the definition of ‘America’ and ‘thinking’), the purple chips only look purple but “actually feel yellow and demand the right to commingle in the snack bags that have only yellow ones.” In other words, the purple chips want to use the same bathrooms as yellow chips.

Conservatives are really pissed off about this, on account of Doritos are an important element of the nutritious American conservative sports-related diet. How is any decent, god-fearing American heterosexual man supposed to enjoy watching two teams of sweaty men dressed in tight, bun-hugging uniforms grapple with each other if gay sex is forced down their throats in the form of their favorite snack food?

Also, think of the children!

Doritos are a product marketed to children, so they make the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality.

Gay Doritos are a gateway snack, you guys! How could this happen in America? Blame noted Christian-hater and pervert-activist Dan Savage and his It Gets Better project. Real conservatives hate Savage, who has “called on Ben Carson and Mike Huckabee to do a certain love act on him” (okay, he said Carson and Huckabee should “suck my dick” but I’m not entirely convinced the invitation was sincere). Most of the world understands the It Gets Better project is attempting to prevent LGBT kids from killing themselves, but a lot of conservatives think the movement is probably secretly recruiting decent young hetero kids to get gay. Why else would they be flooding the snack food aisle of your local market with gay Doritos?

Well, okay, maybe they not actually flooding the snack food aisles. And okay, maybe gay Doritos aren’t even in your local market at all. And yeah, okay, maybe they’re not in any store. Okay, maybe the only way to buy gay Doritos is to deliberately point your browser to a specific website and order them. And okay, maybe you have to make a donation of at least US$10 in order to get them. But dammit, gay Doritos exist in the real world and conservatives intend to do something about it.

In fact, they intend to do two things about it. First, boycott!

“I think we need to boycott Pepsi and all related Frito-Lay products to deliver a message to Pepsi that if they are going to push gay propaganda on our kids, we are not going to give their products lip service any longer”

Lip service. I declare, sometimes I think these guys must be trolling us. They can’t be that fucking stupid — except, you know, they repeatedly demonstrate they’re that fucking stupid. The second thing they’re doing (and I swear, I am NOT making this up):

[W]e should push other companies to launch pro-heterosexual campaigns. Perhaps we could persuade a hot dog maker and a hot dog bun company to do a joint effort promoting man-woman relationships. Until we try sexualizing food like the left does, we’ll never know. And if we think like the left, we desperately need to find out.

That’s SO fucking stupid that I had to stop what I was doing and 1) bang my head against the desk and 2) check to make sure American Thinker is not a spoof site. You guys, it’s not a spoof site!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to give ten of my hard-earned dollars to It Gets Better and buy a bag of gay Doritos and have them delivered to Kim Davis at her office. You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that. It would be silly to send gay Doritos to:

Kim Davis
Clerk of Court
600 West Main Street Room 102
Morehead, KY 40351

louie gohmert — more testing is required

Posted on July 31, 2015 by greg

I sometimes forget about Louie Gohmert, the Republican Congressman from Ohmygodisthisguyfuckingstupid, Texas. At least I try to forget about him. I would sincerely like to forget about him. But then he opens his gob and makes word sounds that are so astonishingly stupid that it sucks intelligence right out of the air. As he begins to speak you can actually witness intelligence wither, turn crisp and dry, and crumble like charred bits of paper, to be blown away by the next passing breeze.

On this occasion, a few days ago, Gohmert was speaking at a forum of a college chapter of the Eagle Forum, a conservative ‘interest’ group formed by Phyllis Schlafly. Schlafly is Louie Gohmert’s intellectual equal. She has claimed sex education was like a Tupperware party for abortions. She once said sexual harassment wasn’t a problem for virtuous women. She’s mean-spirited, socially blind, vindictive, and petty. She could be Sarah Palin’s wicked godmother.

Phyllis Schlafly – won’t catch her whoring at a Tupperware party, no sir.

But back to Gohmert. His topic at this forum was the Supreme Court of These United States and their role in marriage. And yeah, you’d think it would be a short speech. Something like this:

But no, this is Louie Gohmert, whose approach to public speaking is to say something stupid, then support it by saying something stupider. He suggested Supreme Court Justices Elana Kagan and Ruth Ginsburg ought to be impeached for participating in the landmark same-sex marriage case.

“I think they ought to be impeached, I think ought to be removed, and until Congress shows that we do have some say in the Constitution over the courts the abuses are just going to get worse.”

The abuse he’s talking about? Both Kagan and Ginsburg attended or participated in unholy same-sex marriages before making their ruling, which Gohmert apparently believes is evidence (or actual proof) that they weren’t basing their decision on the merits of the law. Or something. Although he didn’t actually say this, I can only assume Gohmert believes it was perfectly okay for the other seven judges to have participated in holy opposite-sex marriages before making their ruling because they were Jeebus-sanctified.

Does this make sense? No. Did it please his audience? Absolutely. But Louie Gohmert wasn’t just there to make his audience happy; he was there to make a case — to provide evidence to support his certainty that marriage equality was unnatural.

Louie Gohmert –this guy is actually a member of Congress, seriously.

So Gohmert attempted science. He proposed an experiment. A thought experiment. I mean, Albert Einstein did thought experiments. He did them all the time, and he was just a Jew from Austria. Or Switzerland. Someplace foreign. So how hard could it be for a Republican from Texas?

“We could take four heterosexual couples, married, and put them on an island where they have everything they need to sustain life. Then take four all-male couples and put them on an island with all they need to sustain life, take four couples of women, married, and put them on an island, and let’s come back in 100 to 200 years and see which one nature says is the preferred marriage.”

There it is — the scientific method, filtered through the brain of Louie Gohmert. Apparently, by his reasoning, if we put four unmarried heterosexual couples on that island and came back after a couple hundred years, we’d find the skeletons of eight dead virgins.

The ancient Greeks used to believe the function of the brain was to cool the blood, and had nothing to do with the process of thinking. The scientific method strongly suggests they were wrong. Maybe more testing is required.

standing in the doorway to scientific progress

Posted on February 25, 2015 by greg

First Guy — So then, did you hear about this guy from Georgia?

Second Guy — Which guy from Georgia?

First Guy — Him, the guy that’s opposed to human-jellyfish hybrids.

Third Guy — The fuck?

First Guy — Kirby, that’s his name. Tom Kirby. He’s in the Georgia legislature, if you can believe it. Says the people of Georgia are opposed to the mixing of human embryos with jellyfish cells to create glow-in-the-dark humans.

Second Guy — He wouldn’t be a Republican, this Kirby fella, would he?

First Guy — He would.

Third Guy — Can they do that? Can they, the science johnnies? Jam some jellyfish muck into a human embryo and create a…

First Guy — Pffft, don’t be an idjit.

Second Guy — Would this be the same nitwit who wondered if a woman could swallow a wee camera and let doctors do a gynecological exam over them internets?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from Idaho. Also a Republican, though.

Third Guy — Be cool, though, wouldn’t it, if they could. Totally cool. Except for the poor bastard who was out there glowin’ in the dark like some fuckin’ human exit sign.

Second Guy — This wouldn’t be the same nitwit who said parents with sick children shouldn’t be forced to get them medical treatment, would it? The one who said if the children die they’d be with god and all his bright angels?

First Guy — No, that’s an entirely different nitwit. Also from Idaho, though. And yeah, a Republican.

Third Guy — His electricity bills would go down, though, wouldn’t they. The human jellyfish, I mean. Wouldn’t need a readin’ lamp, would he. Be handy for him, though, if he was one of them guys, the ones who explore caves and all? Them plunkers or whatever? Handy for that, glowin’ in the dark.

Second Guy — Would it be the same nitwit who thinks cancer is some class of fungus, then?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from Nevada. Also a Republican, though.

Third Guy — He’d be rubbish as a ninja, though, wouldn’t he.

Second Guy — Would it be the same nitwit, then, the one who thought food workers shouldn’t be forced to wash their hands after using the toilet?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from North Carolina. And yeah, before you ask, also a Republican.

Third Guy — D’ya reckon he’d be able to sting folks too, this guy, the human jellyfish? Tentacle-thingies at the ends of his fingers. Make it hard to be wearin’ gloves. And countin’ out change? Or playin’ at cards? Screw everything up, that would.

First Guy — Will you shut the fuck up? There isn’t any human jellyfish. There aren’t any glow-in-the-dark humans.

Third Guy — No, and there won’t be so long as your man in Georgia keeps standin’ in the doorway of scientific fuckin’ progress.

Editorial note: The aforementioned nitwits, in order, are Tom Kirby of Georgia, Vito Barbieri of Idaho, Christie Perry of Idaho, and Thom Tillis of North Carolina.

okay, yeah, that’s pretty weird

Posted on December 9, 2014 by greg

Let’s just acknowledge that everybody’s life is weird. They’re all weird in different ways, sure — but the weirdness is there. It’s built into the system; you can’t get around it. Most of the time we don’t even notice the weirdness of our own lives. It’s so much easier to see the weirdness of other folks.

Today, though, some of the weirdness of my life bled through. First off, it’s my birthday. That’s not a big deal and there’s nothing weird about it. Everybody has a birthday. The only thing weird about mine is that I happen to be house-sitting for my brother (who is larking about on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta), so I’m sitting here alone in a strange house that’s decorated with about a thousand snowmen. Not actual snowmen (nor those creepy-cool snowmen from Doctor Who), just holiday decoration snowmen.

It’s also a little weird to get a lot of birthday greetings. The greetings themselves aren’t particularly weird (well, some of them are a tad weird), but as I read through them all I’m reminded that I have a pretty odd range of friends and acquaintances. Lots of writers, lots of artists, lots of librarians, some lawyers, some regular working folks, a few gun nuts, a few scientists and mathematicians, a former nun, lots of tech-related people, some folks who work as advocates for mostly lefty causes. There are more women than men, more liberals than conservatives, more straight folks than gay, more folks from the US than any other place, but all in all it’s a pretty eclectic group.

Most folks just say ‘Happy birthday’ and leave it at that, which is nice and simple and direct. I’m a big fan of simple. One person wants me to use the occasion of my birthday to ‘reflect on your life and this past year, and consider what it’s all meant.’ This person hopes I ‘gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be you’ and wants me to ‘examine what you’re feeling today and why you’re feeling it’. It’s very sincere and earnest and I appreciate this person’s concern — but at the same time I’m thinking ‘Don’t you fucking know me at all?’

Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I felt the need to try to understand what I’m feeling. I figure if I’m feeling it, that’s good enough. And a deeper understanding of what it means to be me? I don’t even know what that means. Don’t get me wrong; it’s sweet that somebody is concerned about my spiritual growth. If that’s what the concern is. But lawdy, I’ve been me my entire life — there’s not much new to learn, and frankly that makes thinking about myself as a person pretty dull. It’s more fun to think about other folks. I’m used to my own patch of weird; I’m a lot more interested in the weirdness of others.

That said, my patch of weird expanded a little today. I discovered that a few days ago I was featured on a website called Nail Art Design. I swear, I am NOT making this up. There’s actually a website about nail art, and there’s actually a photo of me wearing red nail polish and holding a snow shovel.

Let me just repeat that. There’s a photograph of me wearing red nail polish and holding a snow shovel on Nail Art Design.

Even I have to admit that’s a little weird.

a deep, fetid reservoir of stupid

Posted on October 20, 2014 by greg

Can somebody in Texas or Washington, DC find Congressman Blake Farenthold and attempt to explain to him the difference between real life and fiction? Because, seriously, there is just no goddamned fucking way this maroon should be sitting on Congressional hearings.

Let me just repeat the key sentence in that short video:

“Every outbreak novel or zombie movie you see starts with somebody from the government sitting in front of a panel like this saying there’s nothing to worry about.”

I am totally gobsmacked. Not by Farenthold’s total ignorance of Ebola and its transmission vectors — I mean, the guy is a dolt, so I don’t expect him to understand how the Ebola virus actually works. I’m gobsmacked by the fact that he actually really no-shit truly spoke from the bench in a Congressional hearing and without embarrassment or any sense of irony referenced zombie movies in a discussion on health policy oh Jeebus I still can NOT completely believe this.

I’ve written about Farenthold before. I predicted that “he has the potential to some day be known as the Louie Gohmert of South Texas.” But I had no notion his fetid reservoir of stupid ran so deep.

ebolapalooza

Posted on October 19, 2014 by greg

Are you ready for this? An elementary school teacher in the small town of Strong, Maine attended the Smarter Balanced Assessment Consortium — an educational conference held at the Hilton Anatole hotel in Dallas, Texas. Dallas is the city in which Texas Health Presbyterian is located. Texas Health Presbyterian is the hospital in which Thomas Eric Duncan was treated for (and died from) the Ebola virus. The Hilton Anatole hotel is almost ten miles from Texas Health Presbyterian hospital.

On her return to Maine, the teacher was placed on a 21-day leave of absence. It takes between two and twenty-one days for a person infected with Ebola to exhibit symptoms.

Strong Elementary School — Strong, ME.

That’s right. The administrators of Maine School Administrative District 58 have placed a teacher on paid leave for being in the same city as an Ebola patient. Why? Because a local parent, Matt Dexter, has a child who is in that teacher’s class. I don’t want to say that Matt Dexter is a complete fucking idjit.

But he is. He complained to the school board:

“[Y]ou sent (this teacher) to a potentially harmful area for exposure, and then to come back and jump into the classroom on Monday seemed a little bit reckless.”

Matt Dexter apparently believes the Ebola virus is very clever — the McGyver of viruses. He seems to think if a patient in an isolation unit coughs or sneezes, those wily Ebola viruses will find a way to escape isolation, sneak out of the hospital, travel ten miles to a nice hotel, infiltrate the hotel’s HVAC ducts, find its way to the room of a visiting teacher from Maine, infect her, then bide its time until she returns to her classroom in Maine, at which point it will leap out and assault his child. Did I mention Matt Dexter is a complete fucking idjit?

“I’m really tired of people telling everyone, on the news, starting at the national level, ‘zero risk, low risk.’ The bottom line is that there is risk. Are we more capable of handling this than Africa? Sure, but why walk around blind and jam people into hot spots we can’t control? It all comes down to personal responsibility.”

You know, maybe the reason everyone is saying there’s a low risk is because there actually is a low risk. And c’mon, ‘low risk’ is an exaggeration. The risk is infinitesimal. Consider this: we had a guy with active Ebola symptoms at large in Dallas for two days, then hospitalized in a facility completely unprepared to treat Ebola — and yet only two other people have tested positive for the virus. The four people who actually shared living quarters with Thomas Eric Duncan while he was symptomatic — the period when he was most contagious — are about to be released from quarantine; they’ve shown no sign of being infected. Why? Because Ebola, despite being incredibly infectious, just isn’t very transmissible.

Possible route taken by wily Ebola virus intent on infecting teachers from Maine

And yet Matt Dexter, of Strong, Maine, is about to piss his pants in panic because his child’s teacher happened to spend a few days in the same city as an Ebola patient. But hey, he’s right — it DOES all come down to personal responsibility. Matt Dexter is personally responsible for educating himself before panicking — and he failed in that responsibility. He’s personally responsible for teaching his child the difference between rational fears and irrational fears — and he failed in that. He’s personally responsible for being a role model for his child — and guess what, he failed at that too. Matt Dexter has a personal responsibility NOT to be a complete fucking idjit. Failed.

I feel sorry for the teacher. But even more, I feel sorry for Matt Dexter’s child. All children are, at some point, embarrassed by their parents. But few children have such a legitimate reason to be embarrassed.

what i learned

Posted on September 6, 2014 by greg

This morning I waded into the waist-deep pool of bile that is FreeRepublic.com. I do this on a moderately regular basis; it’s like injecting myself with small doses of snake venom in order to develop a resistance to being poisoned. This is what I learned today:

I learned conservatives are furious that President Obama visited Stonehenge following the recent NATO summit. Doubly furious that he wasn’t paying for the entire trip out of his own pocket, and trebly furious that he was allowed inside the ropes. Knowing Obama visited Stonehenge has completely ruined every previous visit to the site.

— Why not? Not his dime and not like anything is going on.

— He wanted the taxpayer to foot the bill. What a narcissist.

— I was there. Now when I look at my photos, I may have the misfortune of thinking of him. (vomit).

— Pagan ritual site, possible human sacrifices … right up his satanic alley.

Apparently pondering a human sacrifice

I learned conservatives still love Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson, the oldest bearded guy from Duck Dynasty (who said Palin ought to be in the White House, though he didn’t say what he thought she should be doing there). Also, I learned it would be cool to kill a lot of ducks at an inauguration. Also too, it’s fun to piss off liberals.

— Phil Robertson endorsement is as good as it gets. Besides, Sarah IS the best person for the job.

— HeHe! I just invisioned at the Inauguration ending with a “Release of the Ducks” and Sarah & Phil whip out shotguns and blast lunch out of the sky.

— Not only would she be a fantastic President, but best of all she drives liberals into seizures. Oh man, to see that everyday, see them walking around red-faced with steam coming out there ears? Like winning the lottery! And any and all criticism of her we can say it again: You libs are sexist!

Apparently like winning the lottery

I learned many conservatives see Scotland’s independence movement as a model for Texas independence. Also, Scots hate Islam more than the British do. Also too, there is something ‘different’ about Texas. Also too plus, people who live in cities suck.

— Get-R-Done Scotsman. May be awhile, but Texas may be heading down this path as well.

— Why are they going for independence? Because they are fed up with England allowing radical Islam to take root? Good enough reason for me.

— We were a country before we made the decision to become part of the union. It was mexican citizens that kicked that punk Santa Anna out in the first place. There is something different about Texas. We don’t seem to be as eat up with ignorant liberalism as the west coast and the north east. We have a couple of blue spots here and there, but nothing that can’t be taken care of over night if need be.

— It is when you get out in the country you meet the die hard native Texan. Only paralleled by Native Tennesseans, Native Scotsman. These are the folks with honor, vision, heart and determination. I’ve been to Scotland many times. I have good friends residing there. Scrapers.

Apparently Scots are almost as good as Texans

I learned conservatives are opposed to gay folks marching in the New York St. Patrick’s Day parade. Also, parades are the work of Satan. Also too, they’re boring. Unless they’re for Alvin York or Charles Lindbergh (which is rather peculiar, considering York was a life-long Democrat who supported government assistance for poor folks, and believed Lindbergh should have been arrested for being a Nazi sympathizer). Also too plus, Democrats like parades. So do tarty celebrities.

— St Patrick deserves more respect than this. It’s a shame that this Godly man’s memory is associated with what he and his God knew to be sin…behavior that brings personal, social, and spiritual death.

— St. Patrick’s Day parades in general have become more about getting plastered and less about celebrating the good works of the saint. By adding the LGBT crowd, the parade in New York is now completely a work of Satan.

— I never liked parades, even as a child. Always thought they were boring. These days parades are all about politics and unions. Democrats love parades. Sort of like the “circuses” in “bread and circuses.” A distraction for the masses from life’s miseries actually created by the Democrats.

— The parades of the Twenties, say the ones for Lindbergh or Sergeant York, would probably have been more exciting. They were actually celebrations of real spontaneous human achievement, people were truly thrilled.

— The older parades likely had more interesting people in the parades as well instead of tarty celebrities and asinine beauty queens.

Apparently parades are boring and Satanic and full of tarty celebrities

I learned that Barack Obama has declared himself King of America, first by using his authority as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces to attack ISIS and then by considering what he might do about immigration.

— At the very same press conference where he promised to destroy the Islamic State, Obama again promised to act unilaterally on immigration. “My expectation is that fairly soon, I’ll be considering what the next steps are,” Obama said in response to a question about when he will act on the issue.

— He’s barely qualified to be President of an 8th grade class.

— Will he wear Purple Robes or Leopard Skins ?

— The purple robe would match his purple lips, wouldn’t it?

— Obama is untouchable. He has made the Legislative branch of our government irrelevant. Not one person in Congress will lift a finger to stop him. The news media will not call him out and report the truth. His useless wife has declared herself queen. America now has their own despots like a third world country. I think it is a 50-50 chance these despicable people will ever leave office.

Apparently the president likes knee-high boots

I learned that it’s imperative that all Americans need to be armed all the time. You know, in case ISIS attacks a local shopping mall.

— ISIS could launch selective sudden violent catastrophic attacks and then withdraw before most of them could be caught due to the massive confusion and chaos. [A]rmed citizens CAN BE EVERYWHERE! What is lacking are policies to integrate the capabilities and willingness of armed citizens to react quickly to support or augment the police or the military in the event of terrorist attacks. And that MUST be a serious consideration going forward!

— When the crap hits the fan and these terrorist animals decide to attack a soft target,Shopping mall,School,Hospital.The Police will not be there to protect the Public.

— The thought that an attack could come at virtually any time and any place is enough for me. Efforts to disarm citizens while downplaying the risks is nothing short of sinister in my mind. Add the “open borders” policy and it actually looks like this administration is not only inviting terrorists, but is hoping they attack.

— Imagine the guilt you would feel if you came upon a terrorist act about to begin and you didn’t carry that day.

Apparently ISIS has plans to assault the shampoo aisle

Apparently ISIS has plans to assault the housecleaning aisle

I learned that the risk of ISIS attacking a major shopping mall in the United States can be thwarted by ordinary folks toting firearms and by refusing them parking spaces.

Apparently terrorists prefer free parking

Basically, I learned that an awful lot of conservatives are pretty much scared of everything. Except guns. And white folks with guns. And Scotland. They like Scotland. There are a lot of white folks in Scotland. Not many guns, though. So there’s room for improvement, I guess.

But let me also say this. Mixed in with all the Second Amendment Nutjobs and the Racists and the Anti-Feminist Women Haters and the Conspiracy Theorists and the Virulent Homophobes and the Climate Change Deniers, there are a few intelligent, principled conservatives. There are people who accept evolution as a fact, people who see no reason why gay folks shouldn’t get married, who acknowledge that human activity really does influence the environment, that Muslims have rights, that working class women ought to get paid as much as men, and that Barack Obama is a U.S. citizen.

Of course, they still hate Obama with a white-hot fury. But hey, it’s a start.

war on white folks

Posted on August 6, 2014 by greg

I have to say, I’m a little irritated about this. There’s a war on white folks taking place, and nobody even bothered to tell me about it. Nobody. As a white folk myself (I have photographs to prove it), this is pretty discouraging. I mean, c’mon…I’m white, for Pete’s sake. People are supposed to tell me these things.

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Alabama) being all thoughtful about issues of race and stuff.

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the courage of whistleblower Congressman Mo Brooks, I’d have gone about my daily white activities (getting my shoes polished, buying various foodstuffs I can eat with mayonnaise, lobbying Congress, etc.) totally unaware that Democrats were waging war against me (and other white folks too). Brooks (who, coincidentally, is white) revealed this information in an interview with white radio host Laura Ingraham:

“[T]he war on whites that’s being launched by the Democratic Party. And the way in which they’re launching this war is by claiming that whites hate everybody else. It’s part of the strategy that Barack Obama implemented in 2008, continued in 2012, where he divides us all on race, on sex, greed, envy, class warfare, all those kinds of things.”

Oh man, that Obama. I should’ve known it was his fault. He’s not a white folk, by the way, even though he’s the president (how did that happen, anyway; seems pretty suspicious to me). But it’s pretty clear (to white folks at least) Obama couldn’t possibly understand the plight of white folks in America. He can’t understand the pressure we’re under, trying to maintain some reasonable (and by ‘reasonable’ I mean ‘white’) standards of decency. I mean, sure, Obama plays at golf…but does anybody check his scorecard when he’s finished?

President Barack Obama (I think…maybe…close enough).

Congressman Brooks, he understands us. Us being the white folks the Democrats are making war against. Brooks isn’t just white, he’s also a lifelong Republican. And he’s from Alabama. You can’t get much whiter than that. Unless you’re from Idaho. Or maybe Alaska. Those places are pretty white, so like Brooks says, they don’t have any problems with race. Or sex, or greed, or envy. Or class either. None of those things that Obama is using to divide America. Also, Nebraska. And Kansas, I guess. They seem pretty normal too. And by ‘normal’ I mean…well, you know.

Anyway, white Congressman Brooks went on to say this:

“Democrats, they have to demagogue on this and try and turn it into a racial issue, which is an emotional issue, rather than a thoughtful issue. If it becomes a thoughtful issue, then we win and we win big. And they lose and they lose big.”

I’m not really sure what demagogue means, but it’s not English so I suspect it’s something perverse. The point being that those pesky Democrats ruin everything. Because they’re emotional and not thoughtful (even though many of them are white). If people would just be more thoughtful about race and less emotional about it, Republicans would win! In other words, if people (and by ‘people’ you know who I mean, right?) would just learn to be as thoughtful as white folks, then everything would be okay. You know, for white folks. Like it’s supposed to be. You know…before the war. Which Republicans didn’t start. Because they’re white.

Congressman Mo Brooks (left) watches a negro.

But now there’s a war. So I guess I should get me a gun. Just in case an emotional Democrat tries to make me approve of gay people having buttsex in church. A church where they perform abortions.

gregfallis.com

it's this or get a real job

Category Archives: shit you can’t make up