if you don’t vote, you suck

Posted on October 30, 2014 by greg

I really enjoy voting. I enjoy the process — going to my local polling place on election day, standing in line with other voters, seeing the volunteers, buying a treat from whatever local school or church or charity group has set up a table outside the polling place. It makes me feel connected to the community. It makes me feel all citizeny. It makes me feel patriotic.

But this year I’m not doing it. Oh, I’m voting. In fact, I’ve already voted. I voted a couple of weeks ago. This year I voted by absentee ballot. Why the change? Curiosity. I wanted to see what it was like. I’ve never voted with an absentee ballot before.

Here are some of the things I discovered about voting absentee. First, it’s dead easy. The ballot comes right to your door, you open it, fill it out, follow the instructions, send it back in. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. You can do it while drinking your morning coffee. You can do it in your pajamas. Of course, you can go to your local polling place in your pajamas too, if you want — it’s a free country.

Second, I feel like I did a better job of voting. When I vote in person there are usually some candidates for local office that are complete cyphers to me. I’ve no idea who they are or what they stand for. Offices like the Public Hospital Board or the Soil and Agriculture Commission. I didn’t even know there was a Soil and Agriculture Commission. But with a ballot in front of me and a computer at hand, I was able to make a more informed vote for the Soil and Agriculture Commission (I voted for the former nun — you can never go very wrong voting for a former nun; they have a moral center that informs their decisions, but they also have whatever doubts that sparked them to jack the wimple).

Third, I learned the Secretary of State is pretty damned anal compulsive when it comes to filling out the ballot. You have to use a black ink pen. No blue ink, no green ink, and sure as hell no red ink (what, are you some sort of commie?). Also, you have to fill in the oval completely. No check marks, no Xs, no smiley faces (this ain’t high school). You fail to follow the instructions, your vote gets scrapped.

Finally, I learned that vote security is fairly tight. After you fill out the ballot, you put it in an envelope labeled Secrecy Envelope, and seal the envelope. The Secrecy Envelope is then placed in an Affidavit Envelope, which you have to sign and date and seal that as well. The Affidavit Envelope is then placed in the Return Envelope, which also has to be sealed. All of these envelopes are the old-fashioned lick-and-seal type, not the fancy new remove-a-strip-and-press type. If you want to vote Absentee, you have to be willing to sacrifice a lot of saliva.

Drop the envelope in the mail, and you’ve done your civic duty. It’s not as viscerally fulfilling as going to your polling place and doing it (and by ‘it’ I mean voting) in the privacy of the voting booth, but it’s really that easy. So why do so few people do it?

In Iowa, during presidential election years, about 74% of registered voters actually vote. That’s not great, but it’s almost 15% higher than the national average. Voter participation drops rather dramatically in midterm elections. Only about 54% of registered Iowans vote, which is still better than the national average of around 38%. Only a third to a half of all registered voters cast a ballot in the midterm elections. That’s pretty damned pathetic.

Sure, election campaigns are frustrating and annoying. I totally get that. Sure, attack advertising turns off voters. And sure, we’ll all be glad when we don’t have to see another campaign advert on television. And sure, we’ll all be glad when the election is over. But will we be glad about the result?

Here’s the thing: if you don’t vote, you suck. I don’t care how discouraged you are — if you don’t vote, you suck. I don’t care what your reasons are for not voting — if you don’t vote, you suck. You suck as a citizen. If you don’t vote, you don’t get to call yourself a patriot. If you don’t vote, you deserve whatever shitty government you get. If you don’t vote, then fuck you in the neck.

It’s SO easy to vote. So easy, and so important. And if you can’t be bothered to vote, then you suck. It’s that simple. Don’t suck. Go vote.

priorities and choices

Posted on October 27, 2014 by greg

This guy. Seriously, this guy. His name is Jason Chaffetz. He’s a Republican from Utah. It’s because of this guy — and others like him — that the United States sometimes behaves like a drunk with Alzheimer’s.

Jason Chaffetz (Republican, Utah)

At the end of last week Chaffetz appeared on a FOXNews show, where he complained about the Obama administration’s response to the non-existent Ebola crisis in the U.S. He was, of course, outraged — which is the default for Republican members of Congress.

“Why not have the Surgeon General head this up? I think that’s a very legitimate question. At least you have somebody who has a medical background who’s been confirmed by the United States Senate.”

The answer, of course, is because we don’t have a Surgeon General. So a better (or at least a more intelligent) question would be Why don’t we have a Surgeon General? The answer to that is because Republicans in the Senate have blocked President Obama’s nominee, Dr. Vivek Murthy. Why have they blocked his nomination? Because Dr. Murthy has stated publicly that he believes easy access to firearms in the United States poses a threat to the nation’s public health. (Speaking of firearms as a threat to public health, we just had the 87th school shooting since the massacre of innocents at Newtown almost two years ago — three dead, at last count, including the shooter.)

Not a public health issue

It’s bad enough that Chaffetz wasn’t aware that we haven’t had a Surgeon General since July of last year. What’s worse is that we have a political party that believes one Ebola death in the U.S. constitutes a public health crisis, but more than 30,000 firearm-related deaths every year doesn’t. Ladies and germs, that’s your modern Republican party.

So who is this Chaffetz, anyway? He got his start as a spokesman for Nu Skin Enterprises. Nu Skin describes itself as a ‘multilevel marketing company’ which produces and sells ‘personal care products’ and ‘dietary supplements.’ According to the Attorneys General of Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Florida, Illinois, Ohio, and Michigan, as well as the U.S. Federal Trade Commission (and, most recently, the government of China), Nu Skin is probably a pyramid scheme that scams people into selling its products, which don’t do what Nu Skin claims they do.

Chaffetz apparently decided to get into politics after meeting former President Ronald Reagan, who was visiting Nu Skin as a ‘motivational speaker.’ As a Congressman, he’s best known for two things. First, opposing the right of employees of the Transportation Security Agency to engage in collective bargaining (and subsequently accusing the TSA screeners at the Salt Lake City airport of requiring him to submit to a full body scan because of his opposition). Second, accusing the Obama administration of deliberately failing to protect American personnel in Benghazi while acknowledging he’d voted to cut the funding for embassy security (“Look, we have to make priorities and choices in this country”). Again, this is your modern Republican party.

“We have to make priorities and choices.” — Jason Chaffetz

So, just to be clear, we have a Congressman who began his career defending a pyramid scheme, who claims to have been singled out for retaliation by TSA employees because he tried to prevent them from joining a union, who blames the current administration for not providing enough embassy security in a volatile region after he’d voted to reduce funding for embassy security, and who faults the administration for failing to put a Surgeon General who doesn’t exist in charge of dealing with an imaginary public health crisis, while ignoring a very real public health crisis that kills more than thirty thousand citizens every year.

It’s all about priorities and choices. By the way, Congressman Chaffetz has a line of skin care products he’s sure you’d be interested in.

i’ll tell you

Posted on September 19, 2014 by greg

You guys! You know who’s a fuckwit? I’ll tell you. Speaker of the House John Boehner, that’s who’s a fuckwit. How big a fuckwit is he? I’ll tell you. He’s a colossal fuckwit. A fuckwit of immense proportion. Do you know what this colossal fuckwit said yesterday? I’ll tell you. He said this:

“This idea that has been born, maybe out of the economy over the last couple years, that you know, ‘I really don’t have to work. I don’t really want to do this. I think I’d rather just sit around.’ This is a very sick idea for our country.”

And do you know what colossal fuckwit John Boehner did then? I’ll tell you. He ended the Fall session of Congress. Seriously, the Fall session. I know! It’s still officially summer. How big a fuckwit do you have to be to end the Fall session before Fall even begins? I’ll tell you. Colossal. That is fuckwittedness of herculean magnitude. And when will Congress return and get back to work? I’ll tell you. Sometime after the elections in November. November, you guys!

Colossal Fuckwit John Boehner

And do you know what’s even more fuckwitted than that? I’ll tell you. Congress just returned from its Summer vacation on September 9th. How many days has Congress been session since their holiday? I’ll tell you. Ten. Ten days. How many bills did Congress manage to pass in those ten days? I’ll tell you. One.

One bill. What was that bill about? I’ll tell you. It was to approve funding that will allow the U.S. to give money and training to Syrian rebels so they can fight ISIS. Or ISIL. Or Da’esh. Or Tanzim Qaidat al-Jihad fi Bilad al-Rafidayn. Or whatever the fuck they’re calling themselves today.

One bill. Then they took off. Do you know how many days Congress has been in session this year? I’ll tell you. Fewer than a hundred. Ninety-seven, to be exact.

I really don’t have to work. I don’t really want to do this. I think I’d rather just sit around.

Jeebus. Jeebus on a fucking pretzel. You know what would have been nice? I’ll tell you. It would have been nice if they’d stayed away those last ten days and kept us out of another war in the Middle East. That would have been nice. I’d have liked that.

it could be all three

Posted on September 10, 2014 by greg

There’s really no polite way to put this. Texas Senator Ted Cruz is either 1) totally lying, or 2) completely delusional, or 3) a fucking idiot.

Allow me to ‘splain. Back in 2010 the U.S. Supreme Court issued a ruling in the case of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission. In 5-4 decision, the court stated that corporations (and labor unions and other ‘associations’) have certain free speech rights. Since the court had ruled earlier that financial contributions to political candidates or parties are a form of speech, the ruling made it legal for corporations to spend as much as they want to convince people to vote for or against a candidate.

Totally lying, completely delusional, or just a fucking idiot?

This is not a good thing. It is, in fact, a very bad thing. In response, Democrats in the Senate have proposed a Constitutional amendment that would allow Congress to regulate the raising and spending of money. Seems pretty reasonable. But then… Enter Ted Cruz.

“I grew up watching Saturday Night Live, I love Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live over the years, has had some of the most tremendous political satire. Who can forget in 2008, Saturday Night Live’s wickedly funny characterization of the Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin? It was wickedly funny and also [had] a profoundly powerful effect on people’s assessment of Gov. Palin, who’s a friend of mine. Congress would have the power to make it a criminal offense, Lorne Michaels could be put in jail under this amendment for making fun of any politician. That is extraordinary. It is breathtaking and it is dangerous.”

What’s extraordinary and breathtaking is Cruz actually said that. Out loud. He’s really and truly arguing that because NBC is a corporation, the proposed amendment would prohibit Saturday Night Live from engaging in political satire. And that, of course, is utter bullshit. (What kind of bullshit is it? Utter.)

Now. Back to the beginning. Ted Cruz is either lying, delusional, or a fucking idiot. If he actually knows the amendment doesn’t prohibit political satire, but he’s claiming it does anyway–he’s lying. On the other hand, if he truly believes the amendment would outlaw political satire on television, despite the reality of the amendment–he’s delusional. And on the third hand, if he simply doesn’t understand what the proposed amendment would do–he’s a fucking idiot.

It has to be one of those three, that’s all there is to it. It’s pretty simple. I’m just not sure which of those three applies. He might be lying. He might be delusional. Or he might be a fucking idiot. Or, of course, he might be a delusional fucking idiot who is lying.

It’s Ted Cruz. He’s a Republican from Texas. It’s possible he’s won the Trifecta.

a complicated densely-packed clusterfuck

Posted on August 15, 2014 by greg

A friend asked me why I hadn’t written anything about the clusterfuck taking place in Ferguson, Missouri. I’m a criminologist, after all — or used to be. I’ve taught undergrad courses in policing, in deviance, in criminological theory, and all that other criminal justice and sociological stuff. Surely, my friend said, I had to have thoughts and opinions about what’s going on in Ferguson.

And he’s right, I do have opinions and thoughts. But here’s the reason I haven’t written about them: it’s complicated. I don’t mean the reason is complicated; I mean the clusterfuck itself is complicated. In fact, it’s not one clusterfuck. It’s an entire cascade of clusterfucks, each of which is also complicated. Not complex, complicated.

Complexity is intrinsic; a system is complex if it involves a lot of moving parts, even at its most basic level. There’s nothing wrong with complexity. Complication, though, is extrinsic; a system is made complicated by external factors, by stuff that’s non-essential to the system. Complication is always fucked up. And what we have in Ferguson is a collision of several different complicated social systems.

If you want to understand what’s happened in Ferguson — and I mean actually understand it, not just be outraged by it — then there’s a whole buttload of other related stuff you need to understand first. You need to understand police culture, and the notion of the operative assumption of guilt (which isn’t, in itself, a bad thing). You need to understand how three or four hundred years of legitimized violence by white folks against black folks has shaped the perspectives of both groups. You need to understand how gender shapes the police response to confrontation. You need to understand how four decades of federal grants to local law enforcement agencies militarized policing — accidentally at first, and then more deliberately. You need to understand how ‘fair housing’ laws essentially forced black families into working class ghetto neighborhoods, then routinely undermined actual attempts at home ownership — which perpetuated a semi-rootless culture more attached to a community than to home and family. You need to understand how television helped turn policing from an occupation grounded in community service and job security into one grounded in car chases and kicking ass. And you need to understand the terrible pleasure that comes from releasing fear through an act of violence.

And after you begin to understand all that, you need to understand that each of these issues is related to all the other issues. All of them. This is a densely-packed clusterfuck. We’d like to believe it can be fixed. It can’t.

It can’t be fixed because it’s not a problem that’s reducible to its component parts. You can’t ‘fix’ any of these issues without fixing them all. It’s not a problem that can be solved; it can only be unraveled.

We may have seen the beginning of that unraveling last night. Missouri State Police took control of security in Ferguson. They got rid of the riot gear, got rid of the gas masks, got rid of the helmets, got rid of the fucking military vehicles. They wore their regular uniforms, they met the angry but peaceful demonstrators in the streets, and they stepped aside.

Will it last? Maybe. In Ferguson, probably. For a while. For a while. But don’t expect much. Because it’s complicated. It’s complicated and, obviously, not localized. The conditions that created the densely-packed clusterfuck of Ferguson exist all over this nation. It’s complicated. Complicated and self-perpetuating.

2+2 = trout

Posted on August 1, 2014 by greg

Here they are. Steve King, Michele Bachmann, and Louis Gohmert. Dumb and Dumber and Oh my god so fucking dumb you wouldn’t believe.

Their names and addresses are stitched into their collars.

These are seriously ignorant people. Putting these three members of Congress together in one room creates an intelligence vacuum powerful enough to put others at risk of second hand stupidity. The collective ignorance of these three would displace more water than a Nimitz class aircraft carrier. They are so dense their brains are impervious to neutrinos.

And yeah, they have ‘opinions’ about the border crisis in Texas. You know…the border crisis? The one in which nearly sixty thousand children unaccompanied by adults have arrived at the border of Mexico and the United States–not to sneak into the U.S., but to turn themselves in to border agents in the hope of asylum? That border crisis. The kids are mostly from El Salvador, Guatemala, and Honduras. Until recently, they were mostly boys around 15 years old. Now they’re mostly girls, many of them as young as 13 years old.

Why are these kids (and let me just say that again, kids) coming to the United States? To escape the poverty and violence of their native lands.

Rep. Steve King (Iowa), unable to operate garden tools.

Rep. Steve King (R–Iowa), unable to operate garden tools.

Steve King, Republican from I’m-so-ashamed Iowa, who is so stupid he has trouble with a four piece jigsaw puzzle, recently said this about those kids at the border:

This is a man-caused disaster, and the man that caused it is Barack Obama with his DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) policy, with his Morton Memos and the advertisement that has been such a huge magnet that have caused these families to give their daughters birth control pills and send them down a rape path all the way through Mexico, and it’s a death path on the death train.

A death path on the death train. What the fuck does that even mean? A death path on a dea…Jeebus, it hurts even to write it, it’s that fucking stupid. And parents giving their daughters birth control pills and sending them down a rape path? King is apparently unable to conceive of how terribly desperate these parents must be to send their kids north, or how hopeless the kids must be to willingly undertake that sort of trek.

But hey, it must be President Obama’s fault. Obviously these kids and their parents are familiar with Obama’s DOCA policy (which, tell the truth now, you probably haven’t even heard about). So what does this good Jeebus-loving Congressman want to do with those kids? Send them back, of course. To those same parents who gave them birth control pills and put them on that death train path thing.

Stupid stupid stupid. Speaking of which….

Representative Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, Incredibly Stupid

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R–Texas), has his shoes labeled Right and Left, and his boots labeled Boots.

Louis Gohmert, Republican from Texas. The guy who thinks shoelaces are a commie conspiracy. Gohmert is the legislator who didn’t want the U.S. to provide funds to China to help preserve the habitat of certain rare species of wild cats and dogs because (and I swear, I’m not making this up) “[T]here is no assurance that if we did that, we wouldn’t end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan. There is no way to assure that money will not be wasted.” That’s right, he didn’t want to save these rare animals because he thought Chinese folks might serve them with rice.

Gohmert has a long history of distrusting folks south of the Texas border. He’s the idiot who came up with the notion of ‘terror babies.’ You know…pregnant women being snuck into the U.S. by terrorists so their babies would be granted citizenship, after which they’d return to their terrorist home base where those babies would be “raised and coddled as future terrorists,” then “twenty, thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life.” That’s some weapons grade stupidity, right there.

Louis Gohmert just ain’t buying that ‘escaping from violence’ line those thousands of kids are handing out. He knows those kids are totally lying their brown little asses off. He says those kids have been coached by their parents (remember those parents–the ones who gave them birth control pills before sending them down that rape path on the train). Here’s what Gohmert had to say about the situation:

Texas and the United States is being invaded, and we’re in danger, and I know you’ve heard a lot of people say ‘Well, they’re fleeing gang violence,’ Well, I guess it was Friday night, in the middle of the night, I’m talking to border patrol out there along the dirt road by the river–by the way, the same dirt road where I saw my first tarantula that wasn’t in captivity. But anyway, a Hispanic border patrolman was telling me that, you know, over ninety percent of the people they questioned in Spanish immediately say ‘We’re fleeing gang violence’ and he said ‘Man, I push back hard when they say that, I say ‘You may want to lie like that to somebody else, but you and I both know that it’s the gangs that are getting paid to bring you up here, so don’t tell me you’re fleeing gang violence when you’re being transported up here to the U.S. by gangs.’ And he said over ninety percent of the time they’ll say ‘Well, that’s true, but we were told to say that we were fleeing gang violence.’

So there you have it. Gohmert believes that if gangs transport children to the U.S. border, then obviously those kids can’t be escaping gang violence in their home country. I guess because he thinks it must be the same gang? Or else he’s so fucking stupid he can’t count to two. Seriously, who would you believe? Sixty thousand kids who’ve risked their lives to reach the U.S. border, and whose reports of gang violence are supported by news sources? Or an unnamed border patrol agent you met on the same dirt road where you saw a free-range tarantula?

Lawdy, so very very very stupid. Speaking of which….

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R–Minnesota), eats paste.

Michele Bachmann, Republican from Minnesota. She has a special bubbly kind of stupid. A stupid that initially seems perky, but on closer observation is a barely contained manic stupidity. It’s stupidity laced with paranoia. Her take on those kids at the border? Obviously, President Obama is bringing them here for medical experiments.

President Obama is trying to bring all of those foreign nationals, those illegal aliens to the country and he has said that he will put them in the foster care system. That’s more kids that you can see how – we can’t imagine doing this, but if you have a hospital and they are going to get millions of dollars in government grants if they can conduct medical research on somebody, and a Ward of the state can’t say ‘no,’ a little kid can’t say ‘no’ if they’re a Ward of the state; so here you could have this institution getting millions of dollars from our government to do medical experimentation and a kid can’t even say ‘no.’ It’s sick.

You may have heard this line: That’s not only not right, it’s not even wrong. It was said by a physicist named Wolfgang Pauli after reading a paper that was so fundamentally flawed that it couldn’t be evaluated on a right-wrong metric.

Bachmann’s claim doesn’t just lead to a wrong conclusion. The premise of her claim aren’t even related to any possible conclusion. If 2+2=4 is correct, and 2+2=7 is wrong, then Bachmann is claiming 2+2=trout.

The problem with these three members of Congress isn’t just that they’re stupid; it’s that they combine their stupidity with mean-spiritedness. They see these kids as representing an existential threat to America–to their understanding of America. And so they want them sent away as quickly as possible. They don’t really care where the kids go, or what might happen to them when they get there–they just want them gone.

Each of these three idiots claim to be Christians. I’m not a Christian, but I’ve read the Bible and there’s some good stuff in there. Like this:

And they brought young children to him, that he should touch them: and his disciples rebuked those that brought them.

But when Jesus saw it, he was much displeased, and said unto them, Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God.

Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein.

And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

And he took them up in his arms and blessed them. I like that. These guys keep saying the U.S. should base policy on biblical principles. Most of the time I think that’s a really bad idea. But I could get behind a policy that embraces the little children.

these fucking idjits

Posted on July 24, 2014 by greg

Okay, I’ll admit, I don’t credit the Open Carry Texas folks with an abundance of common sense. I mean, openly toting firearms in a store called ‘Target’ seems pretty stupid on a fundamental level. Sure, it could be interpreted as an ironic statement on the way the Second Goddamn Amendment is interpreted by some folks these days. Except the OCT folks are as lacking in irony as they are in common sense.

If openly walking around with a firearm in a big box store is stupid (it is really stupid), then approximately how stupid would it be to do the same thing in Dealey Plaza in Dallas? Here’s the answer: incredibly fucking stupid. We’re talking about Dealey Plaza, where President John F. Kennedy had a big chunk of his head explosively removed by a high-powered rifle.

Open Carry Texas promoting the Second Amendment in Dealey Plaza

Here’s one of the problems: these guys are fucking idjits. In Texas, they have the legal right to carry rifles and shotguns in public. I may not like it, but they absolutely have that right, just as they have the right to be fucking idjits. But here’s a true thing: being a fucking idjit in support of a cause isn’t the best way to promote that cause. People aren’t seeing these fucking idjits and thinking ‘Hey, cool, guns in Dealey Plaza, I want to get in on that.’ They’re thinking ‘Who are these fucking idjits toting guns in Dealey Plaza?’

Here’s another problem: The already blemished record of Texas in regard to powerful weaponry and U.S. presidents that are unpopular with conservatives is made even worse by Open Carry idjits. Like this one:

ArmedMom.png (550×614)

Where is an assasin [sic] when you need one? Oh, I don’t know…maybe in Texas. When people say shit like this, even in jest, it actually has the effect of increasing the climate of hate. A small effect, sure — but you put enough small effects together and you get a big effect. It increases the climate of hate and fear, and lowers the threshold for acting on that fear and hate.

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that in 1963, a couple of hours before his motorcade took him to Dealey Plaza, President Kennedy told his wife, “We’re heading into nut country today.” He said that after seeing this poster:

I’ve said this before: I’m pretty much a free speech absolutist. I may find this sort of shit hateful and offensive, but I support the right of hateful people to express their hate in this manner. I may abhor the law that allows Texans to carry their long weapons in public, but it’s the law. Even in Dealey Plaza.

But it’s important that we don’t ignore the toxic effect of this stuff. Especially when we start seeing this sort of shit:

Does that look at all familiar? Now keep that poster in mind while considering the jackass in the following video — the jackass who says crap like this:

“[Y]ou worry about foreigners coming over the border, we got a foreigner as president! We got a foreigner that was born in Kenya, that has an illegal birth certificate, as president — and you guys are worried about foreigners coming over the border!”

Where is an assassin when you need one? You’re growing them in Texas. And in Arizona, and Nevada, and New Hampshire, and yeah, we’re growing them right here in Iowa. We’re growing them everywhere these fucking idjits gather to talk about ‘Second Amendment remedies’ for dealing with politicians and policies they dislike.

The odds are none of these hateful fucking idjits in Open Carry Texas will ever shoot anybody. But they’re making it easier for other fucking idjits to do it.

chortling curtailed

Posted on July 22, 2014 by greg

You guys, today I totally sorta kinda feel bad for Republicans (okay, no, not really). I mean the day started out SO well for them. A three-judge panel on the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled the Affordable Care Act (better known as Obamacare, or the Kenyan Usurper’s Completely Socialist Plot to Destroy These United States by Giving Health Care to Poor People) was “a plate of absolute bullshit with special bullshit sauce, served with a side of bullshit salad” (actual quote from the ruling, as interpreted by me).

Basically, the court said the Federal gubmint can’t pay subsidies to help poor and working class folks get health insurance. Why? Because there was an editing error in the final draft. It said the subsidies would be paid through exchanges “established by the State”, which two of the three judges decided meant the individual state instead of the federal state. And no, I’m not making that up. That’s actually the basis of their decision. I think. Or something equally absurd.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-Potterville) chortling

Republicans were all “Yay! Millions of poor folks will be denied health care! Democracy works!” House Speaker John Boehner (Hapless Orange-faced Republican Windbag from Ohio) celebrated the decision. He said: “Today’s ruling is also further proof that President Obama’s health care law is completely unworkable. It cannot be fixed.” Senator Ted Cruz (Batshit Crazy Republican from Where Else?) issued a mildly lunatic statement commending the appeals court.

“The D.C. Circuit’s decision today in Halbig v. Burwell is a repudiation of Obamacare and all the lawlessness that has come with it…. This is a significant victory for the American people and the rule of law.”

Completely unworkable, you guys! Lawlessness! A significant victory! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Boehner and Cruz chortled in their joy. For like maybe five minutes. Then…blammo! (Actual sound made by appeals court rulings.) The Fourth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled unanimously on the same issue, saying “Are you fucking kidding me? Jeebus, it’s pretty clear from every other goddam word in the Act that they’re talking about the Feds, you morons. Are you guys off your meds?” (Actual quote from the ruling, as interpreted by me.)

Senator Cruz, post-chortle

The Fourth Circuit ruling included an analogy:

If I ask for pizza from Pizza Hut for lunch but clarify that I would be fine with a pizza from Domino’s, and I then specify that I want ham and pepperoni on my pizza from Pizza Hut, my friend who returns from Domino’s with a ham and pepperoni pizza has still complied with a literal construction of my lunch order. That is this case.

Seriously, you guys. That’s actually from the decision. Not interpreted by me or any of my personalities. Honest, no shit, directly verbatim from the ruling. Boehner and Cruz did not chortle.

Speaker of the House John Boehner, chortle-free

I really truly almost sorta kinda (not really) feel bad for those guys. The DC Circuit gave them a piece of candy and the Fourth Circuit took it away. Jill Greenberg could make a photo series out of these guys.

President Obama, on the other hand…

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it's this or get a real job

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