just when you thought it was safe…

It’s the beginning of summer on Amity Island, DC. Beach weather. After our pandemic year, we’re all looking to relax and take it easy, to get our lives back to something like normal. Young people, feeling invulnerable, hold an impromptu beach party. Drinking. Flirting. Playing guitars. Skinny dipping in legislative waters.

The next morning, the remains of a lithe and vibrant young election result was found washed up on the beach. Noted legislative expert Dr. E. Warren examines the cadaver.

“The height and weight of the election result can only be estimated from the partial remains. It has been severed in mid-thorax. There are no major organs remaining. May I have a glass of water please? Right arm has been severed with massive tissue loss in the upper legislative musculature. This was no boating accident! This is what happens with the non-frenzy feeding of a large legislative-eating great white filibuster.”

This was no boating accident.

According to Dr. Warren, “The great white filibuster is attracted to the exact kind of splashing and activity that occurs whenever human beings go legislating civil rights. You cannot avoid it.” She convinces Police Chief Uncle Joe Biden to alert the Amity Island DC authorities. She tells them, “There are only two ways to deal with this problem: you either kill the animal, or cut off its food supply.” Chief Uncle Joe wants to warn the public, close the beach loopholes, keep democracy alive. But…

But Joe Manchin is the Mayor of Amity Island, DC. He says, “I don’t think either one of you are familiar with our problems! Amity is a political town. We need political dollars. I don’t think you appreciate the gut reaction people have to these things, Chief. It’s all psychological. You yell ‘Point of order!’ everybody says ‘Huh? What?’ You yell ‘Filibuster,’ we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.The beaches must stay open.”

The weekend comes. Political families gather at the beach. Adults are wearing sunscreen, sitting in beach chairs reading trashy novels, glancing up now and then at the young legislation playing noisily in the shallow water…the shallow water thirty feet from shore, where most filibuster attacks take place.

Da dum. Daaa dumm. Daaa dumm. DadumDadumDadum.

As Senators and ordinary citizens watch in horror, the filibuster strikes. An innocent Commission on the Insurrection is savagely attacked in full view of the people. Attacked, killed, dragged under the water, and eaten while politicians stand on the beach, helpless to stop the massive filibuster.

Sinema makes her presence known.

Their fears confirmed, Chief Uncle Joe consults a quirky, eccentric, grizzled local legislative renegade–Sinema. The chief asks Sinema to help find and kill the filibuster, to keep democracy safe. She says, “It ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish! Not like going down to the pond and chasing bluegills or naming a post office. This filibuster, swallow ya whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, down you go. I value my neck a lot more than that. I’ll find this filibuster for democracy, but I’ll catch it–and kill it–for attention.”

The three of them–Chief Uncle Joe, Dr. Warren, and Sinema–go out to sea in Sinema’s ancient fishing boat, the Ego. She’s unimpressed with Dr. Warren’s anti-filibuster cage. “You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water? You go in the water? Filibuster’s in the water? Our filibuster?” She begins to sing, quirkily, “Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies….”

Chief Uncle Joe is put to work ladling chum–bloody bits of minor legislation and judicial nominations–into the water to attract the filibuster. And sure enough, it appears. It’s enormous, gargantuan, a monstrous bloody-toothed freak of nature–a ravenous, insatiable creature of mythical proportion.

Da dum. Daaa dumm. Daaa dumm. DadumDadumDadum.

The filibuster approaches.

We’re gonna need a bigger Congress,” Chief Uncle Joe says. Sinema sees the filibuster up close and is staggered. She turns to Chief Uncle Joe and says, “When you have a place that’s broken and not working, and many would say that’s the Amity Island DC today, I don’t think the solution is to erode the laws of nature. I think the solution is for islanders to change their behavior and begin to work together with the filibuster.

Sinema turns her boat around. They head back to the harbor, where Mayor Manchin is waiting at the dock. Sinema and Manchin stand by silently while Republicans prevent future beach closures. The filibuster is still out there, still hungry, still waiting just below the surface.

Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.

fucking democrats, i declare

Here’s a headline in today’s Washington Post:

Democrats consider one-week impeachment trial, censure resolution after GOP signals likely acquittal of Trump.

And here’s the lede:

Bracing for the prospect of a likely acquittal, Senate Democrats are eyeing a rapid-fire impeachment trial for former president Donald Trump — as short as one week — while also contemplating alternatives such as censure that could attract more support from Republicans.

Fucking Democrats, I declare. This is the sitch: 1) the former president, having lost the election, after repeatedly making blatantly false claims of fraud, tried to stop the certification of the fairly elected new president by inciting a riot IN the US Capitol Building, which directly threatened the life of his own vice-president AND the Speaker of the House–a riot in which people died. 2) Democrats in the House filed an article of impeachment. 3) Republicans said “Nuh uh, not gonna happen.” 4) Democrats acknowledge defeat, consider censure instead, hoping for support from Republicans.

Democratic leadership, you guys suck. Don’t look for support from Republicans; look for support from the people who fucking VOTED FOR YOU. The Republicans are right not to respect you, because you don’t respect yourselves. Worse, you don’t respect us, the people who voted for you. We voted for you to stand up and do what’s right, to fight for what’s right, even if you might lose. Even if you know you’re going to lose. You guys think it’s somehow better to negotiate a surrender than take a chance on losing a fight.

You can’t negotiate with terrorists. Jesus suffering fuck.

A couple of days ago, Mitch McConnell, who is no longer in charge of the Senate, made this threat: “I made clear that if Democrats ever attack the key Senate rules, it would drain the consent and comity out of the institution. A scorched-earth Senate would hardly be able to function. It wouldn’t be a progressive’s dream. It would be a nightmare. I guarantee it.”

This guy? You’re letting this guy intimidate you? This pale, pasty, withered old fart? Fucking Democrats, I declare.

He feels confident enough to guarantee it because he knows you guys crumple like tissue paper when confronted. This is the same guy who openly pissed all over the key Senate rules. He reduced the hearings on Trump’s judicial appointments from thirty hours to two. Two hours to debate judges, some of whom the American Bar Associate said weren’t qualified. Two fucking hours. He got rid of the filibuster for Supreme Court nominations, which gave us Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett. He used the reconciliation process to pass Trump’s tax break for the rich legislation. And now he’s threatening Democrats if they attempt to do the same thing?

Listen, you won the election. I shouldn’t have to repeat that, but I will. YOU WON THE ELECTION. We have a Democrat as president. Uncle Joe may not be the greatest, but he’ll do the damn job IF YOU HELP HIM. You have a majority in the House and you control the Senate. I’m going to say it again. You won the damned election. ACT LIKE IT. Impeach the motherfucker. Put the entire Republican Party on trial, since they supported him. Put them on record as supporting an insurrection. Get all the evidence out, let the people know what happened. If it takes two weeks–if it takes a whole month–to get all the evidence out, then do it. Don’t back down just because you’re afraid of losing. And pass Biden’s proposed legislation, even if you don’t have any Republican support (and c’mon, do you really expect you’re going to get much Republican support?). When Republicans whine about ‘unity’ don’t even bother to remind them of what they’ve done in the past. Just fucking ignore them and do your goddamn job.

There MUST be consequences. Consequences for the violence, consequences for the racism, consequences for lies, consequences for the hypocrisy, consequences for the misogyny, consequences for attempting to overturn the election, consequences for pissing all over representative democracy.

If you’re unable to see that FAILURE to hold these fuckers accountable will only insure that they’ll continue to pull the same shit again and again and again, then you’re useless. If you can’t see that, then you’ve wasted our votes. And there WILL be consequences for that. Count on it. The consequence may be that you’ll lose your seats in Congress, but if you won’t do your job, that’s not much of a loss. The real consequence–the consequence that matters–will be that you contributed to the death of democracy in the United States.