no dream is impossible

Oh, c’mon Texas, I’m beginning to think y’all are doing this on purpose.

Seriously, y’all have managed to pack an entire psychopathology into three little words: Republican from Texas. I swear, when the next version of the DSM is released there’ll be a diagnostic ladder for Republican from Texas. That three-word phrase has already become shorthand for bone-stupid, delusional, obsessive, and well-armed.

Texas, you started us off slowly (so to speak) with George W. He wasn’t so much stupid as he was intellectually disconnected and entirely unimaginative. But then you doubled down with Rick ‘Good Hair’ Perry, and before you know it we were up to our hips in Louie Gohmert, the Republican from Texas poster boy. Gohmert is so fucking stupid and delusional he won’t tie his shoes because he thinks shoelaces are gay. That’s why he wears cowboy boots, so his laces won’t get gay-married.

Louie Gohmert, Republican from Texas

Louie Gohmert, Republican from Texas Poster Boy

But Texas, you’re not satisfied with your Rick Perrys and your Louie Gohmerts. No sir, you have a bench of Republicans from Texas full of goobers, tuna-heads, whack-jobs, and 40 Watt dimwits. Folks who are so loopy that, in other states, they’d be locked in the attic and fed table scraps don’t even get noticed among Republicans from Texas.

Including poor Blake Farenthold. And just who is Blake Farenthold, you ask? This is Blake Farenthold.

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas (on the right)

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas (he’s the one on the right).

No, I’m not kidding. The guy in the blue pyjamas with the yellow duckies? Guys, that’s the United States Representative for Texas’s 27th congressional district. And I’m willing to bet a shiny new nickel that you probably hadn’t even heard of him before. If so, that’s not Congressman Farenthold’s fault; it’s because he’s just not quite as irresponsibly insane as other Republicans from Texas.

Don’t get me wrong, the guy is completely loopy. Just not that loopy, not on the Republican from Texas scale. But he’s trying. Give pyjama-boy credit, he’s trying. At a town hall meeting with his constituents just last weekend, Farenthold was given proof that President Obama committed a felony by being a secret Muslim atheist faggot from Communist Kenya. Proof, mind you — put right into his hand. So why hasn’t Obama been impeached? Farenthold said that was:

“…a question I get a lot. ‘If everyone’s so unhappy with the president’s done, why don’t you impeach him?’ I’ll give you a real frank answer about that. If we were to impeach the president tomorrow, you could probably get the votes in the House of Representatives to do it. But it would go to the Senate and he wouldn’t be convicted.”

Farenthold apparently believes Making Texans Unhappy is an impeachable offense. The House of Representatives would impeach him for that, but those fucking Senators? No ma’am, not gonna do it. Farenthold believes it should have been done a long time ago, and now it’s just too late.

“I think unfortunately the horse is already out of the barn on this, on the whole birth certificate issue. The original Congress when his eligibility came up should have looked into it and they didn’t. I’m not sure how we fix it.”

Oh, if only the original Congress had been patriotic enough to keep that birth certificate equine in the barn! Mitt Romney would be president today, and we’d all be eating crème brûlée while riding on dancing horses.

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas, legislating his little heart out.

Congressman Farenthold has some serious work to do if he wants to politic with the boys in the big hats. But he’s making the effort. He’s putting himself out there, meeting with his lunatic constituents, saying all sorts of crazy shit and doing it in public. He’s doing all he can to represent his Congressional district and uphold the standards of the Texas Republican Party.

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas

Blake Farenthold, Republican from Texas, representing his constituents.

If Blake Farenthold can find the energy to keep this up — and I’ve no doubt he’ll do his very best — he has the potential to some day be known as the Louie Gohmert of South Texas. No dream is impossible.

texas republicans

There are stupid people everywhere. Everywhere. No region of the nation has a lock on stupidity. But I am increasingly convinced the very stupidest people are Republicans from Texas. I’m not suggesting they’re stupid because they’re Republicans, or because they’re from Texas. I know a number of Republicans who are exceedingly clever and some Texans who are brilliant. But when I happen to come across a politician saying something profoundly stupid — something stupid at the genetic level — it’s almost always said by a Republican from Texas.

Texas Republican Governor, Rick Perry (stupid, sure)

Texas Republican Governor, Rick Perry (stupid, sure)

Evidence? Did I hear you ask for evidence? How about this: Rick Perry is not the stupidest Republican in Texas. This is a guy who once said “Juarez is reported to be the most dangerous city in America.” He’s the Governor of Texas, and he doesn’t know Juarez is across the border in Mexico — and he’s still not the stupidest Texas Republican. This is a guy who, when speaking about the disastrous BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, said “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” Rick Perry thinks the explosion on the oil rig — the one that killed 11 workers, injured 16 others, and caused an ongoing ecological catastrophe — was a natural disaster, like a hurricane or a forest fire. This is a guy who was out-debated by Michele Bachmann. And he’s still not the stupidest Republican in Texas.

Texas Republican Joe Barton (stupid, no doubt about it)

Texas Republican Joe Barton (stupid, no doubt about it)

Even more stupid: Congressman Joe Barton. Perry might think the BP oil disaster was an act of God, but Joe Barton is so stupid he apologized to BP for the government asking them to pay to clean up the mess they made in the Gulf. No, I’m not kidding; this guy actually apologized. To the people responsible for the disaster.

“I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case, a $20 billion shakedown. I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any citizen or corporation that does something that is legitimately wrong is subject to some sort of political pressure that, again in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize.”

Joe Barton is so stupid he once cited the Great Flood (you know, as in Noah’s Ark) as an argument against climate change. But stupid as Joe Barton is, he’s not the stupidest Republican in Texas. I swear, there are at least two more Texas Republicans who are measurably more stupid than Joe Barton.

But which one is the most stupid Texas Republican — that’s the question. I’d say there’s a veritable tie. On the one hand we’ve got the old school, long-term, legendary stupidity of Louie Gohmert. On the other hand, there’s the newly-discovered, revolutionary stupidity of Ted Cruz. Traditionalists will probably go for Gohmert, and with good reason. I’ve written about Gohmert before; he’s been supplying weapons-grade stupidity with consistency and reliability for some time. Gohmert has a reputation as the ‘go-to’ guy for Texas Republican stupidity. He’s got experience on his side.

Texas Republican Louie Gohmert (oh my god stupid)

Texas Republican Louie Gohmert (oh my god stupid)

Gohmert is the guy who concocted the notion of ‘terror babies.’ He claims terrorists are sending pregnant women into the U.S. to have babies (who are granted citizenship), after which they’ll return to their terrorist home base where those babies would be “raised and coddled as future terrorists,” then “twenty, thirty years down the road, they can be sent in to help destroy our way of life.”

Gohmert is the guy who argued against the U.S. providing funds to China to help preserve the habitat of certain rare species of wild cats and dogs because “[t]here is no assurance that if we did that, we wouldn’t end up with moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan. There is no way to assure that money will not be wasted.” Seriously. Moo goo cat pan.

Gohmert is the guy (and honest, I’m NOT making this up) who filed an amendment to the most recent continuing resolution bill (the one that keeps the government funded) which would prevent President Obama from playing golf until the White House tours resume (which were halted as part of the Republicans’ sequester).

Louie Gohmert provides a constant cascade of stupid. But I think I have to give the stupidity edge to the new Senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. It’s not that the quality of his stupidity is superior to Gohmert’s; it’s that he’s done so much stupid in such a short time. Cruz has a stupidity production rate that’s truly astonishing. He’s only been in Congress for about five months, but he’s packed a LOT of stupid in that short time.

Texas Republican Ted Cruz (maybe stupid, maybe just fucking nuts)

Texas Republican Ted Cruz (maybe really stupid, maybe just fucking nuts)

Cruz believes the United Nations program ‘Agenda 21’ (which is a non-binding, voluntarily implemented plan dealing with sustainable development) is a conspiratorial plot developed by George Soros “to abolish ‘unsustainable’ environments, including golf courses, grazing pastures, and paved roads.” It’s not quite clear (and by ‘not quite’ I mean ‘at all’) what Cruz thinks Soros wants to accomplish by abolishing golf courses. But damned if he’s going to let some foreigner do away with the Texas golf courses, grazing pastures, and paved roads that Davie Crockett fought for at the Alamo.

Cruz is so stupid he opposed a Senate resolution commemorating Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week. This is something Congress does as a matter of course — two to three hundred times a year, they vote to commemorate something. Little League baseball. The mathematical constant pi. Recreational vehicles. Welders Appreciation Day. And yes, this year Congress agreed to declare March 11 through March 15, 2013 Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week…

…in recognition of the importance of finding the cause and cure for multiple sclerosis and to express appreciation to the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

Ted Cruz objected. Why? “Unfortunately, the sponsors of this resolution circulated their request for unanimous consent less than 48 hours before they wanted it passed.” Seriously. Forty-eight hours wasn’t long enough for the Senator from the Great State of Texas and his entire staff to decide whether or not they wanted to recognize “the importance of finding the cause and cure” for MS. That is stupid on a galactic scale.

But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Ted Cruz ought to be disqualified from the Stupidest Republican from Texas Award. Maybe Ted Cruz isn’t really stupid at all. Maybe he’s just fucking nuts.

This is the Texas Republican Party. Proudly stupid, full of self-important rage, possibly insane.

it’s irrefutable

I’m a relatively smart guy. You know what the problem is with being a relatively smart guy? The problem is it’s hard to believe that other people can be so incredibly fucking stupid.

I know that sounds arrogant, and that bothers me. But it doesn’t alter the fact that there are some astonishingly stupid people out there — and some of them are in Congress. The depth and breadth of their stupidity is so massive it can’t be covered in a single blog entry. It can’t be covered in a single book. There are people in both houses of Congress who are stupid on an encyclopedic scale; it would take multiple volumes to cover the extent of their stupidity. But right now I’m just thinking about their stupidity on the current United Nations Arms treaty.

Senator Jerry Moran, R-Kansas, Pretty Fucking Stupid

Senator Jerry Moran, R-Kansas, Pretty Fucking Stupid

If you’re not aware of it, the U.N. has spent the last seven years banging out an agreement that will establish some minimal controls on the international gun trade. We’re talking about tanks, military drones, armored combat vehicles, large-caliber artillery systems, combat aircraft, attack helicopters, warships, missiles and missile launchers, AND small arms sold in bulk. The controls are based on whether the weapons “will be used to break humanitarian law, foment genocide or war crimes, abet terrorism or organized crime or slaughter women and children.” It’s aimed at curbing the major arms dealers, the corporations (and nations) that deal in bulk weapon sales.

The treaty was passed, 154 to 3. The three nations that voted against the treaty? North Korea, Syria, and Iran. The U.S. approved the treaty, but it needs to be ratified by Congress. And here comes the stupid. There are a LOT of Republicans (and, sadly, some Democrats) who are siding with North Korea. Why? Because, despite all the evidence, this nitwits believe the U.N. treaty will inevitably lead to the confiscation of firearms from gun owners in the U.S. That is some serious stupid, right there.

Senator Mike Lee, R-Utah, Pretty Fucking Stupid

Senator Mike Lee, R-Utah, Pretty Fucking Stupid

“I am gravely concerned this treaty will infringe upon the Second Amendment rights of American gun owners.” — Senator Jerry Moran

“I have great concerns that this treaty can be used to violate the Second Amendment rights of American citizens.” — Senator Mike Lee

“This U.N. treaty takes away Constitutional authority; it diminishes the Constitution, it gives up Constitutional rights to a U.N. authority that should not exist. Anyone who votes for this U.N. treaty is violating their oath to support and defend the Constitution. It’s that simple.” — Representative Louie Gohmert

Let me just repeat the purpose of the treaty. It’s to make it more difficult for major arms exporters to sell weapons in bulk to governments or political movements or other military entities who are likely to use those weapons to 1) violate humanitarian law, 2) engage in genocide or war crimes, 3) engage in terrorism or organized crime, 4) or slaughter women and children.

Representative Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, Incredibly Stupid

Representative Louie Gohmert, R-Texas, Incredibly Fucking Stupid

The treaty would have NO effect at all on anybody’s ability to walk into a gun shop and buy any gun they can afford. In order to believe the treaty would somehow infringe on the Second Amendment, you’d have to be really paranoid and pretty fucking stupid.

How paranoid and fucking stupid? Paranoid and fucking stupid enough to believe the treaty includes provisions to ban people 55 and older from owning a weapon. That notion is circulating widely among conservatives. NO, I’m NOT making this up.

Why do they believe that? Because 1) U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is said (I can find no record of this statement) to have expressed an opinion that people who’ve been “adjudicated mentally defective and persons with attenuating cerebral faculties” probably shouldn’t own weapons because they could be a danger to themselves. And because 2) somebody in Amnesty International pointed out that research shows “a significant majority of gun-related suicides, accidental shootings, non-fatal negligent discharges are perpetrated by persons 55 and over.” So therefore: 3) the United Nations is going to seize the guns of everybody over age 55, and that’s just the first step to 4) confiscating ALL THE GUNS.

I know, I know…that defies any semblance of normal logic. But logic is weak armor against stupid, especially when stupid is driven by fear. Want proof? Here’s Rep. Gohmert’s argument against limiting firearm magazines to ten rounds:

“[W]hy would you draw the line at ten? What’s wrong with nine? Or eleven? And the problem is once you draw that limit; it’s kind of like marriage when you say it’s not a man and a woman any more, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?”

Got that? If you limit ammunition to ten rounds pretty soon people will be marrying goats. And that slippery slope will inevitably lead to laws requiring us to speak French and eat soft communist cheeses. You can’t refute that logic.

a sad and shabby sort of patriotism

This week’s display of squalid politics by Congressman Steve Stockman just makes me sad. I’ve written about Stockman before. It wasn’t so much that he chose to invite Ted Nugent to President Obama’s State of the Union address. That was certainly shabby behavior. But what I find most sad is this line from Stockman’s press release:

“I am excited to have a patriot like Ted Nugent joining me in the House Chamber to hear from President Obama.”

A patriot. Stockman considers Ted Nugent a patriot. What sort of patriot wonders if the United States would be better off if the Confederacy had won the U.S. Civil War? Here’s what Nugent wrote in a Washington Times column:

Because our legislative, judicial and executive branches of government hold the 10th Amendment in contempt, I’m beginning to wonder if it would have been best had the South won the Civil War.

Nugent is certainly free to disagree with the U.S. Supreme Court. I often disagree with them my ownself. But it would never occur to me to wonder if maybe the Confederacy should have prevailed in the Civil War. Steve Stockman has some odd ideas about what constitutes patriotism.

Congressman Steve Stockman (Republican Lunatic - Texas)

Congressman Steve Stockman (Republican Lunatic – Texas)

And what sort of patriot dodges the draft, brags about it, but encourages others to enlist in military service and fight in our wars? In a 1977 interview in High Times magazine, Nugent discussed how he evaded the draft.

So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break!

To prepare for his draft physical, Nugent described how he stopped bathing, how he ate nothing but a junk food diet, how he urinated and defecated in his pants. He told the interviewer he smoked meth before reporting for the physical, apparently to be sure he was in the right frame of mind. And, of course, Nugent was declared unfit for military service.

I may disagree with folks who avoided military service during the Vietnam War, but I respect those who were forthright about it — the men who went to prison for refusing to report, even the ones who chose to leave the country rather than fight for a war they didn’t believe in. Those people made principled decisions and they accepted the consequences. I have no respect for people who supported the war but chose to game the system because they simply couldn’t be bothered to serve in the military. In that same High Times interview, Nugent went on to say this:

But you know the funny thing about it? I’d make an incredible army man. I’d be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I’d have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin’ killers you’d ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn’t into it. I was too busy doin’ my own thing, you know?

Here’s another ‘funny’ thing about it: Steve Stockman considers this hypocritical braggart to be a patriot.

Ted Nugent (woman-hating, gun nut, coward, pedophile Republican - Michigan)

Ted Nugent (woman-hating, gun nut, coward, pedophile Republican – Michigan)

I don’t think Nugent’s sex life has anything to do with patriotism — you can, I suppose, be a pedophile and still love your country — but I’m going to mention it here anyway, just as an indication of exactly how much bad behavior Stockman is willing to overlook when he’s inviting guests to the State of the Union speech.

Nugent is a self-confessed pedophile. He’s admitted to numerous sexual relationships with underage girls and young women. One of them was Courtney Love, who has publicly stated she gave Nugent a blow job when she was twelve (which would have made Nugent around 28 years old).

A lot of rockers in those days probably did the same thing — and also got away with it. But Congressman Stockman professes to be concerned about young girls. In fact, he opposes immigration reform because he claims it will result in the sexual abuse of girls.

Our failure to secure our border has led to horrific, tragic stories of innocents brutally smuggled into the United States to serve as slave labor, and thousands of young girls forced into prostitution.

Apparently he’s less concerned about the welfare of young girls who voluntarily give blow jobs to rock musicians. Maybe he thinks that’s an example of entrepreneurial spirit?

Still, I admit Nugent’s sexual kinks have nothing to do with his qualities as a patriot — only his qualities as a human being. Stockman, to my knowledge, never claimed Ted Nugent was a decent human being; he only said Nugent was a patriot. So what makes this aging rock musician a patriot in Stockman’s eyes?

I can only assume it’s Nugent’s passionate hatred of President Obama and women Democrats, including Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, and Dianne Feinstein.

In case the audio is unclear, here’s what Nugent said:

“I was in Chicago and I said ‘Hey Obama, you might want to suck on one of these you punk.’ Obama, he’s a piece of shit, and I told him to suck on my machine gun. Then I was in New York and I said, ‘Hey Hillary you might want to ride one of these into the sunset you worthless bitch.’ Then I was out in California and I thought, Barbara Boxer, she might want to suck on my machine gun. Hey Dianne Feinstein, ride one of these you worthless whore.”

Imagine the reaction from Republicans if a Democrat had invited a guest who called President George W. Bush ‘a piece of shit’ to the State of the Union address.

I’m a fan of the First Amendment. I’m pretty close to being a free speech absolutist. I’m proud to live in a nation where pathetic asswipes like Ted Nugent feel free to say any hateful thing they want. But it’s shameful for an elected official of our government to consider Nugent a patriot.

Ted Nugent is no patriot. He’s a coward and a bully. He had an opportunity to serve his country in a war he supported; he chose, instead, to shit his pants. Like every other American, Steve Stockman also had an opportunity to express his patriotism and join the military when he turned eighteen. Did he? No.

Stockman, however, had a unique opportunity to demonstrate his patriotism. On 19 April, 1995 Timothy McVeigh detonated a bomb at the Federal Building in Oklahoma City, killing 168 people, including 19 children under the age of six. Stockman, an arch-conservative serving his first term in Congress, received an anonymous fax shortly after the explosion, containing information about the terrorist event. It says something about Stockman’s politics that domestic terrorists felt he was enough of a kindred spirit that they’d send him a fax about the explosion. But even more revealing is what Stockman did with that fax.

He sent it to the headquarters of the National Rifle Association. Sometime later he also forwarded it to the Justice Department.

So maybe it’s not so odd that Steve Stockman considers Ted Nugent a patriot after all.

finger demons

“There is evil prowling in the world…”

Evil, you guys! Evil, right out there in the world, just a-prowling along, according to Rick Perry, the Republican Governor of Texas. You can be assured, Gov. Perry knows evil when he sees it, and he knows where it comes from: it comes from demons.

“Guns require a finger to pull the trigger. The sad young man who did that in Newtown was clearly haunted by demons.”

Demons, you guys! Demons in that kid’s trigger finger! Can you eradicate demons with laws? Why no, you cannot. But so long as demons inhabit the trigger fingers of weak and wicked people who have access to innocent firearms, something must be done. We cannot stand idly by and allow these horrific finger-related tragedies to continue. Gov. Rick Perry, Texas Republican, knows how to fight demons:

“Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children.”

I know. I know you were expecting Gov. Rick Perry of Texas to take a more active stance against demonic-possessed trigger fingers. You were maybe expecting him to advocate amputation of the offending digit. So was I — I totally thought R. Perry, the elected Republican Governor of Texas, was going to be all “Off with their fingers!” But no. Texas Gov. Perry is taking a more modest, non-confrontational approach. We can pray the demons right out of those fingers. You know…to protect the children.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and his demon-free Republican finger

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and his demon-free Republican finger protecting children

In related news, tomorrow is the First Annual Gun Appreciation Day. Oh, we’re happy to show how much we care about the victims of finger-demon violence, but Americans have been reluctant to demonstrate just how much we esteem and cherish guns. That ends tomorrow, you guys.

gun appreciation day

Some of you may feel it’s inappropriate to hold Gun Appreciation Day 48 hours before Martin Luther King Day. But Larry Ward, the singular genius behind Gun Appreciation Day, is convinced Dr. King would be totally honored by having his birthday associated with Gun Appreciation Day. In an interview on CNN, Ward (and I don’t know his political affiliation, but I’m willing to guess he’s a Republican — though he may not be from Texas) said this:

“I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”

You guys, if he hadn’t been shot down in cold blood is there any doubt that Martin Luther King would agree that had slave-owners issued firearms to their slaves, then maybe slavery wouldn’t exist and lawdy I think I got stupider just writing that.

Larry Ward is one of the most passionate, if inarticulate, spokesmen for responsible gun ownership. In the following interview with a citizen-journalist, Ward argues:

“[W]e can’t stop them from grabbing a weapon and walking into a school or a private place or a post office or a mall.”

By ‘them’ Ward means felons and the mentally ill (and presumably people possessed by finger demons, though he failed to address that particular issue). And because we can’t stop them, there’s no point in passing legislation that might stop them. Obviously. Here’s the interview:

He’s pretty charismatic, that Larry Ward, isn’t he. You’re probably thinking tomorrow’s Gun Appreciation Day will be massively popular with everybody. But no! You guys, there are people out there who apparently don’t appreciate guns. Seriously, I’m not making that up. In fact, a group called United for Change USA has offered a petition to prevent Gun Appreciation Day from taking place. In their petition, they say:

This is an outrage and a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom!

Clearly, the best way to respond to a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom is to prevent people you disagree with from expressing their point of view.

I may attend the local Gun Appreciation Day event tomorrow. Not because I appreciate guns all that much, but because I appreciate free speech a lot. But first I’ll need to wrap my fingers in tin-foil dipped in holy water. I don’t want any pesky finger demons to disrupt my appreciation of guns.

the stupidest fucking people on the planet

Let me begin by saying this: I’m a liberal who likes guns. Guns are incredibly efficient technology, and I like efficiency. They make a terrific noise, and there are times when I enjoy a loud noise. I like the fact that you can point them at an object and a hole will appear in that object, and I like that it takes some skill to make that hole appear where you want it to appear. If you shoot a handgun at night, flame comes out of the barrel — and that’s pretty. Even prettier is tracer fire at night. So yes, I like guns.

I just don’t trust anybody to own one.

The fetishization of firearms reveals the very worst of American culture. It makes already paranoid people even more paranoid and already stupid people even more stupid. Witness Representative Louis Gohmert, a Republican from Texas (and I don’t want to cast aspersions on Texas, but lawdy folks, what the fuck is wrong with you people?). Gohmert has proven himself capable of superhuman feats of stupidity in the past (he once argued that the Trans-Alaska oil pipeline was good for the environment because it gave caribou a place to have sex), but in an interview this morning he took stupid to a new level. Gohmert claimed last night’s mass murder at the premier of the new Batman movie in Aurora, Colorado was a result of “ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs.” That’s not just stupid, it’s delusional. He also wondered why nobody in the audience didn’t pull a firearm and return fire — I guess because one person shooting in a dark movie theater just isn’t enough. But hey, returning fire — that’s the Christian thing to do. (Gohmert, by the way, teaches Sunday School at the Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler, Texas; it’s unknown how many of the children who attend his lectures are packing heat.)

Louis Gohmert

Some people on far right websites like FreeRepublic are even asserting the mass murder is part of a plan by the Obama administration — either to seize all the weapons in the US before the election in November or as part of a Muslim Brotherhood plot to seize control of the US. Or both. Others are claiming the shooting was part of an Occupy Wall Street plan to…well, nobody seems to know why OWS would shoot innocent strangers in a movie theater, but fucking hippie faggot communists dammit they’re capable of anything — I mean, what sort of people play drums in a circle? And then, of course, there were the people who assumed that since the shooting took place on the first night of Ramadan, it had to be a jihadist attack. Stupid, stupid fucking people.

There are three things we can be certain of. First, there will be calls from a few liberals for reasonable gun control legislation. Second, there will be claims from conservatives that existing gun control laws are already too strict. And finally, nothing will change.

Right now in the United States it’s almost as easy to buy a firearm as it is to buy a toaster. Sure, if you go to a licensed gun dealer, you’ll have to fill out a form and show some identification–but you’d have to be stupider than Louis Gohmert if you can’t figure out an easy way to get around that. Even if you are that stupid, you can still go to a gun show this weekend and buy any number of weapons without filling out any forms or showing any identification at all. Or you can go to an estate sale, or an auction, or a garage sale and buy weapons. Or if it’s too hot to go outside, you buy weapons through mail-order sportsman catalogs or on the internet and have them delivered right to your door.

This didn’t change after the Columbine School shootings, it didn’t change after the Virginia Tech school shootings, it didn’t change after the shooting at the Gabrielle Giffords event, it hasn’t changed despite all the mass murders that take place in the US every year — and sad to say, it’s not going to change now.

Here is a true thing: it’s too goddamn easy to buy firearms in the U.S. Don’t give me that shit about ‘guns don’t kill people, people kill people.’ If you actually think that’s true, then you’re just as fucking stupid as Louis Gohmert. Guns make it easier to kill people, and to kill people in larger numbers. You tell me that this guy in Colorado could have have killed as many people if he’d used a bomb? Fine, I’m all for making it more difficult to make bombs too. But it takes some skill and patience to build a bomb, whereas any nitwit can walk into a gun show and buy as many guns as his credit card will allow. You tell me that Second Amendment guarantees the right to keep and bear arms? I’m with you there, but brother that was written in the last half of the 18th century when a good marksman might have been able to fire four rounds per minute in a fucking musket. I’d be willing to allow you to own all the muskets you want. I guarantee you if the Aurora gunman had been armed with a musket, Colorado families wouldn’t be burying a dozen kids this week.

Here’s one of the problems we face. Right now liberals are saying “This isn’t a time for politics; we should be thinking about the families” and conservatives are saying “This is a tragedy, but you can’t punish honest law-abiding gun owners because of the actions of one crazy person.” And I’ll say “This IS a time for politics, because that’s the only way we can reduce the incidence of these sorts of mass murders.” And I’ll say “Placing reasonable limits on the types of firearms a person can own and the size of the magazines for those firearms isn’t punishing anybody but people who intend to shoot a whole lot of people in a short amount of time.”

What happened in Aurora is a community tragedy. The national tragedy is that the firearm debate in the US is controlled by the stupidest fucking people on the planet.

NOTE: I have to confess to an error. I suggested nothing had changed as a result of the shooting at the Gabrielle Giffords political event. I was wrong. Four months after the shootings, the State of Arizona passed legislation making the Colt single-action army revolver the State’s official sidearm.