i know what you’re thinking

Posted on September 21, 2015 by greg

It’s Monday and I have work to do. A lot of work. SO much work. I do NOT have time to noodle around on Teh Intertubes, avoiding all the very important work that needs doing. Seriously, I have an excess of work to do. If work to do was testosterone, I’d be Chuck Norris. I have work to do like Trump has hair — it’s an imposing, structurally improbable amount of work. The amount of work I have to do would intimidate a border collie.

It’s a lot of work, is what I’m saying. And I’d actually be doing all that work (I’m confident about this) except I somehow found myself (and I suspect I have a good reason for doing this) scanning some conservative websites (probably I was doing research, I bet) and I discovered that a LOT of conservatives are terribly upset about gay Doritos.

Oh my sweet Jeebus on a waffle, gay Doritos, you guys! I had no idea gay Doritos even existed. I was gobsmacked. Who knew the constellation of snack foods extends to sexual preference? Gay Doritos! Okay, officially they’re called Rainbow Doritos, but c’mon people — ain’t nobody in Western society that thinks these chips are in any way representative of colorful meteorological phenomena. Nope, dude, these are most definitely gay Doritos. And like anything that could possibly be even remotely gay, conservatives have spent a LOT of time thinking about these chips.

The chips come in several colors. The green are homosexual, the pink are lesbian, and the purple ones are transgendered Doritos.

Trans chips, you guys! According to The American Thinker (and no, I’m not making that up; that’s an actual conservative site — though I think they they’re confused about the definition of ‘America’ and ‘thinking’), the purple chips only look purple but “actually feel yellow and demand the right to commingle in the snack bags that have only yellow ones.” In other words, the purple chips want to use the same bathrooms as yellow chips.

Conservatives are really pissed off about this, on account of Doritos are an important element of the nutritious American conservative sports-related diet. How is any decent, god-fearing American heterosexual man supposed to enjoy watching two teams of sweaty men dressed in tight, bun-hugging uniforms grapple with each other if gay sex is forced down their throats in the form of their favorite snack food?

Also, think of the children!

Doritos are a product marketed to children, so they make the perfect gateway snack to introduce children to the joys of homosexuality.

Gay Doritos are a gateway snack, you guys! How could this happen in America? Blame noted Christian-hater and pervert-activist Dan Savage and his It Gets Better project. Real conservatives hate Savage, who has “called on Ben Carson and Mike Huckabee to do a certain love act on him” (okay, he said Carson and Huckabee should “suck my dick” but I’m not entirely convinced the invitation was sincere). Most of the world understands the It Gets Better project is attempting to prevent LGBT kids from killing themselves, but a lot of conservatives think the movement is probably secretly recruiting decent young hetero kids to get gay. Why else would they be flooding the snack food aisle of your local market with gay Doritos?

Well, okay, maybe they not actually flooding the snack food aisles. And okay, maybe gay Doritos aren’t even in your local market at all. And yeah, okay, maybe they’re not in any store. Okay, maybe the only way to buy gay Doritos is to deliberately point your browser to a specific website and order them. And okay, maybe you have to make a donation of at least US$10 in order to get them. But dammit, gay Doritos exist in the real world and conservatives intend to do something about it.

In fact, they intend to do two things about it. First, boycott!

“I think we need to boycott Pepsi and all related Frito-Lay products to deliver a message to Pepsi that if they are going to push gay propaganda on our kids, we are not going to give their products lip service any longer”

Lip service. I declare, sometimes I think these guys must be trolling us. They can’t be that fucking stupid — except, you know, they repeatedly demonstrate they’re that fucking stupid. The second thing they’re doing (and I swear, I am NOT making this up):

[W]e should push other companies to launch pro-heterosexual campaigns. Perhaps we could persuade a hot dog maker and a hot dog bun company to do a joint effort promoting man-woman relationships. Until we try sexualizing food like the left does, we’ll never know. And if we think like the left, we desperately need to find out.

That’s SO fucking stupid that I had to stop what I was doing and 1) bang my head against the desk and 2) check to make sure American Thinker is not a spoof site. You guys, it’s not a spoof site!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m going to give ten of my hard-earned dollars to It Gets Better and buy a bag of gay Doritos and have them delivered to Kim Davis at her office. You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves for thinking that. It would be silly to send gay Doritos to:

Kim Davis
Clerk of Court
600 West Main Street Room 102
Morehead, KY 40351

a stick-thing

Posted on July 21, 2015 by greg

So I’m taking my walk, working out plot issues, being all serious in my head, and I see this old Ford F150 pickup start to pull out of a driveway ahead of me. As I approach, an old guy in the driver’s seat rolls down his window. He’s got to be maybe 75-80 years old. I figure he’s lost or something, going to ask me directions.

So I slow down and take off my sunglasses. People are less nervous if they can see your eyes. You take off your sunglasses and you seem more trustworthy and honest. It’s stupid, but there it is. Anyway, I take off my sunglasses and the old guy leans out and says, “I’m going to give you a free pen.”

And he hands me an ink pen. Which I accept, because what else are you gonna do? Then he pulls out another pen and this stick-thing, with grooves on it and a sort of propeller on the end. He says, “I made one of these for my brother when he was trying to quit smoking. You rub the pen along the ridges and it makes it spin.” And he demonstrates. He rubs the pen vigorously along the ridges and sure enough, the propeller spins.

“Very cool,” I say. Because, again, what else are you gonna do? Also, because I’m starting to like this guy. He’s having so much fun making the propeller spin. He tells me “You have to rub it at on the angle, and if you rub the other angle, it spins the other way.” And again, he demonstrates. Sure enough, it spins the other way.

The stick-thing and the ink pen.

He hands me the stick and says, “You do it.” So I do. When the propeller starts to spin, I realize I’m making a mistake, so I fumble with it a bit. “Show me again,” I ask him.

And he laughs and does. First one angle, then the other. “You have to apply pressure,” he tells me. “Try it again.”

This time I make it work, which pleases him enormously. “You look like you could use two,” he says, and reaches for another stick-thing. He’s got maybe five or six in the other seat of the pickup. I tell him one is enough, on account of I’m taking a walk.

“What do you call it?” I ask him. He shrugs and says “It’s just a stick-thing I make.”

Then I ask if I can take his photo. “No no,” he says, “no no nonono, you don’t want my picture.” I tell him I really would like his photo. But he just shakes his head and laughs and rolls up the window. So I wave and he pulls out of the driveway and I continue my walk.

a new human rights abuse

Posted on April 5, 2014 by greg

Oh sweet Jeebus in a pickle barrel, have we not suffered enough at the hands of George W. Bush? Wasn’t it torment enough for us to live through the eight long, grim, disgraceful years of his presidency? Must we endure one more disappointing moment of this wretched, graceless, inadequate creature?

The best thing the former president ever did was leave office and disappear from public view. But now he’s back. He’s back and recklessly inflicting his painting on the blameless public. Just fuck me with a chainsaw and be done with it.

Bush portrait of Russian President Vladimir Putin. No, wait…that’s his dog Barney.

It wasn’t enough that W. Bush was the worst president in the history of the United States (which is quite an accomplishment; we’ve had some astonishingly bad presidents). It wasn’t enough that he authorized the pre-emptive invasion of a sovereign nation that was no threat to the U.S. It wasn’t enough that he authorized the illegal detention of more than 1200 people, many of whom were U.S. citizens, following the attacks of 9/11, or that he authorized the repeated torture of people suspected of having information about those attacks. It wasn’t enough that he authorized and signed into law the PATRIOT Act, which permitted indefinite detention of suspects and warrantless wire taps and expanded the power of the State to search through records that had previously required a court order.

No, clearly that wasn’t enough. Now the unprincipled sumbitch has foisted a fresh horror on the world. George W. Bush has become a fucking painter.

Bush portrait of Russian leader Vladimir Putin. No, wait…that’s the Dalai Lama.

Bush says he took up painting after reading an essay on Winston Churchill (another unprincipled sumbitch, but one who was at least intelligent and witty). The notion of the least curious human ever to occupy the Oval Office reading an essay on Winston Churchill is only slightly less preposterous than the notion of him painting. If he wanted to emulate Churchill, couldn’t Bush simply have started wearing a Homburg?

But no — the shameless bastard had to pick up a paint brush and perpetrate another outrage against humanity.

Bush portrait of Vladimir Putin. No, wait...that's former South Korean president Lee Myung-bak.

Bush portrait of President Vladimir Putin. No, wait…it’s former South Korean President Lee Myung-bak.

Bush, I’ll admit, is a better painter than he was a president — but that’s not saying much. His painting, in my opinion, is hopelessly amateurish and incompetent. That description also applies to his presidency.

Others disagree — at least in regard to his painting. Art critic Jerry Saltz was quite taken with Bush’s bathroom self-portraits. He said the work was:

‘simple’ and ‘awkward,’ but in wonderful, unself-conscious, intense ways. They show someone doing the best he can with almost no natural gifts — except the desire to do this. The reclusion and seclusiveness of the pictures evoke the quietude (though not the insight, quality, or genius) of certain Chardin still lifes. These are pictures of someone dissembling without knowing it, unprotected and on display, but split between the promptings of his own inner drives and limited by his abilities.

Yeah. Okay. Someone doing the best he can with almost no natural gifts — except the desire to do this. Yeah, that could also describe his presidency.

Bush portrait of Putin in the shower. No, wait...that's Bush his ownself.

Bush portrait of Putin in the shower. No, wait…that’s apparently Bush his ownself.

Painting is hard work, to be sure. It takes a great deal of practice and a certain amount of native talent to be good. Bush, to his credit, is doing the work and practicing (though it’s a shame he wasn’t as diligent at being president). He says it’s changed the way he views the world (again, a shame he didn’t start painting before he became president).

“I see colors differently. I am, I guess, tapping a part of the brain that, you know, certainly never used when I was a teenager.”

Tapping…isn’t that how they get syrup out of the tree? Anyway, insert your own brain joke here.

Bush portrait of…okay, I don’t know who the fuck this is supposed to be.

I’ll admit, if I had my way George W. Bush would be painting portraits behind bars. If he’d been the leader of any nation other than the United States, he’d have likely been tried for war crimes.

But that’ll never happen. So I suppose we should be grateful that it’s Bush who took up painting and not Dick Cheney. Who knows what sort of shit taco that fiend would serve up? Probably paintings of gory hunting scenes. Using the blood of slaughtered animals. Or puppies.

where all the white fish-holding womens?

Posted on January 15, 2014 by greg

Okay, yeah — there was another school shooting earlier this week, but nobody died (yet) so it’s not really news. And okay, yeah — there was that retired police officer who shot and killed a guy for texting his daughter during the previews at a Florida movie theater (well, that’s not entirely accurate; he got his gun out because of the texting, but he only killed the guy for throwing popcorn at him), but that’s Florida and what do you expect? And okay, yeah — Senate Republicans blocked 1.4 million jobless folks from getting aid, but that’s what Republican Senators do and what do you expect too? And okay, yeah — after spending what seems like a decade accusing President Obama and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton of failing to personally take up arms and repel the assault on the US compound in Benghazi (Benghazi!) Congress has decided to reduce funding for embassy security, construction and maintenance by $224 million, but jeebus on toast, did you expect anything else?

Yeah, okay — it’s been a big news week and it’s only Wednesday. But ain’t nobody talking about the really important news. You guys! Sarah Palin has a new teevee show! That’s right — she’s back on television

OMG OMG OMFG It’s Sarah!!!

Well, she’s not back on it right now. But according to the countdown clock (yes, there’s a countdown clock!) it’s only 2 months, 19 days, 6 hours and 39 minutes until Amazing America debuts! Starring Sarah Palin, you guys!

What will Sarah be doing (besides amazing America)? I’m glad you asked. She’ll be exploring and experiencing…

… the coolest and most original people, places, businesses, and gadgets that appeal to Red, Wild and Blue America.

Gadgets! There’s going to be gadgets! And original people! Actual original people (Sarah doesn’t like those icky cloned people, and who does because clones totally suck). The show is going to be on The Sporstman Channel, which you may not have ever in your entire life heard of, but which features such engaging quality programming as Addictive Fishing with Captain Blair Wiggins, MeatEater (the new season), Skull Bound, and Pigman: The Series.

If you do not watch her new show, Sarah Palin will Godfather your ass with an elk’s head.

According to the show’s producer, Governor Palin (that’s right — people don’t believe it, but Sarah was an actual real I’m-not-making-this-up no-shit real governor for half a term of the most socialist state in the Union) deserved a larger stage than “just hunting and fishing.”

“We wanted to have a little more fun than that. So we’re doing bull riding. We’ve got the NRA Museum. We have some fire rescue workers. It just runs the gamut of cool things in America.”

The gamut, you guys! Because what could be more fun and more cool than the NRA Museum and riding bulls while rescuing people from fires? Nothing! The audience will also be educated about Sarah’s philosophy and world view, in which she offers insights like this:

“I think this world would be better off having more young women holding a fish in a picture than holding their camera in front of a bathroom mirror, taking a selfie.”

So true! We’ve all noticed how rare it is these days for women to hold fish. It’s been years since I’ve seen a woman holding a fish. Why don’t women hold fish anymore? That’s what’s wrong with America (plus we have a negro president — and isn’t it curious that there are NO PHOTOS OF HIM HOLDING A FISH!!!).

Real governors don’t need no cell phones and bathroom mirrors

So set your alarm clocks, America. Thursday April 3rd at 8 o’clock in the evening on the Sportsman Channel. Watch it, or the terrorists will abort a white Christian baby. During a gay pride parade.

texas, i declare

Posted on August 27, 2013 by greg

Fucking Texas. You know, I really want to like Texas. I really do. I have friends who deliberately live there. I’ve been there my ownself on occasion and mostly enjoyed it. It’s one of the very few states in the U.S. that can be accurately described as iconic. You know — cowboys, longhorns, oil, the open range, all that stuff.

I really want to like Texas, but over the last couple of decades it’s become a sinkhole where politics and religion combine with deep imbecility to form an impenetrable block of stupid. The mass of the stupidity of Texas is so dense it could bend light.

You may remember back in April of this year when a fertilizer plant in West, Texas exploded, killing 15 people (several of whom were firefighters responding to a fire at the plant), injuring more than 300 others, destroying or severely damaging around 150 buildings, and causing US$135 million in damages.

We don’t know what started the initial fire at the fertilizer plant. The reason we don’t know is that the explosion caused by the stored ammonium nitrate was so powerful it destroyed any evidence of the fire. It was so powerful, in fact, that it was recorded by the U.S. Geological Survey as a 2.1-magnitude tremor.

The fertilizer plant was built in 1965. It was last inspected by OSHA in 1985. That’s right, it went uninspected by OSHA for nearly 30 years. Although it had a long record of burglaries and thefts (anhydrous ammonia is used in cooking meth), the plant had no security personnel. They had a permit to store 54,000 pounds of anhydrous ammonia. In fact, it was storing approximately 110,000 pounds, as well as 540,000 pounds of ammonium nitrate. Federal law requires any facility holding more than 400 pounds of ammonium nitrate and a combustible agent (like, say, anhydrous ammonia) to file a report with the Department of Homeland Security. The West, Texas fertilizer plant hadn’t bothered with that. Because, you know…freedom.

What’s left of the West, Texas fertilizer plant

So we’re talking about a facility that was essentially a giant bomb. Located next to an elementary school and an apartment complex for retired folks. And it was last inspected in 1985. Why? Because fucking Texas is pro-business. And pro-freedom.

That’s old news, of course. But yesterday, while all the major news agencies were focused on Miley Cyrus’ ass, the Texas Observer filed a news story: State Agencies Meet Resistance in Policing Fertilizer Industry. Here are a couple of sentences from the second paragraph:

The Fire Marshal’s Office has identified 153 facilities in the state that are believed to store ammonium nitrate. Since Texas doesn’t have a state fire code, the fire marshal lacks the authority to conduct inspections if the company resists.

Texas doesn’t have a state fire code. The entire fucking state…no fire code. Not only that, it’s actually illegal for 173 of Texas’ 254 counties to adopt a fire code. It seems only Texas counties with populations above 250,000 can legally adopt their own fire code. Those counties with more than a quarter of a million people aren’t required to have a fire code because, you know…freedom. But they can. If they want to. If they’re pussies.

Of the 153 facilities believed to be storing ammonium nitrate (they don’t even know for sure how many facilities are storing it), the Fire Marshal has been allowed to inspect only 62. Allowed. Because Texas is pro-business, and has no fire code, so the Fire Marshal has no authority to inspect any plant without an invitation. Five fertilizer plants completely refused an inspection. Because, you know…freedom again.

West, Texas fertilizer plant explosion

But hey, the Texas legislature is having a hearing on the matter. So that’s something, right? That’s a start. It’s a beginning. It’s a move toward insuring public safety. So there’s that. Right?

Nope.

Much of the hearing was dominated by Republican lawmakers worried about burdening fertilizer businesses with new requirements. Rep. Dan Flynn, R-Canton, said while he respected the victims of the West tragedy, the industry has been doing a “pretty good job of policing themselves” and voluntarily submitting reports. “If we’re not careful we could get like the federal government and try to put diapers on cows,” he said.

Diapers on cows. If the Great State of Texas tried to limit the ability of fertilizer plants to store tons of massively explosive chemicals, it would be a burden on business. And Texas is pro-business. Seriously, if you allow the government to put restrictions on which plants can store explosive, you might just as well put diapers on cows — because that’s what would come next. (Dan Flynn, by the way, is the Texas legislator who tried to reduce the number of training hours required to get a concealed weapon permit from ten to four, because, you know…freedom.)

Texas Republican Dan ‘Diapers on Cows’ Flynn

Unfortunately, the Texas legislature won’t be able to reach any real decision on how to deal with fertilizer plant safety during this legislative session. But they’ll address the issue again in the next regular session. Which is scheduled for January, 2015. (Governor Rick Perry may call for yet another special session, but only to deal with imposing even stricter legal restrictions on the few remaining women’s health centers that provide abortion services, because, you know…~~freedom~~ Texas is pro-life.)

Siren

Posted on February 4, 2013 by greg

So. My fingernails. They’re red. Bright red. Incredibly fucking red. I have incredibly fucking red fingernails. I’m typing this with fingers that have incredibly fucking red nails. It’s really distracting.

Last night, during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, while it looked like San Francisco might actually make a comeback, I had my fingernails painted incredibly fucking red. The actual shade of red, according to the label on the bottle, is Siren. No, I’m not making that up. Siren. Also on the label is a warning:

Avoid Heat and Flame

For all I know, Heat and Flame may be other shades of red. And if they’re redder than Siren, you can bet your ass I’ll avoid them. But I assume the manufacturers of Siren are actually warning me NOT to put the bottle of fingernail polish in a fire. I hadn’t even considered putting the bottle in a fire — not until they told me NOT to. Now it seems like it might be an interesting experiment.

why yes, my fingernails ARE incredibly fucking red

You may be wondering why I had my fingernails Sirenized. I got to confess, there were moments when I wonder that my ownself. I did it for an Iron Photographer photo. I have discussed the IP process before. I can’t even begin to tell you about the phenomenally stupid shit I’ve done for Iron Photographer photographs. I need to point out that Iron Photographer is about creating artful photographs, not about doing stupid shit. But it’s surprising how often the process involves some degree of stupid shit.

This time it involved Siren. And a shovel. Seriously, it always makes sense while you’re putting the photo together. It’s only when you look at it afterwards that you begin to ask yourself “What the HELL was I thinking?”

Now I have to figure out how to remove this incredibly fucking red nail polish before I can leave the house. Or answer the door (I have an order of Thin Mints scheduled to be delivered and I do NOT want to have Siren-red nails when I’m handing over some cash to the poor innocent Girl Scout. Or her mother).

a quick response…

Posted on January 21, 2013 by greg

…to the guy (I assume it’s a guy) who sent me an email me saying

[T]here’s nothing paranoid about standing up against tyranny. obama is paranoid about an armed citizenry and wants us disarmed.

Dude, look up ‘tyranny’ in the dictionary. The fact that you can, without fear of reprisal, publicly call the President of the United States a tyrant is confirmation that you’re NOT living under tyranny. The fact that on Gun Appreciation Day groups of people all over the United States were able to peaceably assemble in public and openly denounce the elected leader of the nation in the most objectionable terms is a testament to the fact that you’re not living under tyranny.

The fact that THIS guy is still free to walk the streets and continue to post videos and own firearms (even if he’s not legally allowed to carry them concealed at the moment) is verification that you’re not living under tyranny.

And another thing — the fact that you think you’re living under tyranny is evidence that you’re paranoid.

finger demons

Posted on January 18, 2013 by greg

“There is evil prowling in the world…”

Evil, you guys! Evil, right out there in the world, just a-prowling along, according to Rick Perry, the Republican Governor of Texas. You can be assured, Gov. Perry knows evil when he sees it, and he knows where it comes from: it comes from demons.

“Guns require a finger to pull the trigger. The sad young man who did that in Newtown was clearly haunted by demons.”

Demons, you guys! Demons in that kid’s trigger finger! Can you eradicate demons with laws? Why no, you cannot. But so long as demons inhabit the trigger fingers of weak and wicked people who have access to innocent firearms, something must be done. We cannot stand idly by and allow these horrific finger-related tragedies to continue. Gov. Rick Perry, Texas Republican, knows how to fight demons:

“Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children.”

I know. I know you were expecting Gov. Rick Perry of Texas to take a more active stance against demonic-possessed trigger fingers. You were maybe expecting him to advocate amputation of the offending digit. So was I — I totally thought R. Perry, the elected Republican Governor of Texas, was going to be all “Off with their fingers!” But no. Texas Gov. Perry is taking a more modest, non-confrontational approach. We can pray the demons right out of those fingers. You know…to protect the children.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and his demon-free Republican finger protecting children

In related news, tomorrow is the First Annual Gun Appreciation Day. Oh, we’re happy to show how much we care about the victims of finger-demon violence, but Americans have been reluctant to demonstrate just how much we esteem and cherish guns. That ends tomorrow, you guys.

Some of you may feel it’s inappropriate to hold Gun Appreciation Day 48 hours before Martin Luther King Day. But Larry Ward, the singular genius behind Gun Appreciation Day, is convinced Dr. King would be totally honored by having his birthday associated with Gun Appreciation Day. In an interview on CNN, Ward (and I don’t know his political affiliation, but I’m willing to guess he’s a Republican — though he may not be from Texas) said this:

“I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”

You guys, if he hadn’t been shot down in cold blood is there any doubt that Martin Luther King would agree that had slave-owners issued firearms to their slaves, then maybe slavery wouldn’t exist and lawdy I think I got stupider just writing that.

Larry Ward is one of the most passionate, if inarticulate, spokesmen for responsible gun ownership. In the following interview with a citizen-journalist, Ward argues:

“[W]e can’t stop them from grabbing a weapon and walking into a school or a private place or a post office or a mall.”

By ‘them’ Ward means felons and the mentally ill (and presumably people possessed by finger demons, though he failed to address that particular issue). And because we can’t stop them, there’s no point in passing legislation that might stop them. Obviously. Here’s the interview:

He’s pretty charismatic, that Larry Ward, isn’t he. You’re probably thinking tomorrow’s Gun Appreciation Day will be massively popular with everybody. But no! You guys, there are people out there who apparently don’t appreciate guns. Seriously, I’m not making that up. In fact, a group called United for Change USA has offered a petition to prevent Gun Appreciation Day from taking place. In their petition, they say:

This is an outrage and a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom!

Clearly, the best way to respond to a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom is to prevent people you disagree with from expressing their point of view.

I may attend the local Gun Appreciation Day event tomorrow. Not because I appreciate guns all that much, but because I appreciate free speech a lot. But first I’ll need to wrap my fingers in tin-foil dipped in holy water. I don’t want any pesky finger demons to disrupt my appreciation of guns.

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