rain on your wedding day

Conservatives have killed irony. Killed it, hacked its body into dozens of pieces, and buried them in a shallow grave in the Meadowlands. Then they dug up the body parts and set fire to them. Then scattered the ashes. In a toxic waste disposal site. And covered them with salt. Non-iodized salt.

And that was before Senator John Thune (Republican from Whogivesafuck), the chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation decided it was critically important to find out if Facebook was being mean to conservatives. I swear I am not making this up.

Thune

On Monday, Gizmodo published an article indicating that Facebook “routinely suppressed news stories of interest to conservative readers from the social network’s influential ‘trending’ news section.” The source of that article, who is described as ‘politically conservative’, requested anonymity, “citing fear of retribution from the company.”  He told Gizmodo:

“I’d come on shift and I’d discover that CPAC or Mitt Romney or Glenn Beck or popular conservative topics wouldn’t be trending because either the curator didn’t recognize the news topic or it was like they had a bias against Ted Cruz.”

It was like they had a bias, you guys! Against Ted Cruz! C’est incroyable! And c’mon, everybody knows that Mitt Romney and Glenn Beck are super popular, and we all want to know what they have to say about…you know, stuff. But no, Facebook users were denied that information because Mark Zuckerberg hates Republicans.

Senator Thune was so outraged by this that he took time away from his busy schedule of not holding hearings on a Supreme Court nominee and not considering President Obama’s request for funding for research on that silly Zika virus to write a stern letter to Facebook. He demanded information on whether or not the Trending Topics news curators are “targeting news stories related to conservative views for exclusion.”

Thune also held a news conference, in which he stated:

“If there’s any level of subjectivity associated with it, or if, as reports have suggested that there might have been, an attempt to suppress conservative stories or keep them from trending and get other stories out there, I think it’s important for people to know that. That’s just a matter of transparency and honesty, and there shouldn’t be any attempt to mislead the American public.”

Transparency, you guys. And honesty. With these allegations in mind, I looked just now (seriously, just now, at 10:06 in the morning, local time) at Facebook’s Trending Topics.

Calvin Klein: Company’s Ad Featuring Upskirt Picture of Model Criticized.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Article on Actress’s Lifestye Website, Goop, Recommends $15,000 Sex Toy.

Hyperloop One: Company Successfully Tests Propulsion System in Nevada Desert.

Well. There you have it. No mention of any upskirt photos of Glenn Beck. Nothing at all about Mitt Romney’s sex toys. And as we all know, this hyperloop business is a liberal conspiracy against the petroleum industry. Or wait — maybe it’s a sex toy? Doesn’t matter, because It’s clearly biased, you guys!

Thune, who frequently appears on Fox News shows (which are totally fair and balanced, not to mention completely transparent and honest), also said this:

“Facebook must answer these serious allegations and hold those responsible to account if there has been political bias in the dissemination of trending news.”

L’ironie, elle est morte! Cue Alanis Morissette.

trump, the slayer

This may be the year when we finally come face to face with ourselves; finally just lay back and say it — that we are really just a nation of 220 million used car salesmen with all the money we need to buy guns, and no qualms at all about killing anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. — Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail

Well, okay — that’s it then.

Now the Republican party can drop all pretense of being serious about governance. Or diplomacy. Or hell, pick something. The GOP just isn’t a serious political party. They’ve become a frat house for assholes.

They’re pretty ecumenical when it comes to assholes, I’ll give them that. Assholes of all stripes are welcome. Religious assholes (“I’m not perfect, I’m just forgiven!”), economic assholes (“Tax breaks for the rich, fuck the poor!”), militaristic assholes (“Carpet bomb mosques, build more Hobby Lobbys!”), racist assholes (“Hey, somebody has to mow the lawns!”), stupid assholes (“Why can’t we make the Second Amendment the First Amendment?”), sexist assholes (“That was a compliment! What’re you, a lesbian?”), and free range raging assholes of all sorts. If you’re an asshole, Trump wants your vote.

Like I should care what sort of asshole you are? Just vote already.

Like I should care what sort of asshole you are? Just vote already.

Of course they picked Trump. He’s the distillation of the Republican party. There’s nothing surprising about it. Nothing strange about it. It’s not weird; it’s wyrd.

Okay, today’s etymology lesson. The modern term weird is derived from the Anglo-Saxon wyrd, which means something like destiny or fate — but more complex. Wyrd doesn’t refer to something preordained, something that is meant happen. It’s more a constantly evolving and shifting nexus of individual choices and decisions melded with the necessities of the universe. The wyrd brings various elements together, then riffs on whatever crazy-ass stuff happens next. It’s a sort of Viking jazz improv version of fate or destiny.

It’s like this: fate didn’t bring Buffy Summers to Sunnydale, home of the Hellmouth. It was the wyrd. There was a pool of potential Vampire Slayers out there in the world, and the universe needed a Vampire Slayer parked at the Hellmouth. The universe didn’t care who the Vampire Slayer was, or what supernatural lottery ticket had to be cashed in to become the Slayer. The universe didn’t care what actions and decisions (like, say, burning down a high school in Los Angeles) would bring the Slayer to Sunnydale. A Slayer was needed in Sunnydale; the wyrd got one there. It happened to be Buffy.

Wait, what? They're nominating who?

Wait, what? They’re nominating who?

Donald Trump wasn’t preordained to destroy the Republican party, and the Republican party wasn’t preordained to be destroyed. But the wyrd is at work. In a couple of months the GOP national convention will meet in Cleveland (city of light, city of magic — as Randy Newman says) and not even the wyrd knows what will happen. Maybe Trump will be given the nomination, maybe establishment Republicans will somehow nominate some other poor bastard, maybe the sun will turn black and Trump will transform into a giant snake who will be killed with a mystical knife wielded by Elizabeth Warren. Who knows?

Regardless, it looks like the GOP — the frat house of assholes — is about to die. Not even the wyrd can say what will happen. But we know where and we know when, and I know I’ll be watching. Because, to paraphrase Hunter Thompson, when the going gets weird, the wyrd turns pro.

Burn on, big river, burn on.

 

bernie deserves better

I have SO MANY friends — fellow Bernie supporters — telling me the New York primary was stolen. No, wait — STOLEN!!!. There, that’s it. The primary was STOLEN!!! because it was a closed primary, and registered Independents couldn’t vote in it, and nobody told them they had to switch their registration six months before the primary, and it’s Hillary’s fault because she’s the Establishment Candidate ™, and the New York Democratic Party set the rules to help Establishment Candidate ™, and it’s just not fair to Bernie, and so democracy is dead!

New York primary

New York primary

I declare, I’m increasingly embarrassed by my fellow Bernie supporters. They’re right that the New York Democratic primary rules are fucked up and need to be changed, but in order to change them — well, it requires a bit of work. First, you have to be a Democrat. This is pretty basic. Registered Independents or Republicans don’t have much say in how Democrats set up their primaries or caucuses. Second, after you register as a Democrat, you have to attend a lot of meetings and listen to a lot of arguments. That takes time and a certain amount of commitment.

It’s important for Bernie supporters to understand the current rules for the NY primary were established about a century ago, when things moved more slowly and there were more political parties and ‘party-crashing’ was more common and sometimes included actual violence. The rules weren’t implemented just to obstruct Bernie.

Just as important, Bernie supporters need to understand that Bernie has benefited from closed events. Most of Bernie’s victories have been in caucus states, and caucuses are always closed. Always. Registered Democrats only, thank you very much. Registered Independents and Republicans, sorry guys — you’re just not welcome. Colorado, Kansas, Wyoming, Nebraska, Washington, Maine, Alaska, Hawaii — all Bernie victories, and all closed caucuses.

And hey,let’s face it, caucuses are the least democratic way to select a candidate. Primaries are much more fair and representative. Caucuses actually discourage voters, because they’re so time-consuming. You’re a nurse working second shift at the hospital? Sorry, caucuses are generally held in the evening, so you don’t get to vote. You have a couple of young kids and can’t afford a baby-sitter? Sorry, unless you want to deal with young kids who are forced to sit in a crowded room for two to three hours with no distraction, you don’t get to vote.

It’s disingenuous for Bernie supporters to complain about New York’s closed primary when so much of his momentum has come from closed events. It sounds like whining. It IS whining.

bernie yet again

While we’re at it, let’s look at those open primaries — the ones where Independents (and lawdy, even Republicans) could vote. The fact is, Hillary has won more of those primaries than Bernie. Yes, most of them were in the South — and a lot of Bernie supporters dismiss them for that reason. As if Southern Democrats aren’t real Democrats. As if winning in a poor, under-educated, racially diverse state is somehow not as worthy as winning in a more economically sound, whiter, better educated state. As if Hillary’s victory in, say, conservative Mississippi is less valid than Bernie’s victory in conservative Kansas.

And that’s why — as a Bernie supporter, as somebody who caucused for Bernie in the first (closed) caucus, where Bernie got his first victory —  I’m writing this. I support Bernie, but I’m just not willing to be hypocritical about it. I won’t complain about closed primary losses while I celebrate closed caucus victories. I won’t whine about registered Independents being unable to influence the choices of a political party they haven’t joined. I won’t attribute Bernie’s losses to conspiracies, and I won’t make excuses for why Bernie isn’t winning.

Here’s the thing: Bernie may not be winning the 2016 nomination, but he might be winning the future of the Democratic party. And that’s just as important — in fact, probably more important — in the long-term.

I say Bernie ‘might’ be winning the future, because my impression is that a lot of his supporters — the ones who are concocting conspiracy theories to explain why he’s not doing better — will abandon politics if Bernie doesn’t get the nomination. And if that happens, then the rules for primaries will stay fucked up for the foreseeable future. Worse, any hope we have to radically change the way politics are handled in the U.S. will fade.

Bernie’s campaign was never about Bernie. It’s always been about change. Change for the better. And there won’t be any change for the better in the future if we lie to ourselves about the present.

 

got to — this america, man

There are two kinds of people. You know this. There are people who’ve seen The Wire and there are those poor, innocent, unfortunate motherfuckers who haven’t. Sometimes it’s impossible to communicate with those folks.

So this morning I get this text from a friend of mine. She’s been living in NYC for some time. Late nineties, something like that. And she’s unhappy and discouraged on account of Bernie got thumped in the New York primary. But she sort of expected that. Doesn’t like it, but she’s not really surprised that Hillary won. She texted me this:

hillarys always had the dem machine behind her

And I replied:

You come at the Queen, you best not miss.

But she didn’t get the reference. Now, I’m not saying Hillary is Omar Little. What I’m saying is she’s been around the block more than a few times and no matter how many times she’s been wounded, she just keeps on coming back. The woman is tough. I’m a Bernie man, but I’m thinking he’s come at Hillary with too little, too late. I’m about half expecting to see Hillary wearing a t-shirt that says The Cheese Stands Alone.

But here’s what’s weird — what really has my friend distressed is Trump. Trump’s success has her surprised. It makes no sense to her. She knows Trump is a dick and completely unqualified, but she just doesn’t understand how Republicans keep voting for him. She sent this text block:

hes not even a republican

not politically.

why do they even let him run

the republicans i mean

And I texted back:

Got to — this America, man

Again, she didn’t get the reference. Let’s face it, texting isn’t what you’d call a nuanced communication medium, even for folks who’re familiar with The Wire. I could have texted:

Trump is Snot Boogie before he got himself shot.

But if she didn’t get the other references, she’d never get that one. The thing is, Snot Boogie wasn’t always Snot Boogie, just like Trump wasn’t always Trump. At some point in his life Omar Isaiah Betts (a totally different Omar, by the way; must have been a popular name in Baltimore) got tagged with the name Snot and so he became Snot. Donald Trump was just another spoiled, arrogant, privileged, stupid-ass rich kid, but at some point in his life he sloughed off his first name and he became Trump. Not a person, a brand.

Snot Boogie shot craps; Trump shot real estate. Two different games. When Snot got greedy and took the money, he’d get chased down and beat up. But “ain’t nobody go past that.” Until they did. Trump, when he’d get chased down, he’d file for bankruptcy. Snot gets his ass kicked; Trump gets to start over.

But here’s the thing. Politics ain’t real estate. The rules are different. More like craps. You got the money, you get to play. The more money you got, the longer you can stay in the game. Trump, he’s still playing real estate craps. He still thinks if he loses, he’ll get to start over. Stupid motherfucker. Most players who run for president, when they lose they end up like Snot Boogie. Dead. Metaphorically and politically dead, most of them. Remember Jon Huntsman? No, I didn’t think so. He was the Governor of Utah, ran for president just four years ago; now he’s Snot Boogied. What about John Edwards? Former senator, did pretty well in the 2008 campaign. Now he’s dead at Mistah Kurtz. Fred Thompson? He was running second in the GOP in 2008. He was dead as bricks, even before he literally died. A few candidates survive, wounded, but hardly any ever come back from losing.

And that brings us back to Snot. What happened to him was inevitable. What’ll happen to Trump — that’s pretty much inevitable too. He’ll probably get the nomination, Trump. If he does, he’ll meet the same metaphorical fate as poor Snot Boogie. After the general election, he’ll be face down on the street. And if he doesn’t get the nomination? He’ll end up face down on the convention floor.

My friend, she doesn’t understand how the Republican Party could let Trump get in the game. He got in the same way Snot got in. You got the coin, you get a chance to roll the dice. What happens after that, who the hell knows. But they got to let you play.

You know this if you’ve seen The Wire. This America, man.

 

us

I understand the passion of the ‘Bernie Or Bust’ crowd. They’re like folks who’ve recently given up smoking or eating meat. They realize this New Way is better than the Old Way. Seriously better — and better for everybody, not just themselves.The New Way is clearly better and they want everybody to know it and embrace it.

Stop wrecking your lungs and the lungs of everybody around you. Stop eating meat and end the unsustainable and cruel practices of industrial meat production. Stop electing politicians who represent the interests of billionaires and corporations instead of the interests of the public. Just stop doing that shit.

BERNIE OR BUST

But here’s the thing the Bernie Or Bust folks need to understand. Bernie can’t break up the big banks. He can’t make college education free. He can’t end income inequality, or reform campaign finance, or extinguish racism. Assuming he’s elected President of These United States (a consummation devoutly to be wished), Bernie can’t do any of that. He’d like to, but he just can’t. Not unless there’s a radical change in Congress — and friends, even if the Republican party continues to shit the bed and Democrats pick up an unexpected number of Congressional seats, it won’t be a radical enough change to allow President Sanders to do what he’d like to do.

Hell, Democrats were in the majority in the Senate when President Obama was elected, and Congress prevented him from closing the prisons in Guantanamo. You think they’re going to let Bernie break up the big banks? No fucking way.

bernie or bust again

So what can Bernie do if/when he’s elected president? He can make a start. Hell, even if he loses the nomination, he’s already made a start by mobilizing so many people. But it’ll be up to us — to the folks who believe in what Bernie believes — to do the grunt work of changing government. And we change government by voting. Not just in presidential primaries and caucuses, and not just in presidential election years, but voting in every goddamn election in every goddamn year. Vote in local elections, vote in state-wide elections, vote in off-year congressional elections, vote and work hard to get good people elected at every level of government.

You ‘Bernie or Bust’ folks tell me you support Bernie Sanders. Great. Then you need to actually support him. and what he believes. Here’s a True Thing: If you seriously make this claim:

bernie or Bust3

then you can’t truly believe in this:

bernie not me us.

Not me — us. It’s not about Bernie as an individual. It’s about what Bernie believes. If you truly want to see Bernie’s vision of These United States come to fruition, then model yourself after Bernie. That man has been busting his ass for half a century to make this country fair and just for ordinary people.

You really want to support Bernie? Then think about what Bernie would actually want you to do. Work hard to get him the nomination. If we fail, then work hard to get Hillary elected. If we fail at that, then keep working and work harder. Work hard to elect people in your hometown, in your county, in your state.

It’s not about Bernie; it’s about us. If you think it’s just about Bernie, then you haven’t been paying attention. If you think it’s just about electing Bernie as a leader, then you haven’t been listening. He’s not just asking for us to follow him; he’s also asking us to shoulder our share of the burden. He’s making promises, but he’s expecting us to help him fulfill them.

Not me — us.

specifics aside

So I’m eating lunch, right? Well, breakfast — I mean, it’s my first meal of the day so I guess it’s officially breakfast even though it’s almost noon. Whatever you call it, I’m eating and reading the news and opinion pieces — and there’s a piece by Mark Halperin on last night’s Republican debate.

I should point out that Mark Halperin isn’t a total fucking idiot — but he comes close enough so often that the difference between him and a total fucking idiot can be measured in angstroms. He was assigning letter grades to the…an angstrom? Sure, an angstrom is a unit of length that’s equal to 10−10 meters. That’s one ten-billionth of a meter. We’re talking tiny. Even tinier than that. A hydrogen atom is about half an angstrom.

Mark Halperin, not a total fucking idiot.

Mark Halperin, not a total fucking idiot.

So Mark Halperin is assigning letter grades to the Republican candidates for the quality of their debates last night, and he gives Trump an A. Seriously, he gave Trump an A. And he says this:

“Critics will howl, but, specifics aside, he sounded sufficiently reasonable and generally informed to win the nomination.”

See? Not a total fucking idiot. A total fucking idiot wouldn’t know that critics would howl. Everything else in that sense is pure distilled total fucking idiocy. Specifics aside, Halperin says. Specifics aside, Trump sounded reasonable and informed. .

Specifics aside, a mouse and an elephant are both mammals. Specifics aside, roadkill and quiche are edible. Specifics aside, turning water into wine is a good idea. Specifics aside, the only difference between the rats that brought the Black Death to Europe and lab rats is the quality of their fleas. Specifics aside, mass transit submarines would be a cool way to commute between Baltimore and Malaga, Spain.

What the actual fuck, Mark Halperin? Specifics aside, my ass. The fact that Trump was able to keep from yowling like a goddamn monkey — that he was able to refrain from talking about his dick and insulting the other people on the stage — that does NOT make him sound reasonable and informed. It just means he was unreasonable and ill-informed in a more muted voice. And for that, he gets an A.

A tuna noodle casserole.

A tuna noodle casserole.

Jeebus Airbus, these fucking people, I declare.. Specifics aside, the difference between Mark Halperin and a tuna noodle casserole is that I respect a tuna noodle casserole.

applause for the chain reaction

I watched the early part of last night’s debate between the Republican candidates vying for the presidential nomination. I watched and applauded.

Why did I applaud? I’ll tell you.

In 1913 a German chemist named Max Bodenstein had an epiphany. He was doing some research on the mechanisms of the chemical reaction between hydrogen and chlorine, and he…okay, wait.

You probably read the mechanisms of the chemical reaction between hydrogen and chlorine and immediately began thinking “Dude, I thought this was about the debate; maybe I should see if there are any new videos of koala bears playing bocce ball on Buzzfeed.” A little patience, please. There’s an actual point to this. I’m not just tossing German chemists around willy nilly. Honest.

Max Bodenstein

Max Bodenstein

Right, so Max Bodenstein was noodling around with some hydrogen and chlorine molecules and he noticed something interesting. That shit exploded. Now, you don’t have to be a German chemist to know that explosions are cool, but Max wanted to understand why that shit exploded. What he discovered was that — and okay, this is going to get a wee bit sciencey here — the reaction of the parent hydrogen and chlorine molecules created some new unstable molecules. Those unstable molecules interacted with the parent molecules in ways that were a LOT more energetic than the original reaction — and that created MORE unstable molecules, which reacted again with the parent molecules and dot dot dot hey, bingo, that shit explodes.

Max Bodenstein was the first guy to describe a chain reaction. Any time you hear the phrase chain reaction, you have Max to thank for it.

Why am I talking about obscure German chemists? Because what we’re seeing in the current campaign for the Republican party’s presidential nomination is the explosion that comes at the end of a slow series of chain reactions that began in the 1980s. And that chain reaction began in 1978 when an obscure Georgia politician named Newt Gingrich read James Clavell’s potboiler Shōgun.

shogun

Okay, now you’re saying to yourself “Dude…the fuck? First German chemists and now this? What?” I know this sounds like I’m going off on another tangent. Again, patience.

The novel is grounded in the rise to power of a crafty, patient, manipulative leader of a Japanese samurai faction. Newt Gingrich modeled himself after the character, and it changed his approach to politics. To that point, modern US politics was primarily about policy differences. Gingrich made the usual claims that his opponent’s policies were ineffective and possibly harmful, but he also began to accuse his opponents of actively and intentionally trying to destroy everything that is and was good about the nation. His opponents weren’t merely wrong in their policy positions, they were traitorous. He began to depict Democrats as an actual threat that needed to be stopped in order to save the nation. There was no more ‘loyal opposition.’ There were only enemies to be defeated.

And hey, it worked. Republicans began to get elected in greater numbers. It’s worked for about 35 years now. They stopped proposing serious policies and relied on talking points and accusations. They stopped practicing governance, and focused instead on expanding and maintaining their power. They turned Republican politics into mummery.

Mummers

Mummers

The problem, though, was that the Republicans were confident they could control the toxic chain reaction of their politics. And at first, it seemed like they could But each successive election created more unstable molecules, which interacted with the existing unstable molecules, creating still more unstable molecules and dot dot dot hey, bingo, that shit explodes.

We’re talking about a sudden, violent increase in pressure generating large amounts of heat and destructive shock waves that travel outward from the point of explosion and produce a loud bang. Like this:

A chemical explosion -- thanks, Max Bodenstein.

Trump!

The Republican party is exploding in fairly slow motion right in front of us. It’s kind of sad, really. Inevitable and necessary, but still sad because they mixed the hydrogen and chlorine together without any thought that it would explode in their faces.

Sad, but also sort of funny and completely appropriate. Why? Because etymology! The term explode comes from the Latin explodere — the prefix ex– meaning ‘out’ and plaudere meaning ‘to clap one’s hands’ (the same Latin root gives us the term applaud). That’s right, folks — originally explode meant to make a loud noise to drive demons away or actors off the stage.

This is why I applauded last night’s Republican debate. The sooner these fuckwits get off the stage, the better.

a principled stand for bernie

I’m a Bernie supporter. Have been for a while. I’ve always thought Bernie was a long shot at winning the Democratic nomination, but I’m okay with that. I like long shots. I stood up for Bernie at the Iowa caucus, even though I figured he’d lose. I stood up for him as a matter of principle. I admit, I was surprised when he won.

Bernie took a powerful thumping in South Carolina recently. He’s probably going to take another thumping tonight. But I’m not giving up. If he can win two or three states tonight and do well on March 15th, then I still think there’s a fairly good chance Bernie can take the nomination.

I’m a Bernie supporter, but I have to confess that I’m starting to be sort of embarrassed by it. Not because of anything Bernie has done. I’m embarrassed by some of the other Bernie supporters — the ones who’ve gone from giddy enthusiasm over his early success to anxiety that he might not succeed in his campaign, and then continued down the road to conspiracy theories. I’m embarrassed by the ones who’ve effectively given up on Bernie and are trying to find ‘the real reasons’ for what they assume will be his defeat. The ones who’ve become bitter and hateful. The ones who claim there is no real difference between Hillary Clinton and Trump/Cruz/Rubio. The ones who’ve decided they won’t vote if Bernie isn’t the nominee — or will write in Bernie’s name.

bernie again

Here’s a true thing: if you refuse to cast a ballot in the general election this November, you’ve still effectively voted. If you write in a name other than the nominee as a protest, you’ve effectively voted for the candidate of the other party. Here’s another true thing: if you don’t vote, you suck.

You can say your decision NOT to vote — or to write in Bernie’s name — is a matter of principle, and I’ll totally understand that. I’m completely in favor of standing up for your principles — when the only person to suffer for your principles is you. I’m less sanguine when other people have to suffer. I have refused to accept paying gigs when I felt it would require me to violate my principles — even when it meant literally living on rice and beans for a period of time. The only person that hurt was me. But I’m not sure I’d have done that if I’d had a family to support. Nobody else should have to suffer for my principles.

I supported Bernie in Iowa based on my principles and what I believe are Bernie’s principles. If he doesn’t win the nomination (and I’m not even close to accepting that), then I’ll do what I expect Bernie will want me to do — I’ll work hard to defeat the Republican candidate. If Hillary Clinton is the nominee, then I’ll work for her. Any supporter of Bernie Sanders who’d refuse to do that — well, I’d wonder about their principles.