The American People: You knew he was an axe murderer during the primary.
Senate GOP: Nobody expected him to win.
TAP: But he did, and you said nothing.
SGOP: We respect the will of the voters. Mostly. Some of the time.
TAP: You helped elect an axe murderer
SGOP: Technically, it wasn’t an axe. More of a hatchet.
TAP: Axe murderer, hatchet murderer, what’s the difference?
SGOP: An axe requires two hands, whereas a hatchet can be wielded with only…
TAP: IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.
SGOP: Oh. We’re just simple Republican Senators. We don’t use big fancy East Coast elite words like…
TAP: You elected a chopping tool murderer.
SGOP: Well, the American people did. Elections have consequences.
TAP: For the last four years you’ve supported an axe…a chopping tool murderer.
SGOP: Not all of us. Some of us remained silent. Nobly silent.
TAP: You are all complicit. You didn’t try to stop him from murdering people with his…you know, chopping tool.
SGOP: Many of us felt he sometimes went a bit too far.
TAP: TOO FAR?
SGOP: We often said he should tone it down, be more presidential.
TAP: He tried to axe murde…use a chopping tool to murder the president of Ukraine.
SGOP: Nobody murdered the president of Ukraine. That’s fake news.
TAP: He TRIED to. He had his chopping tool in his hand when he asked the president of Ukraine for ‘a favor’.
SGOP: But that favor wasn’t granted and yet no axe murder took place. Nor was there any other chopping, hewing, lopping, hacking, severing, or cleaving-related death. No harm, no foul, that’s the law.
TAP: He was impeached for attempting to chopping tool murder the Ukrainian president, and you acquitted him.
SGOP: There wasn’t enough evidence. Besides, we believed he’d learned a valuable lesson and would stop threatening people with an axe. Or other chopping implement.
TAP: HE TRIED TO AXE MURDER DEMOCRACY.
SGOP: Well. But the thing is, he didn’t.
TAP: HE’S STILL TRYING. HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING AXE AND HE’S SWINGING IT.
SGOP: We need to give him time to come to terms with possibly maybe having been defeated in the recent election. You can’t expect him to be happy about this. In time he’ll graciously accept the possibility of defeat.
TAP: We need to take away his axe NOW. And all his chopping implements. We need to remove him from the White House.
SGOP: That will happen. If it’s determined that he actually lost the election, then we…
TAP: HE LOST THE ELECTION A MONTH AGO.
SGOP: But the Electoral College hasn’t voted yet, so…
TAP: HE’S KILLING PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
SGOP: Not with an axe. Or other chopping implement.
TAP: He’s doing NOTHING about the Axe Virus Pandemic.
SGOP: Fake news. He stopped the importation of Chinese hatchets. And he’s radically cut the time it takes to produce a vaccine. See what we did there? Cut? Axe? Get it? Hah, we are a hoot.
TAP: This isn’t funny. People are dying.
SGOP: You people have no sense of humor. Bad enough you try to keep people from saying, “Merry Christmas” but now you…
TAP: You need to DO something. This madman has to be stopped.
SGOP: We will. We will act swiftly and deliberately, just as soon as we get back from the holiday recess. Merry Christmas!