In the last week of December in 2018 I cobbled together a list of things I’d like to see in 2019. Last year, I did the same thing — a list of things I’d like to see in 2020. I figured, what the hell, I might as well do it again this year. Sure, I didn’t actually get to see any of the things on either list, but that’s not really the point. I don’t actually expect to see any of these things happen in 2021; I’d just like it if they did.
Consider this to be an addition to or an extension of the two prior lists, because I’d still like to see those things. I’ll repeat a few items from the two previous lists because I’d still very much like to see them. Anyway, here, in no particular order, are some things I’d like to see in 2021:
— A memorial to the hundreds of thousands of folks in the US who died from Covid-19. — Better and more ubiquitous public transportation (buses, trams, teleportation booths) that reached poor, working class, and suburban communities. — More bat houses. Bats are cool. — Universal selective service in the US. Not necessarily military service, but a couple years of compulsory national, state, or local service (2019). — The return of clotheslines. Best (and most picturesque) way ever to dry clothes. — Federal support for states that pass Idaho Stop/Delaware Yield laws for bicycles. — Speaking of which, I’d like to see cyclists stop putting speakers on their bikes. If you want to listen to music when you’re cycling, buy some goddamn earbuds. — Brett Kavanaugh busted for DWI (2019, 2020). — A global ban on leaf blowers. Leaf blowers are NOT cool. — A complete rewriting of the last season of Game of Thrones. I mean, c’mon. — Donald Trump and his family of grifters and traitors in handcuffs (2019, 2020). — Turtle ponds in new neighborhoods. Turtles are cool. — A minimum wage that would allow a single person to hold one job and be able to support a family. — Speaking of work, a new Works Project Administration that paid folks to build, repair, and beautify US infrastructure, and that hired artists of all types to contribute. Maybe tie that in with the universal selective service? Yeah, that would work. — The patriarchy smashed into tiny shards, those shard ground into dust, that dust buried deep in the earth, the earth above it salted so that nothing will grow there for a thousand years (2020). — Trees. I’d like to see more trees planted. All types of trees in all types of places. I like trees. Trees are cool. — Reality Winner released from prison (2020). — Small tax rebates for folks who allow/encourage wildlife to live in/on their suburban homes. I’m talking rabbits, opossum, squirrels, chipmunks, bats (of course), probably birds, groundhogs. I’ve no idea how that would actually work, but I like the idea. — And, of course, actual usable pockets in women’s clothes. It’s 2021, for fuck’s sake (2019, 2020).
As before, I’m sure there’s lots of other stuff. This is just off the top of my head; this is me killing time before I go run some errands.
What about you? What would you like to see in the coming year?
I used to wade in the icky waters of FreeRepublic on a fairly regular basis. I did that because I thought it was important to have some notion of what radical right-wing gun owners were thinking. That last bit — the gun owning bit — was the motivating force for me. I may disagree with right-wing extremists, but so long as all they do is shout hateful stuff, I’m okay with it. People shouting hateful stuff who are also armed, well that’s an entirely different kettle of fish. [Tangent Alert — if you’re wondering about the expression ‘kettle of fish’ see below.]
A couple of years into the Trump administration, I lost my willingness to visit FreeRepublic. I did it on occasion, but it was just too fucking ugly and stupid and discouraging to visit regularly. However, after Uncle Joe became POTUS-elect, I’ve started peeking in through the FreeRepublic window again, to see how they’re reacting.
Not well, is how they’re reacting. Poorly. Angrily. Fearfully, is how they’re reacting. Delusional, is how they’re reacting. A large chunk of them continue to believe Covid is a hoax. One of dozens of overlapping, continuous hoaxes — including the hoax that Uncle Joe beat Comrade Trump in the election. They act like they’re completely convinced Trump won, that there was a massive conspiracy to deny him the election, and that Trump will still somehow overturn the result of the election and emerge victorious (to the sound of trumpets, hymns of great praise, an orchestra of angels, a flight of bluebirds, and the continental United States will smell like cinnamon rolls in the morning). Maybe they honestly believe that. It’s not clear.
“Call out the military and hold a new election free of FRAUD and the CCP! CCP interfering was an act of WAR!” — by doc maverick
CCP — that’s the Chinese Communist Party. Yeah, that’s right, they’re involved. NOT the Russians, the Chinese. They’re working with other Globalists (always capitalized) and the Deep State in the US to undermine Trump and destroy the government. The Deep State wants the government to collapse in order for them to…to do something that will give them the power to become…the Deeper State? It’s unclear. But obviously, Trump won the election.
“Stolen. As have been many elections in AmeriKa. O’Bunghole was installed as potus similarly. He has no right living in this country, much less, holding public office. He was potus because of voter fraud, just like creepy joe and crazy ho. We’re so hosed.” — by LouAvul
The FBI tentacle of the Deep State is conspiring with the Fake News Media to impose socialism on the US. This will allow them to…to…I think it’s to take away the guns of honest Americans? Probably. Take their existing guns and make it harder to buy still more guns, which is why there’s been an increase in gun sales these last few months before the Deep State can act. The problem, see, is that there are Republicans IN NAME ONLY who cooperate with…wait, maybe it’s the ATF? I mean, since they’re the ones who deal with firearms. I don’t know, it’s unclear. Anyway, there are Republicans who are part of the fraud they’re helping to steal the election from Trump.
“It’s sickening that most of these states that are in question with a plethora of fraud that is killing the country had majorities of REPUBLICANS at various levels within the states.” — by shanover
These same RINOs are also part of the Great Covid Hoax being perpetrated by the Deep State and the Democrats and China (obviously China). They want America weak and scared (which, by the way, is another reason to buy more guns) and distracted so they can steal the election while Decent Law-abiding Americans are too busy wearing masks and buying toilet paper (and guns) to notice that Hunter Biden’s pals in China inserted code into the voting machines which turned votes for Trump into votes for Biden. The illegal code was illegally inserted through illegal means, specifically by…by means of…well, it’s unclear. But the so-called pandemic was part of the plan, because of…of the economy, I think. Again, it’s unclear. But c’mon, seriously Trump won, it’s obvious and he should stay in office by any means necessary.
“The lockdowns must end ! By force if necessary ! TYrranical out of control demoncraps need controls ! Fire them !” by Truthoverpower
Seriously, how could Biden possibly have won the election (which, of course, was stolen from Trump) given that, at the order of the Deep State and Hunter’s friends in the CCP, he stayed in his basement? For months! Who ever heard of a candidate winning an election from his own basement? Or anybody’s basement? Or any subterranean facility? It’s impossible. UNLESS there’s fraud involved, perpetrated by the FBI and George Soros and other cannibalistic communist sex perverts! There are rooms full of affidavits and videos of Democrats cheating at the polls and bringing in fake Biden ballots disguised as pepperoni pizzas and takeout Chinese (China AGAIN!), and did you know Mitch McConnell’s wife was Chinese? Do you need any more proof that…that something unwholesome and fraudulent is taking place? I don’t think so. McConnell is in on…that thing everybody is in on. It’s not entirely clear what they hope to…well, you know, the cheating and all. Because it was a rigged election.
Trump was holding 3 to 4 rallies PER DAY for weeks on end with hardly a day off. Spontaneous “Trump Train” car rallies and boat rallies were all over the place with thousands and tens of thousands of people turning out, even without a star being there to draw people in. Biden, his execrable “doctor” wife, and Harris couldn’t draw flies. The number of times Biden spoke gibberish and slurred his speech was immense. He never once talked about his policies and vision for America. The press lobbed him softball questions about his favorite ice cream.
A liberty-loving, true-blue American patriot who gave up his retirement to save the USA versus a communist life-long political hack who is one of the meanest people in American politics. And the people voted for the communist? This whole thing is just preposterous beyond belief. — by ProtectOurFreedom
Anyway, there it is. Trump had ALL the boats and trucks, because he’s a friend of the working man. Once Sidney Powell gets a chance (as a special prosecutor) to finally present her unbiased evidence in a REAL court of REAL law, it’s all over for Biden and then Nancy Pelosi will get what she deserves in GITMO. And Michelle Obama too. And all the loud-mouthed girls, they’ll all get what they deserve, which is…well, it’s unclear. Well, it’s clear, but it doesn’t do to say so out loud. But when Trump is inaugurated for his second term, they’ll be able to take care of troublemakers and burn the Deep State and disband the FBI unless the FBI comes around and Democrats will have to eat bugs in prison. That much is clear.
“Once Powell has the information, Biden is screwed.” — by rdcbn1
Anyway, that’s life in FreeRepublic. Trump won. Biden cheated. Covid’s a hoax. China is bad. Russia is our friend. Democrats should be imprisoned, if not shot. (Disclaimer: I made up that bit about the bugs. I never actually saw anybody who wrote that Democrats should be forced to eat bugs. Sorry.)
Tangent: Okay, you’re probably thinking ‘Greg, old sock, what is this whole kettle of fish business? Doesn’t seem to make any sense, don’t you know.’ This is why I get paid the big bucks (or would, if I got paid at all). There’s an explanation. Two explanations, actually. The most common explanation is that years ago in the UK a poaching pan was called a ‘kettle’, and it was apparently a common practice to feed large gatherings by bringing a kettle to boil and then — and I’m not making this up — they’d toss live salmon into the kettle and I don’t like to think about it after that.
The explanation I prefer, though, is that the kettle in question is actually a kiddle, which is another term for a fishing weir. And now you’re thinking, ‘Greg, old sock, what is this weir of which you speak?’ A weir (which is also known in some places as a ‘fishgarth’ if that helps, but I suspect it won’t) is a sort of trap placed in rivers or streams which fish can easily swim into but can’t easily swim out of. At the end of the day, a weir/kiddle may have a lot of different sorts of fish swimming around in a muddle. So the expression ‘a different kiddle/kettle of fish’ refers to a separate and distinct muddled mess.
Comrade President Donald Trump tweeted that he’s disappointed with the US Supreme Court. They can’t be trusted. However, the appellate courts…well, no, can’t trust them either. The lower courts? Sorry, can’t be trusted. Governors of states that voted for Uncle Joe Biden? No way they can be trusted, even if they’re Republicans. Same for Republican Secretaries of States. They’re just untrustworthy. Attorney General Bill Barr? Can’t be trusted. In fact, the entire Department of Justice can’t be trusted. The FBI? Nobody trusts those fuckers. The Intelligence Community? Nope, can’t be trusted. The Democrats? Hah. The corporation that made the Dominion voting machines? Can’t be trusted at all. The people who counted the votes? Can’t be trusted. The poll workers and non-partisan poll watchers? Nope, can’t be trusted. Actual voters? C’mon, some of them are black. Don’t even talk to me about the news media. They don’t even trust themselves. Women? You’re joking, right? What about Dr. Fauci? Nope, can’t be trusted. Scientists in general, you can’t trust them. In fact, science itself can’t be trusted.
So who can you trust? Jared Kushner? You can sorta kinda trust his wife. Maybe Rudy Guiliani, depending on where his hands are. Mitch McConnell? If you’ve got his tiny balls in a vice grip. Hard to think of anybody else, really. Well, Vladimir Putin. Got to trust Vlad. No choice in the matter. He’s got Trump’s tiny balls in a vice grip.
And Trump himself, of course. You know Trump. You know who he is, you know how he thinks, you know how he acts. You can trust Trump.
It’s true, Trump’s not particularly well-informed. But that’s not because he’s stupid; it’s just because he doesn’t care enough to get informed. I’m not saying he’s smart or anything. Just that he’s not stupid. Not really stupid. He just doesn’t know very much. Okay, he’s stupid as a motherfucker. But still, you can trust him.
And sure, I can’t deny that he’s been known to cheat on occasion. He didn’t actually cheat to get elected in 2016; he just encouraged Russia to cheat for him. And yeah, okay, he’s cheated on his taxes. Of course, he’s cheated on his wife. All of his wives. Hell, he even cheated on the women he cheated on his wives with. Seems he also cheated on his SATs. Everybody agrees he cheats at golf. Okay, the guy cheats like a motherfucker. But hey, you can trust him.
And sure, maybe he doesn’t always tell the entire truth. He’s given to exaggeration, it’s true. And yeah, there are times when his interpretation of the truth doesn’t match any commonly accepted version of the truth. Sometimes he adds a little personal spin to the truth. I suppose you could say he…well, he lies, Okay, there are moments when he straight up, flat out lies. Lots of moments. Actually, he lies a lot. All the time. Big lies. Gargantuan lies. He lies about almost anything. Small unimportant things like crowd sizes, big critically important things like pandemics. Or national security. The fact is, Trump lies like a motherfucker. But seriously, you can trust him.
What? You want evidence? You want proof? Sure, no problem. Give him some money. That’s how you really learn whether or not a person can be trusted. Give Trump your money. A little bit of money, a lot of money, it doesn’t matter. Give him the money you were going to donate at church. Give him the money you’d saved to buy a new chainsaw. Give him the money you planned to invest in your children’s education. Give him the money you’d have spent on insulin. Give him your money, watch what he does with it.
There’s where you’ll find your proof. Show the libtards how much you trust Trump. Prove to the world that Trump can be trusted. Give him your money.
Uncle Joe Biden — I ran as a proud Democrat, but I will be the president for ALL Americans.
Republicans — Liar! You’re a socialist!
UJB — No, I’m not. I’m a moderate Democrat who…
Rs — You’ll be the Soros president!
UJB — [grins] Yeah, no.
Rs — You’ll be the president of Antifa!
UJB — Look, here’s the deal. I’m opposed to fascists and fascism, but…
Rs — You’re the president of a global conspiracy of satanic, pedophile, cannibal, sex-traffickers!
UJB — [blinks]
Rs — You don’t even deny it!
UJB— A global conspiracy of what?
Rs — A global conspiracy of satanic, pedophile, sex-traffickers!
UJB — [blinks again] Are you insane?
Rs — Wait, we forgot to include the cannibal part. A global conspiracy of satanic, pedophile, sex-trafficking cannibals!
UJB — I don’t know what to say to that.
Rs — Deny it!
UJB — I do deny it. Of course, I deny it. It’s the craziest goddamn conspiracy theory I’ve ever heard.
Rs — See? That’s exactly what you’d expect from a satanic, pedophile, cannibal, sex-trafficker! Nobody expects satanic, pedophile, cannibal, sex-traffickers to tell the truth.
UJB — I don’t know what I can say to convince you I’m not part of a global conspiracy of any sort, let alone satanic, pedophile, sex-traffickers.
Rs — So you admit you’re a cannibal!
UJB — I forgot to include the cannibal part. I’m not a cannibal, and I can’t believe I actually have to say that out loud.
Rs — Liar! You haven’t even released your taxes!
UJB — Yes, I did. I released several years of…
Rs — Where’s your birth certificate? The long form. Maybe you didn’t show us your birth certificate because they don’t issue birth certificates to satanic, pedophile, cannibal, sex-traffickers who refuse to release their taxes. Or did George ‘Antifa’ Soros pay to have one forged for you? Is that why you wear a mask?
UJB –[checks his watch] You know, I’m running late for a meeting. Thanks for listening. Bye now.
FOXNews — President-elect Joe Biden denies being part of a global conspiracy of satanic, pedophile, cannibal, tax-dodging, sex-traffickers.
NewsMax — Biden suspected of being part of a global conspiracy of satanic, pedophile, cannibal, sex-traffickers, dodges questions about his birth certificate and taxes.
One America News Network — Biden claims he didn’t eat the corpse of a white Protestant baby boy after having satanic sex with it.
I’m just guessing here, but I’m inclined to think Comrade President Trump is having a wee bit of difficulty sleeping. Maybe he’s worried about his pending legal troubles, maybe a late night snack upset his digestion, maybe he’s been wrestling with his conscience (okay, that’s not very likely), or maybe he’s fretting about the course of the global pandemic (equally unlikely). But for whatever reason, last night, around midnight DC time, Trump was awake and couldn’t resist the deadly allure of Twitter.
I’ll agree that Gov. Kemp of Georgia is a fool. I mean, he supported Trump. He trusted Trump. He believed in Trump. Clearly, the guy’s a fool. Anybody who puts any faith in Donald J. Trump needs to memorize the Washburn Prophecy — the immortal words of Hoban ‘Wash’ Washburn: “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!” The one and only thing — the ONLY thing — a person can rely on with Trump is that he’ll betray them without hesitation if he thinks it’s in his interest. Or if they annoy him. Or if he thinks it’ll get applause from his audience of the moment.
But beyond the not-so-sudden but inevitable betrayal, Trump’s tweet is also grounded in lies and fantasies. ‘Open up signature verification,’ he says. Apparently what Trump wants is to have somebody (for example, a Trump loyalist) compare the signatures of registered voters to the signatures on…on what? On the ballots? Just a reminder here: THERE ARE NO SIGNATURES ON BALLOTS. They’re secret ballots, for fuck’s sake. The entire point of secret ballots is that they’re kept secret.
Before a ballot is counted, though, signatures ARE required. And matched. Twice. When you register to vote, you sign a document. That signature is kept on file. When you request an absentee or mail-in ballot, you have to sign the request form. That signature is compared to your registration signature. If it matches, they mail you a ballot. You DO NOT get a ballot unless the signature is matched. After you’ve filled out that ballot, it’s put into a secrecy envelope (because, you know, it’s a secret ballot) and you sign that envelope. When the election office receives that envelope, they compare your signature to your registration signature again. If it doesn’t match, the election office informs you and gives you a chance to correct it, and if you don’t correct it, your ballot gets shit-canned. If it DOES match, they remove the ballot from the secrecy envelope so it can be counted. They separate the ballot from the secrecy envelope BECAUSE IT’S A SECRET BALLOT. If they didn’t separate them, it wouldn’t be secret.
So any absentee or mail-in ballot has had the signatures verified twice. But once the ballot is removed from the secrecy envelope, there is no way for those ballots to be re-united with their secrecy envelopes because, again, THE VOTES ARE SECRET.
This is pretty basic stuff. Either Trump is completely fucking ignorant about how secret elections are held (which is likely), or he’s deliberately trying to sow mistrust (also likely), or possibly the man is delusional (again, likely). Maybe it’s all three, I don’t know.
What I know is this: his followers will see this tweet and demand ‘signature verification’, then become outraged when they’re told it’s impossible. I know this because, like Trump his ownself, his followers are completely fucking ignorant about how secret elections are held, or they’re deliberately trying to sow mistrust, or they’re delusional. Or all three. I don’t know.
I also know this, and I’ll repeat it: Trump’s followers should familiarize themselves with the Washburn Prophecy. The betrayal won’t be sudden, though it will seem that way to them. But it will be inevitable.
To the horror and astonishment of many, Ken Paxton is the actual Attorney General of the State of Texas. Our boy Ken has filed a lawsuit asking the Supreme Court of the United States to basically shitcan the election results in the States of Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, and Wisconsin. None of those states, you may have noticed, is Texas.
You already KNOW that Comrade Trump and his squad of Orc lawyers have had their asses handed to them in around forty courtrooms where they’ve had the audacity to present their arguments. They’ve been claiming they have gigantic mounds of real honest no-shit evidence of fraud and they’re going to produce it any minute now — but they never get around to showing it. So if you’re a semi-normal functioning adult, you’re probably wondering what’s different about Ken Paxton’s suit.
Three things are different. First thing: Kenny is straight up admitting they don’t have any evidence of actual voter fraud. Because it’s invisible.
“[T[he media has consistently proclaimed that no widespread voter fraud has been proven. But this observation misses the point. The constitutional issue is not whether voters committed fraud but whether state officials violated the law by systematically loosening the measures for ballot integrity so that fraud becomes undetectable.”
Kenny is basically saying voter fraud is like a fart at a tea party — you can’t see it, but you know it happened. And it happened because Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, and Wisconsin were just too fucking stupid to stop it. So he wants SCOTUS to light a match and burn a Republican-scented candle.
Second thing: Ken Paxton is pimping for a pardon. His own staff in the Texas Attorney General’s office snitched on him, accusing him of corruption, bribery and abuse of office. The FBI is investigating, and things look a wee bit grim for Kenny. But lo, what corrupt light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Comrade Trump is the sun. Trump has been offering pardons to his family, friends, and staff like a fishmonger trying to get rid of day-old tuna. Nobody is saying it very loudly, but our boy Kenny has his hand out.
Third thing: didn’t nobody in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, or Wisconsin ask Texas to come fart at their tea party. In fact, Pennsylvania filed a response with the Supreme Court calling Kenny’s suit a “seditious abuse of the judicial process.” (Sedition, by the say, refers to the act of inciting revolt or violence against a lawful authority with the goal of destroying or overthrowing it. It’s one step below treason; the difference between sedition and treason is treason requires an overt act — the difference between farting at a tea party and dropping a turd in the punch bowl.)
Is SCOTUS likely to take this seriously? Almost certainly not (and yeah, it should be ‘certainly not’ but Trump has winkled all the integrity out of the judiciary, so who the hell knows?). But at the heel of the hunt, the Texas lawsuit seems to be nothing more than a corrupt attorney general hoping to please a corrupt president enough to get a pardon.
For several years I made a habit of checking in on what I like to call ‘Right-Wing Absurdist Nut-Case’ blogs (I call them that because they’re right-wing blogs that attract nut-cases who seem to be engaged in performative absurdist theater). I usually did it once or twice a week, just in order to see what the crazy fringe believed it.
I haven’t done it very often in recent months, mainly because there was no need. What used to be right-wing absurdist nut-cases have now become mainstream Republicans in Congress. But now that Comrade Trump is being pried out of office, I thought I’d revisit the fetid swamplands of RWANC blogs.
Here’s what I learned:
Former President Barack Hussein Obama was arrested by federal agents in Hawaii and charged with Espionage. He was apparently working for the People’s Republic of China to overthrow the US government and establish a New World Order.
President-elect Uncle Joe Biden was detained and fitted with an ankle bracelet. Biden was also working with Chinese communists on that New World Order business, in addition to doing massive voter fraud in his spare time.
CIA Director Gina Haspel was arrested and detained — perhaps at Gitmo — on unspecified charges. But unlike Obama and Biden, she’s cooperating with authorities and dishing the dirt on her co-conspirators.
These arrests and detentions apparently mean a) the China coronavirus is a hoax so we don’t have to wear commie masks, and b) the edict issued by Pope Boniface in 1302 was now revoked, so banks can no longer foreclose on people’s homes.
I confess, I was a wee bit shocked by all this. I figured Obama was still a secret Muslim and was trying to overthrow the US government to establish a New Caliphate. I feel like such an idiot now that he’s been arrested for conspiring with China. And Biden? It’s not clear to me why Uncle Joe was detained instead of his son Hunter, but I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for that. However, it never occurred to me that he’d need an ankle bracelet to monitor his movements. I’d assumed the contingent of US Secret Service agents guarding him would be a fairly reliable source of intel on that. Who knew? And Gina Haspell? I’d no idea she was even a suspect in that China voter fraud business. It seems obvious now. And of course, she’d be a snitch. I mean, she’s a girl, right?
I totally understand how these arrests reveal how China sent us a hoax virus that killed (allegedly!) a few hundred thousand crisis actors, but I’m still a tad confused about Pope Boniface’s ‘1302 edict.’ I thought that was your basic papal bull (okay, slight tangent here — a ‘bull’ is an authoritative document issued by the Pope; it’s called a ‘bull’ because the term comes from the Latin bulla, meaning — and I am NOT making this up — “a round swelling, knob”, which is the description given to the physical seal used to stamp the edict in order to make it official. Got that? Okay, good) stating that a person can only be sure of salvation if they belong to the Church AND in order to belong to the Church you have to submit to the Pope. (Yes, there are LOTS of round, swelling knob jokes to be made here, but c’mon this IS SERIOUS BUSINESS here.) But apparently, unknown to me (and, as far as I can tell, unknown to the Church), the Pope also claimed ‘dominion’ (that name — coincidence or conspiracy?) over the air and all the birds within it, plus the sea and all its creatures, and the land including all the living things and structures on it. So by revoking that edict (which was done by arresting Obama, I guess) it became illegal for banks to foreclose on somebody’s home because they defaulted on a home loan? I don’t know, but I’m sure it makes sense.
I think the Supreme Court is supposed (or maybe legally obligated) to take the 1302 Papal bull into account when they decide whether or not to agree to hear the argument made by Texas that the 2020 election should be given to Comrade Trump because Texas doesn’t like the manner in which the states of Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin held their elections.
Yeah, okay, well, there it is. If the old school right-wing absurdist nut-cases have become mainstream Republicans, then the new right-wing absurdist nut-cases were forced to become more right-wing, more absurdist, and more nut-casier than they were before. And to my horror, they’ve succeeded.
The American People: You knew he was an axe murderer during the primary.
Senate GOP: Nobody expected him to win.
TAP: But he did, and you said nothing.
SGOP: We respect the will of the voters. Mostly. Some of the time.
TAP: You helped elect an axe murderer
SGOP: Technically, it wasn’t an axe. More of a hatchet.
TAP: Axe murderer, hatchet murderer, what’s the difference?
SGOP: An axe requires two hands, whereas a hatchet can be wielded with only…
TAP: IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.
SGOP: Oh. We’re just simple Republican Senators. We don’t use big fancy East Coast elite words like…
TAP: You elected a chopping tool murderer.
SGOP: Well, the American people did. Elections have consequences.
TAP: For the last four years you’ve supported an axe…a chopping tool murderer.
SGOP: Not all of us. Some of us remained silent. Nobly silent.
TAP: You are all complicit. You didn’t try to stop him from murdering people with his…you know, chopping tool.
SGOP: Many of us felt he sometimes went a bit too far.
TAP: TOO FAR?
SGOP: We often said he should tone it down, be more presidential.
TAP: He tried to axe murde…use a chopping tool to murder the president of Ukraine.
SGOP: Nobody murdered the president of Ukraine. That’s fake news.
TAP: He TRIED to. He had his chopping tool in his hand when he asked the president of Ukraine for ‘a favor’.
SGOP: But that favor wasn’t granted and yet no axe murder took place. Nor was there any other chopping, hewing, lopping, hacking, severing, or cleaving-related death. No harm, no foul, that’s the law.
TAP: He was impeached for attempting to chopping tool murder the Ukrainian president, and you acquitted him.
SGOP: There wasn’t enough evidence. Besides, we believed he’d learned a valuable lesson and would stop threatening people with an axe. Or other chopping implement.
TAP: HE TRIED TO AXE MURDER DEMOCRACY.
SGOP: Well. But the thing is, he didn’t.
TAP: HE’S STILL TRYING. HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING AXE AND HE’S SWINGING IT.
SGOP: We need to give him time to come to terms with possibly maybe having been defeated in the recent election. You can’t expect him to be happy about this. In time he’ll graciously accept the possibility of defeat.
TAP: We need to take away his axe NOW. And all his chopping implements. We need to remove him from the White House.
SGOP: That will happen. If it’s determined that he actually lost the election, then we…
TAP: HE LOST THE ELECTION A MONTH AGO.
SGOP: But the Electoral College hasn’t voted yet, so…
TAP: HE’S KILLING PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.
SGOP: Not with an axe. Or other chopping implement.
TAP: He’s doing NOTHING about the Axe Virus Pandemic.
SGOP: Fake news. He stopped the importation of Chinese hatchets. And he’s radically cut the time it takes to produce a vaccine. See what we did there? Cut? Axe? Get it? Hah, we are a hoot.
TAP: This isn’t funny. People are dying.
SGOP: You people have no sense of humor. Bad enough you try to keep people from saying, “Merry Christmas” but now you…
TAP: You need to DO something. This madman has to be stopped.
SGOP: We will. We will act swiftly and deliberately, just as soon as we get back from the holiday recess. Merry Christmas!