lessons learned

Posted on June 19, 2014 by greg

Hey, everybody makes mistakes. That’s why Plato (or Aristotle or Zorba — one of those Greek guys) said Errare oops humanus est (which is Greek for “Yeah, I know, I fucked up, sorry, oops.”).

Not only is mistake-making universal, it’s also a good thing. Sort of. It can be a good thing. If you realize you made a mistake and you learn from it, it can be a good thing. If you don’t make that same mistake again. If you’re not a total fucking idiot.

Lord Raglan: “Sorry, won’t do that again.”

After the disastrous Charge of the Light Brigade, Field Marshal FitzRoy James Henry Somerset, 1st Baron Raglan (GCB, PC) acknowledged his error and said, “Well, let’s not do that again.” And he never ordered another cavalry charge against a redoubt with a battery of fifty cannons. That wasn’t Lord Raglan’s first mistake; he also had an arm shot to pieces at the Battle of Waterloo. But as his arm was being amputated, Raglan told the surgeon, “My bad, learned my lesson, sorry to be a bother.” And he never had another arm amputated for the rest of his life. Lesson learned.

Captain Smith: “Sorry, valuable lesson learned.”

We see that same resolve to learn from errors in Captain Edward John Smith (RD, RNR). After his ship, HMS Titanic, struck an iceberg in the North Atlantic, Smith turned to his crew in the wheelhouse of the doomed ship and said, “I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson here. Let’s not repeat this iceberg thing.” Unfortunately, Captain Smith drowned shortly thereafter, but I’m confident that had he survived, he’d have spent the rest of his career dodging icebergs like a ninja. Lesson learned.

Kapitän Prüss: “Sorry, got it now.”

Similarly, Kapitän Max Prüss of the airship Hindenburg (LZ-129) quickly realized the error when his Zeppelin burst into flame at Lakehurst, New Jersey. As the ship plunged to the ground, Prüss stated, “Right, got it — no open flame around hydrogen.” The Hindenburg was the last airship he piloted to explode. Lesson learned.

We all make mistakes. None of us is perfect. Not even Joss Whedon, who helped with the rewrite of Waterworld. But I think we all agree we should reflect on the mistakes we make, and attempt never to repeat them. That’s pretty basic.

Dick goddam Cheney: “Sorry? Fuck you. Fuck you with a chainsaw.”

But not Dick Cheney. Not Dick goddam Cheney. No sir, not Dick goddam fucking Cheney, especially when it comes to Iraq. You’ve probably heard about (and possibly even forced yourself to read) Dick goddam fucking shitbrain Cheney’s opinion piece in the Wall Street Journal — the one he wrote with his galactically stupid daughter — the one that says this about President Obama (and I swear, I am not making this up):

Rarely has a U.S. President been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many.

It’s hard to think of anything to say about a comment that profoundly and fundamentally idiotic and cynical.

But this much is clear. The only thing Dick goddam fucking Cheney has learned from encouraging his boss (that notorious fuckwit George W. Bush) to launch an invasion of an Islamic nation that hadn’t (and couldn’t have) attacked the U.S. is that while the war cost the United States about two trillion dollars (and the lives of some 4400 troops and more than a hundred thousand Iraqis), his corporation Halliburton turned a profit of nearly forty billion. So hey, let’s do it again! Lesson not learned.

Lord Raglan, Captain Smith, Kapitän Prüss, and all the millions of poor souls consigned to the Hell of Seven Thousand Monumental Oops for having made massive mistakes are looking at each other this week and saying “That Dick Cheney guy — what a douche.” Lesson learned.

Editorial note: Above quotes may not be entirely historically accurate.

celebratory gunfire

Posted on January 20, 2014 by greg

For the longest time, Texas has held a comfortable lead in the highly-contested Loopiest Legislators race. There are some seriously crazy-ass folks making laws in Texas. But you have to hand it to Florida — they’ve been making a big push to unseat the Texans. And they’re doing it almost entirely on gun laws.

I mean, Texas will hand out a concealed carry permit to almost any bozo who applies, but even they insist that the permit be issued by a criminal justice agency. Florida? Pffft. Their concealed carry permits are issued by the Florida Department of Agriculture. Seriously — I am NOT making this up. The fucking Department of Agriculture. Why? Who the hell knows?

But this is even more stupid than it appears on the surface, because only law enforcement agencies are allowed access to NICS, the National Instant Criminal Background Check System. Is the Florida Department of Agriculture a law enforcement agency? Why no, it’s not. Do they have access to federal criminal and mental health information when determining who merits a concealed weapons permit. Why no. No, they do not. (This is where we all shake our heads and say ‘Jeebus on toads’.)

Marion Hammer, pistol-packin’ cat fancier

That sets the tone for Florida’s other gun laws. We’re all familiar, of course, with Florida’s first-in-the-nation Stand Your Ground Law. That law was essentially written by Marion Hammer, the first woman president of the National Rifle Association (and cat fancier!). A couple dozen states in the U.S. have followed in Florida’s footsteps and have similar laws now. The law basically rewards the person who shoots first in a dispute (the party who shoots first is often the only person who shoots at all, since the other party is often too dead to return fire).

Stand Your Ground essentially indemnifies any shooter who claims to have fired his weapon out of fear for his personal safety. Like Curtis Reeves, the former police officer who recently shot and killed Chad Oulson during an argument over texting during movie previews. The texting led Reeves to argue with Oulson, which then led to reckless popcorn-throwing, which (because this is Florida) led inevitably to a dead guy on the floor of the theater. Reeves is claiming he was in fear for his life when he shot and killed Oulson.

Chad Coulson, loser in popcorn versus semi-auto .380 pistol dispute

Chad Oulson, loser in popcorn versus semi-auto .380 pistol dispute

Hell, you don’t even have to hit the person you were shooting at to use a Stand Your Ground Defense. In South Carolina, whose law is modeled on Florida’s, some teen-aged girls got into a fuss with other girls in a club. The second set of girls followed the first set to their home. Shannon Scott, a 33-year-old man (who had a sign in his window — and honest, I’m NOT making any of this up — saying Fight Crime – Shoot First), met his daughter and her friends at the door. He brought them inside, saw the other girls in their car, said he felt threatened that they might attempt a drive-by shooting. So he shot first. Didn’t hit them, though. Hit 17-year-old Darrell Niles, who was across the street, minding his own business. Hit him right in the head. Killed him. Was Scott charged with a crime? No sir.

“[It is] unreasonable to expect Scott is required to go back into his house, in his castle and hope that the cavalry (police) are going to come…. [And people like Scott] cannot be expected to shoot straight always because they are not supposed to have their life in jeopardy.”

Had Scott stayed inside with his daughter and her friends, Niles would be alive. But hey, what’s the point of having a gun if you can’t point it at somebody now and then. Or, in this case, point it in the general direction of somebody who might be thinking about maybe threatening somebody safely tucked inside a solid-walled structure.

Darrell Niles, interrupted bullet’s flight path

And now Ms. Hammer (and no, again, I am NOT making it up — that’s her actual name) is pushing another law in Florida, expanding Stand Your Ground. She’s written new legislation and has convinced two Florida legislators, Greg Evers and Neil Combee (do I need to say they’re Republicans?), to sponsor it. The proposed law would permit gun owners who feel in fear for their lives “to display guns, threaten to use the weapons, or fire warning shots.”

Warning shots. Like in the movies. Because that always works.

Florida legislator Greg Evers, opposed to Shari’a law, okay with random gunfire

You see, it’s okay to fire your gun into the air because those bullets just disappear. Well, okay, they don’t just disappear — they eventually come back to earth. But when they fall back down, they never hit anybody. Well, okay, they sometimes hit people. But they never kill anybody. Well, okay, sometimes they kill people. But hardly ever.

But c’mon, if you can accidentally kill an innocent person across the street by accident, shouldn’t you also be able to accidentally kill an innocent person anywhere? Not all the time. Just now and then. When you’re afraid, of course. Kill them with a gun, that is. Not with a car. That’s criminal. Cars are dangerous.

If this law passes, there’ll probably be celebratory gunfire. Let’s hope those bullets come down in the right place.

this guy, again

Posted on October 8, 2013 by greg

I’ve written about this guy before. His name is Paul Broun, he’s a Republican from Georgia (though if Texas ever runs out of nitwits — which seems unlikely — this guy could easily be a Republican from Texas), and he’s got something important to say.

“America is going to be destroyed by Obamacare, so whatever deal is put together must at least reschedule the implementation of Obamacare. This law is going to destroy America and everything in America, and we need to stop it.”

Yeah, I know it sounds like he’s talking about some sort of Extinction Level Event, like an asteroid smacking into the Earth, instead of a health care system…but that’s Paul Broun. The guy has no sense of proportion. Hell, he’s got no sense at all.

Paul Broun, Republican, and some animals he killed and ate.

This guy has told his constituents that he believes President Obama might use a natural disaster or a pandemic to institute martial law and rule the U.S. as a dictator. You might think that would encourage Broun to support a health care system that covers more people, since it would reduce the odds of a pandemic…but no, not this guy. He’s even compared passage of the Affordable Care Act to the ~~American Civil War~~ “Great War of Yankee Aggression.”

You have to ask, just how did this guy get to be so bonehead stupid? The answer is he’s stupid because he believes God wants him to be stupid. He believes God wants you to be stupid too, and wants the government to be run stupidly. If you want a government run by morons, then Paul Broun is your kind of guy.

All that stuff I was taught about evolution, embryology, Big Bang theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of hell. It’s lies to try to keep me and all the folks who are taught that from understanding that they need a savior. There’s a lot of scientific data that I found out as a scientist that actually show that this is really a young Earth. I believe that the Earth is about 9,000 years old. I believe that it was created in six days as we know them. That’s what the Bible says. And what I’ve come to learn is that it’s the manufacturer’s handbook, is what I call it. It teaches us how to run our lives individually. How to run our families, how to run our churches. But it teaches us how to run all our public policy and everything in society. And that’s the reason, as your congressman, I hold the Holy Bible as being the major directions to me of how I vote in Washington, D.C.

There you go. This guy says the Bible teaches us how to run public policy. Except for that icky business about “I was hungry and you fed me, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you took me in, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.” Because c’mon, that’s like Socialism.

Paul Broun, Republican, and another animal he killed and ate.

Did I mention this guy is a doctor? Yeah, a doctor. A doctor who believes embryology is a lie from the Pit of Hell. He went to the Medical College of Georgia, the 13th oldest medical school in the U.S. For reasons I fail to understand, they haven’t asked him to return his diploma. Also too, because he’s a Republican who is bonehead stupid AND opposed to science on principle, this guy sits on the House Committee on Science and Technology.

So of course he has an opinion on climate change…and yes, of course, it’s stupid.

Scientists all over this world say that the idea of human-induced global climate change is one of the greatest hoaxes perpetrated out of the scientific community. It is a hoax. There is no scientific consensus.

No consensus other than the 97% of climate scientists who say humans are having a dramatic negative impact on the climate.

Oh, and by the way, all those dead animals in his Congressional office? He killed them and ate them. No, no…I’m not kidding. You see, the Bible apparently says it’s okay to hunt animals for food, but not for sport. So if you kill a lion, you have to eat it. Or part of it. Otherwise you might as well be supporting Obamacare and the Devil.

“If I shoot it, I’m gonna eat it. I had roast warthog, it was cooked in a French style. [The lion] wasn’t particularly tasty. It was kind of chewy, but I ate it.”

Now, you may be asking yourself ‘Does this guy have some sort of organic brain damage?” It’s a good question. Part of the answer might be in the way Broun found his way to Jeebus.

He was 40 years old, drunk at an NFL football game, having problems with his fourth wife, and he saw another guy in the stadium…the famous Rainbow Man…a guy wearing a rainbow wig and a t-shirt that said John 3:16. A couple of weeks later, after fighting with his wife, Broun picked up a Bible, read the verse, decided to quit drinking and dedicated his life to Jeebus.

Stewart Rollen, Rainbow Man

This guy Broun went on to become a lunatic member of Congress. The other guy, Stewart Rollen, the Rainbow Man, went on to become a lunatic inmate in the California Penal system, serving three life sentences for kidnapping. You know those mysterious ways God is said to work in? This must be one of them.

You want the really bad news? In the last election, Broun ran unopposed. Unopposed. The Democrats couldn’t find anybody willing to challenge this guy. Even so, on election night there were around 4000 write-in votes for Charles Darwin.

Seriously. I’m not making any of this up. We live in a very weird fucking world, people. Very weird indeed.

government shutdown explained in two quotes

Posted on October 3, 2013 by greg

Marlin Andrew Stutzman is a Republican member of the United States House of Representatives. He represents the 13th District in Indiana.

Marlin Stutzman, Republican, Indiana

“We’re not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this. And I don’t know what that even is.”

Don Fanucci is an extortionist for the Black Hand in Little Italy. He represents the Sicilian mobster Maranzalla.

Don Fanucci, Extortionist, Black Hand

“This is my neighborhood. You and your friends should show me some respect. You should let me wet my beak a little… Tell your friends I don’t want a lot. Just enough to wet my beak.”

It’s that simple.

damn that obama

Posted on September 5, 2013 by greg

If there was any humor to be found in the Syrian situation (and really, there isn’t) it would come from congressional Republicans. Let’s hear from ~~North Texas~~ Oklahoma Republican James Inhofe (the senior Republican on the Senate Armed Services Committee) back on May 9th:

“At stake for U.S. national security, our partners in the region and for the future of the Syrian people are over 1,000 tons of chemical weapons that could end up in the hands of terrorists…. A solution to Syria will not be easy. Enforcing a no-fly zone, even a limited no fly zone, has many risks including ineffectiveness against low flying attack aircraft, misidentifying civilian aircraft, and the potential for escalation. Boots on the ground could accelerate the growth of extremist influence and create more support for Assad rather than hasten his removal. But just because the choices before us are hard doesn’t mean the United States has the luxury of sitting on the sidelines and doing nothing.

It’s more important now than ever that President Obama step up and exhibit the leadership required of the commander in chief. It’s time he clearly articulate a plan to help stem the violence, lead the international community, and demonstrate to Assad that his barbaric actions have consequences. Continued inaction by the president, after establishing a clear red line, will embolden Assad and his benefactors in Tehran to continue their brutal assault against the Syrian people…. Doing nothing encourages bad actors to take larger gambles in an unstable region. Assad, and the rest of the world, must clearly understand that crossing an American red line has consequences”

Damn that Obama, he just won’t step up to protect Syrian civilians and do what’s necessary for freedom.

Senator James Inhofe, Pro-Intervention Republican

Then, of course, President Obama started exhibiting “the leadership required of the commander in chief” just like Inhofe demanded. And since Obama was for intervention, then it clearly had to be not only the wrong thing to do, but also a reckless, dangerous, anti-freedom thing to do. Here’s Inhofe yesterday:

“We know that an attack on Syria could have repercussions on Israel, but no one is talking about the decimation of our military. Today, we can afford to launch 30 cruise missiles into Syria, but we cannot ignore that such an attack on another country is an act of war. The state of our military today cannot afford another war.”

Damn that Obama, he’s not willing to protect our fragile military and do what’s necessary for freedom.

Senator James Inhofe, Anti-Intervention Republican

Anybody can change their mind, of course. Sometimes, after consideration and reflection, a person might realize that their earlier position was flawed. So maybe Senator Inhofe simply had a change of heart; maybe his response wasn’t just a partisan attack on the president.

Senator James Inhofe, Uncomfortably Confused Republican

But nope. After supporting some sort of military action, Inhofe now opposes some sort of military action…except that he believes we have a responsibility to engage in some sort of military action.

“As a superpower, we have a responsibility to follow through on what we say and ensure the security of our allies and partners. We must also ensure our military has the means to fulfill those responsibilities. Our president has failed to live up to those responsibilities.”

Damn that Obama, he’s…he’s…damn him.

There are principled arguments to make against any military strike in Syria. There are principles arguments to make in favor of it as well. Then there’s the modern Republican argument, which makes up in passion what it lacks in principle. They are fervently, ardently, zealously opposed to anything Obama is for.

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