Category Archives: stuff that’s just fucking stupid

fuck dilbert

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Oh lawdy, did you see this? Scott Adams — the Dilbert cartoonist — has 1) endorsed Hillary Clinton for President of These United States and 2) says she’s likely to start a race war. But it’s okay, on account of 3) he’s only endorsing her to escape assassination.

No, I am NOT making this up. It sounds like I’m making it up, on account of it’s so fucking stupid it would make paramecium scratch their heads — but I am NOT making it up. Here’s his endorsement in its paramecium-confusing entirety. So you can check what I write against what he actually no-shit I’m-not-making-this-up says.

“This past week we saw Clinton pair the idea of President Trump with nuclear disaster, racism, Hitler, the Holocaust, and whatever else makes you tremble in fear.”

And hey, there’s some truth in that. Not a lot, but some. Hillary did, in fact, say this:

“[I]t’s not hard to imagine Donald Trump leading us into a war just because somebody got under his very thin skin.”

I have to say, it’s pretty easy to imagine Trump getting the U.S. involved in a war. He talks a lot about bombing the shit out of people, which sounds pretty war-like to me. But did she actually ‘pair’ Trump with Hitler and the Holocaust? Nope. Did she call him a racist? Well, sorta kinda. What she actually said was that Trump “plays coy with white supremacists.” She says that because Trump actually does play coy with white supremacists. Which, I guess, is pretty much saying he’s either a racist or he doesn’t mind racists. But that’s because Trump is a racist. Or doesn’t mind racists.

dilbert2006101221628

Adams also wrote this in his ‘endorsement’ of Clinton:

“Trump took her so-called “woman card” and turned it into a liability. So Clinton wisely pivoted. Her new scare tactics are solid-gold persuasion.”

Well, no. Trump didn’t turn the ‘woman card’ into a liability. Trump said “I think only card she has is the women’s card.” That didn’t hurt Clinton at all. In fact, it turned a LOT of women away from Trump. Well, farther away. And Clinton didn’t pivot away from Trump’s sexist comment; she embraced it as an example of why women can’t trust or believe him.

And then Adams says — and again, I’m honestly NOT making this up — this Dilbert guy actually wrote these exact words:

“The only downside I can see to the new approach is that it is likely to trigger a race war in the United States. And I would be a top-ten assassination target in that scenario because once you define Trump as Hitler, you also give citizens moral permission to kill him. And obviously it would be okay to kill anyone who actively supports a genocidal dictator, including anyone who wrote about his persuasion skills in positive terms.

If Clinton successfully pairs Trump with Hitler in your mind – as she is doing – and loses anyway, about a quarter of the country will think it is morally justified to assassinate their own leader.”

Apparently if you claim Trump is a racist and you cite some of the racist shit Trump says, and then racist violence starts, the violence is the fault of those folks who called Trump a racist. To believe that and write it is stupid at the atomic level. Every atom in Scott Adams body must be spinning off-kilter and making a whiny, high-pitched mree mree mree sound, like an air conditioner that’s about to explosively cease functioning.

It’s a good thing Trump supporters and conservatives have too much integrity to pair anybody with Hitler (oh lawdy, I’m a fucking riot).

hitlery

And that ‘morally justified to assassinate’ bullshit? This colossal fuckwit Adams is not only suggesting Clinton is tacitly promoting the murder of Trump but also the murder of himself because — because who the fuck knows why? Because he predicted Trump would win the election? C’mon.

Those French dudes who wrote politically charged cartoons for Charlie Hebdo? They were assassinated because they offended intolerant religious fanatics. Those guys took actual risks by writing unpopular stuff about actual issues. Writing a cartoon about an office drone in a cubicle and a snarky dog doesn’t make anybody a threat. Jeebus, get over yourself. Dilbert is no fucking Charlie Hebdo.

Then Adams says — and I know you’re thinking he can’t possible say anything stupider than what he’s already said, but YOU’D BE WRONG. He writes:

“I’ve decided to endorse Hillary Clinton for President, for my personal safety. Trump supporters don’t have any bad feelings about patriotic Americans such as myself, so I’ll be safe from that crowd. But Clinton supporters have convinced me – and here I am being 100% serious – that my safety is at risk if I am seen as supportive of Trump.”

He may be 100% serious, but he’s also 100% full of moose shit. The only risk to Scott Adams is that somebody might decide to stop reading his comic or buying his fucking stuffed dogs or his…well, his books.

But don’t fret. At the very end of his ‘endorsement’ Scott Adams asks you to buy his book. Seriously. Again, totally NOT making that up. So if all you Hillary supporters can just hold off on that race war and assassination summer long enough to buy his book, then maybe he’ll be able to afford to escape to some safe haven for cartoonist heroes.

Mree mree mree mreeeee.

rain on your wedding day

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Conservatives have killed irony. Killed it, hacked its body into dozens of pieces, and buried them in a shallow grave in the Meadowlands. Then they dug up the body parts and set fire to them. Then scattered the ashes. In a toxic waste disposal site. And covered them with salt. Non-iodized salt.

And that was before Senator John Thune (Republican from Whogivesafuck), the chairman of the Senate Committee on Commerce, Science, and Transportation decided it was critically important to find out if Facebook was being mean to conservatives. I swear I am not making this up.

Thune

On Monday, Gizmodo published an article indicating that Facebook “routinely suppressed news stories of interest to conservative readers from the social network’s influential ‘trending’ news section.” The source of that article, who is described as ‘politically conservative’, requested anonymity, “citing fear of retribution from the company.”  He told Gizmodo:

“I’d come on shift and I’d discover that CPAC or Mitt Romney or Glenn Beck or popular conservative topics wouldn’t be trending because either the curator didn’t recognize the news topic or it was like they had a bias against Ted Cruz.”

It was like they had a bias, you guys! Against Ted Cruz! C’est incroyable! And c’mon, everybody knows that Mitt Romney and Glenn Beck are super popular, and we all want to know what they have to say about…you know, stuff. But no, Facebook users were denied that information because Mark Zuckerberg hates Republicans.

Senator Thune was so outraged by this that he took time away from his busy schedule of not holding hearings on a Supreme Court nominee and not considering President Obama’s request for funding for research on that silly Zika virus to write a stern letter to Facebook. He demanded information on whether or not the Trending Topics news curators are “targeting news stories related to conservative views for exclusion.”

Thune also held a news conference, in which he stated:

“If there’s any level of subjectivity associated with it, or if, as reports have suggested that there might have been, an attempt to suppress conservative stories or keep them from trending and get other stories out there, I think it’s important for people to know that. That’s just a matter of transparency and honesty, and there shouldn’t be any attempt to mislead the American public.”

Transparency, you guys. And honesty. With these allegations in mind, I looked just now (seriously, just now, at 10:06 in the morning, local time) at Facebook’s Trending Topics.

Calvin Klein: Company’s Ad Featuring Upskirt Picture of Model Criticized.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Article on Actress’s Lifestye Website, Goop, Recommends $15,000 Sex Toy.

Hyperloop One: Company Successfully Tests Propulsion System in Nevada Desert.

Well. There you have it. No mention of any upskirt photos of Glenn Beck. Nothing at all about Mitt Romney’s sex toys. And as we all know, this hyperloop business is a liberal conspiracy against the petroleum industry. Or wait — maybe it’s a sex toy? Doesn’t matter, because It’s clearly biased, you guys!

Thune, who frequently appears on Fox News shows (which are totally fair and balanced, not to mention completely transparent and honest), also said this:

“Facebook must answer these serious allegations and hold those responsible to account if there has been political bias in the dissemination of trending news.”

L’ironie, elle est morte! Cue Alanis Morissette.

it ain’t over

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First, let me say this: it’s always easy to know the right thing to do when you don’t have to actually do it your ownself. So when I say I think the Feds fucked up strategically in their dealings with the Great Bird Sanctuary Treason Plot, but did well tactically, remember that I’m mostly talking out my ass.

Second, let me make a pretty bad analogy. I mean, it’s not a totally horrible analogy, it’s just pretty bad. Here it is: Pretend you have a child (unless you actually have a child). That child knows he (and yeah, it’s a boy on account of boys are just like that) isn’t supposed to have chocolate. Now, pretend that boy takes a damned chocolate. You take the chocolate back from the boy, and he’s pissed on account you’re mean and stupid and he hates you. Now pretend that the boy takes a damned chocolate and you tell him “Child, you are NOT to take chocolates” but you just stand there with your thumb up your butt while he eats the chocolate. Then the next day the little bastard takes another damned chocolate. This time you take the chocolate from him, but now he’s pissed times two on account of you let him have the chocolate last time and didn’t do anything.

Get it? Wait, I meant to tell you the Bundy family is the child and the chocolate is seizing control over government lands. Now, get it?

My point is if the Feds had confiscated Cliven Bundy’s livestock like they were authorized to do before he called in all his faux patriot buddies, then it’s unlikely the Lesser Bundys would have started the Great Bird Sanctuary Treason Plot. Strategically, the Feds fucked up. If you tell the boy he can’t have chocolate, then you have to be ready to take his damned chocolate.

Charter Members of the Fuckwit Collective.

Charter Members of the Fuckwit Collective.

But they didn’t, and now there’s a dead fuckwitted cowboy and a wounded fuckwitted whatever-the-hell Ryan Bundy is.

It could have been worse. It could have been much worse. And there’s a very real possibility that it will get worse. On account of it’s not over. Not yet.

It’s important to remember that the people involved in the Great Bird Sanctuary Treason Plot aren’t just fuckwits. They’re fuckwits who are part of a religious/political/ideological movement with a long history of violent confrontation with law enforcement, a penchant for armed resistance in a siege, and a tradition of martyrdom. That’s not a recipe for peaceful resolution.

We’ve seen this same basic situation several times since the early 1980s. Well-armed, conspiracy-oriented, survivalist-minded, right-wing fuckwits with strange notions of Christianity and a deep, abiding suspicion of the U.S. government have repeatedly sparked violent confrontations with Federal law enforcement agents. Gordon Kahl and the Posse Comitatus in 1983, Robert Jay Mathews and the Brüder Schweigen (the Silent Brotherhood) in 1984, Richard Wayne Snell and The Covenant, the Sword, and the Arm of the Lord in that same year, Randy Weaver — whose wife and son were killed during their stand-off in 1992, David Koresh and 75 members of his group died after a long siege in 1993, the Montana Freemen in 1996, and on and on and on.

Some of those conflicts were resolved peacefully. Most weren’t. Most ended in bloodshed. Because these people have some real issues with impulse control AND they have guns.

Lavoy Finicum

Lavoy Finicum

Earlier I said the Feds fucked up strategically. I personally think they also fucked up by not taking a harder line against the Great Bird Sanctuary Treason Plot plotters in a way that’s what you call ‘timely.’ Like, say, a couple of days after they moved in. Instead, the Feds allowed the Lesser Bundys to think this was going to be BundyFest II.

Still, when the Feds finally decided to act, they did well tactically. By that I mean they handled the arrest of the Bundys and their camouflage remora in a professional way. They waited until the leaders of the movement left the compound, stopped them, and took them into custody with relatively little fuss. Aside from, you know, shooting the cowboy (and I don’t mean to make light of that; it’s sad that it happened, but it seemed clear from the beginning that Lavoy Finicum was redolent with the smell of burning martyr).

The problem is there are still at least a couple of Finicumesque fuckwits camped out in Malheur, working on their Braveheart imitations. It may not be easy to dislodge them.

the politics of stupid fear

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History will remember those who bullied and those who had the political courage to open our doors.

No, it won’t. Sorry.

The Modesto Bee published an excellent editorial yesterday. It’s a solid analytical piece, carefully sourced, full of links to supporting material, compassionate and intelligent. But their last line claiming history will remember the names of those who opposed helping Syrian refugees was, sadly, delusional.

I’d love to believe it was true, but it’s not. History — specifically political history, and even more specifically, political history in the United States — has the memory of an epileptic gnat. The Bene Gesserit were right (are right?); fear is the mind killer. Fear drives away reason and logic, and any sense of history disappears with it.

Does anybody remember last year? No? No, of course not. Thirteen months ago all those Republicans now running for president claimed Americans were all going to die from Ebola. Remember? They wanted to stop all flights from Africa. They wanted to prevent anybody who’d recently been IN Africa from returning to the United States. They talked about building camps to quarantine anybody who’d passed through Africa. Governors (mostly Republican) began issuing mandatory quarantine policies. It was the end of the world, remember?

ebola fears

How many cases of Ebola were there in the United States? Eleven. How many of those died? Two. Remember?

Here’s a true thing: Republicans have based their politics on fear for so long, they’re no longer able to distinguish between real threats, potential threats, and imagined threats. Could an Islamic terrorist group use the refugee program to infiltrate a terrorist into the United States? Sure, but why would they? The refugee process is long and slow and full of obstacles. There are easier and quicker ways for a terrorist to get into the U.S.

Remember, refugees are applying for resettlement. They’re not asking to visit; they’re asking to live in the United States. That’s a complicated process. They first have to submit an application at a U.S. embassy. If that application is considered viable, the applicants are screened by the nearest State Department outpost. We take their photographs and their fingerprints, and while those are being examined and compared against terrorist watch lists by the FBI, State Department operatives are checking their backgrounds. If they pass those investigations, their applications are turned over for further investigation by the National Counter-Terrorism Center. After that they have to go through in-person interviews with folks in Homeland Security. If they haven’t been excluded (or given up hope) by that point, there are medical and psychiatric examinations. The whole process takes two or three years.

It would be easier and probably more successful for a terrorist organization to obtain a false passport and a visitor’s visa, and let their terrorist fly in like a tourist from Bermuda. Or hell, just sneak across the border in Canada or Mexico.

no-isis-refugees-tarp

No, this fear of Syrian refugees isn’t grounded in any sort of reality. It’s just plain, stupid fear and the politics of stupid fear. The fact is, you’re more likely to die from Ebola than you are to be killed by a terrorist posing as a Syrian refugee.

Next year there’ll be a different apocalyptic crisis, and Republicans (along with timid Democrats) will once again piss their pants and advocate radical policies, and we’ll have forgotten about the Syrian terrorist-refugees. Hell, we’ll probably forget about them by the end of the year. It’s convenient to forget about refugees. Unless you are one.

this guy, seriously

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I declare, I simply cannot afford the amount of alcohol that would be required to look at this week’s news without becoming a model for an Edvard Munch painting. But here are the highlights.

This guy wants to keep Syrian refugees out of Texas because it would be too easy for them to buy guns and commit acts of terrorism. I can’t even count how many things are wrong in that statement. On the other hand, we’re talking about Texas state politics. You know, the place Saint Molly Ivins called ‘America’s laboratory of bad government.’

This guy, Tony Dale of Texas.

This guy, Tony Dale of Texas.

This next guy? He’s one of two Marksville, Louisiana deputies who killed a five-year-old boy in an ongoing feud between a city court judge and the city’s mayor. The mayor, a mechanic who also own an auto parts shop, wanted to tighten the city’s budget — which meant, in part, reducing the judge’s salary and the court’s operating budget (which is funded in some measure through issuing traffic tickets). The city’s marshal then hired some part-time deputies to issue more traffic tickets to bolster the courthouse budget. One of those deputies was this guy — Derrick Stafford, who before becoming a deputy was charged twice with aggravated rape. Stafford’s defense lawyer in those cases was the man who is now the Marksville city judge. As a deputy, Stafford has racked up five excessive force lawsuits.

It would require some combination of a Southern Gothic flowchart and a Chinese abacus to understand the arcane connection between the mayor, the judge, the deputies, the six-year-old victim’s father, and the victim himself. But lawdy, this guy.

This guy, Deputy Marshal Derrick Stafford.

This guy, Deputy Marshal Derrick Stafford.

And there’s this guy, who is unaccountably running for President of the United States. He recently accused the actual president of not wanting to defend the United States against terrorism, but is now offended that President Obama criticized those who wanted to close the borders to Syrian refugees. Obama said, “That’s not American, it’s not who we are.” Despite the fact that Obama mentioned no names, this guy whines that the president “just called me offensive the day before he called me un-American.” He then went on to say this (and I’m not making this up):

“Mr. President. You want to insult me, you can do it overseas, you can do it in Turkey, you can do it in foreign countries, but I would encourage you, Mr. President, come back and insult me to my face.”

I hope Obama comes back (he’s in Paris at the moment) and insults him to his face, which this guy so richly deserves.

This fuckin' guy, Ted Cruz

This fuckin’ guy, Ted Cruz.

And speaking of presidential candidates, there’s this guy, who is opposed to the idea of a free college education. He argued that free education was insidious and dangerous. Well, let’s let this guy explain the risks his ownself:

“It’s like the crabs in the, you know, whatever—the crabs in the boiling water.”

“Frogs,” an audience member shouted out.

“The frogs. You think it’s warm, and it feels pretty good and then it feels like you’re in a whirlpool—you know, a Jacuzzi or something. And then you’re dead. That’s how this works.”

That’s how free college education works, according to this guy. Lawdy.

This guy, the 'smart' Bush brother.

This guy, the ‘smart’ Bush brother.

By this point I’m just bemoaning my impoverished state on account of I want to steadily drink the rest of this year away. But…there was this guy.

This guy? He’s a football player. Football players are not known for their sensitivity to race. Or ethnicity. Or gender or sexual orientation. Or any fucking thing at all, really. But this guy? Before Sunday’s football game the stadium held a moment of silence for the victims of the Paris attacks–and some fuckwitted Packers fan used that moment to shout out some anti-Muslim bullshit. And after the Packers lost (for which I blame that fan), this guy had a few words to say about the Moment of Silence and the fan who fucked it up.

Listen to this guy. Put the bottle down and listen to this guy. This guy is worth all the others combined.

Oh, and also that little kid. You know, the little French-Asian kid and his charming daddy? In Paris? The one who talked about the bad men with guns, and the flowers and candles? Yeah, that one. Listen to him too.

let’s not be stupid

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It’s a pretty good visual. Marco Rubio sitting in leather chair, speaking calmly and using simple declarative sentences, explaining the reasons behind the attacks in Paris. If you don’t take the time to think about what he actually says, you might find  him persuasive.

But let’s not be stupid. Because if you do take a moment to consider his comments, it becomes pretty clear he doesn’t have a fucking clue.

“This is not a geopolitical issue where they want to conquer territory, and it’s two countries fighting against each other.”

Yeah, it kinda is about conquering territory. ISIL devotes the vast majority of its time and money — not to mention its personnel — on conquering and holding territory in Syria and Iraq. Rubio is sorta kinda right that it’s not two countries fighting against each other; it’s a whole bunch of countries. He’s apparently ignorant of the fact that ISIL is attempting to carve out its own state — and is fighting a ground war against Iraq and Syria and free Kurdistan (as much as one exists). They’re also engaged in combat against Russian and Western forces in the region. There’s a reason they call themselves the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant.  Let’s not be stupid, okay?

“They literally want to overthrow our society and replace it with their radical Sunni Islamic view of the future.”

Literally. C’mon. Does ISIL have an air force? No, they do not. Do they have a navy? Again, no. And despite their military success in Iraq and Syria, they don’t really have much of an army. What they have is a moderately disorganized horde of highly enthusiastic but mostly amateur troops. They may want to overthrow the U.S. and the rest of the world (they’ve said as much), but let me just say this: they literally can’t. Hell, there are armed groups in Texas and Wyoming and Montana that have a better shot at taking down the U.S. government — and they have no shot at all. Let’s not be so stupid.

“This is not a grievance-based conflict. This is a clash of civilizations.”

Yes, it IS grievance-based. And no, it’s not a clash of civilizations. The folks who control ISIL are Salafists, and their grievance is that the world — and  especially ‘heretic’ Muslims in the Middle East — haven’t submitted to the will of Allah (as they interpret it). Sure, at least 99% of the world (including Muslims) doesn’t acknowledge the legitimacy of their grievance, but it’s a grievance all the same. You don’t try to form an entirely new State unless you have a pretty significant grievance.

You can't get from the Iraq-Syrian border to the U.S. in a Toyota pickup.

You can’t get from the Iraq-Syrian border to the U.S. in a Toyota pickup.

Also? ISIL isn’t a civilization. It’s not even a stable State. It’s a constantly shifting, armed collective committing mass murder under the direction of religious extremists. Civilizations take time to become established; they require a civil society, contributions to science, a contemporaneously advanced industry (advanced in comparison to other cultures in that time period), and stable form of government.

None of those things apply to ISIL. Seriously, let’s not be completely fucking stupid.

“They do not hate us because we have military assets in the Middle East — they hate us because of our values. They hate us because young girls here go to school. They hate us because women drive. They hate us because we have freedom of speech, because we have diversity in our religious beliefs. They hate us because we’re a tolerant society.”

Lawdy, where to start? Okay, yeah, ISIL isn’t tolerant. And yeah, they don’t want girls to go to school or women to drive. And yeah, they’re not interested in free speech. They probably DO hate those things, and maybe they hate any literal civilization that promotes those ideas. But dude c’mon, they didn’t send suicide bombers to Paris because French girls go to school; they didn’t bring down a Russian passenger jet because Vladimir Putin is committed to free speech. They attacked French and Russian citizens because both France and Russia recently increased military actions against ISIL-controlled territory, and because it’s effective recruitment advertising.

Which means yeah, they really do hate us (and France and Russia) because we have military assets in the Middle East. Let’s not be that stupid.

“And either they win, or we win.”

Seriously? Okay, go ahead; be that stupid. Go ahead and try to make this into High Noon at the ISIL Corral. Be that determinedly stupid.

But here’s a true thing: ISIL can’t win. Not in any traditional sense. They can’t win militarily, they can’t win culturally, they can’t win politically, and they can’t even win religiously. The very best ISIL can hope for is to maintain control over a chunk of territory along the Syria-Iraq border for a while. Maybe a long while.

Stop selling ISIL Toyotas, and you stop ISIL.

Stop selling ISIL Toyotas, and you stop ISIL.

But this is the 21st century. Governments can no longer exist in isolation. ISIL doesn’t have a time machine; they can’t go back to the glory of the 9th century. Even if they could, they’d almost certainly murder Harun al-Rashid — in the same way modern Republicans would kick Ronald Reagan’s bony ass out of the GOP. The most isolationist government on Earth is North Korea, and North Korea would collapse as a nation if not for its trade agreements with China and a handful of other nations. On top of that, there’s the InterTubes — and anywhere people have internet access there’ll be people hungering for information. And porn. Both of which are inherently subversive.

ISIL can’t succeed in the modern world — not for long. They’re dangerous, no mistake. They’ve proven themselves to be brutes and sadists, and they’ll continue to pull crazy shit like the Paris attacks. If Western nations allow themselves to get drawn into the ground war in Iraq and Syria, ISIL will thrive for a while. But in the long run, the reason for its existence will also be the reason for its extinction. Hatred and intolerance are only effective in the short term.

One thing has me curious, though. Where are they getting all those Toyota pickups? Oh, and Marco Rubio? He’s stupid.

louie gohmert — more testing is required

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I sometimes forget about Louie Gohmert, the Republican Congressman from Ohmygodisthisguyfuckingstupid, Texas. At least I try to forget about him. I would sincerely like to forget about him. But then he opens his gob and makes word sounds that are so astonishingly stupid that it sucks intelligence right out of the air. As he begins to speak you can actually witness intelligence wither, turn crisp and dry, and crumble like charred bits of paper, to be blown away by the next passing breeze.

On this occasion, a few days ago, Gohmert was speaking at a forum of a college chapter of the Eagle Forum, a conservative ‘interest’ group formed by Phyllis Schlafly. Schlafly is Louie Gohmert’s intellectual equal. She has claimed sex education was like a Tupperware party for abortions. She once said sexual harassment wasn’t a problem for virtuous women. She’s mean-spirited, socially blind, vindictive, and petty. She could be Sarah Palin’s wicked godmother.

Phyllis Schlafly

Phyllis Schlafly – won’t catch her whoring at a Tupperware party, no sir.

But back to Gohmert. His topic at this forum was the Supreme Court of These United States and their role in marriage. And yeah, you’d think it would be a short speech. Something like this:

But no, this is Louie Gohmert, whose approach to public speaking is to say something stupid, then support it by saying something stupider. He suggested Supreme Court Justices Elana Kagan and Ruth Ginsburg ought to be impeached for participating in the landmark same-sex marriage case.

“I think they ought to be impeached, I think ought to be removed, and until Congress shows that we do have some say in the Constitution over the courts the abuses are just going to get worse.”

The abuse he’s talking about? Both Kagan and Ginsburg attended or participated in unholy same-sex marriages before making their ruling, which Gohmert apparently believes is evidence (or actual proof) that they weren’t basing their decision on the merits of the law. Or something. Although he didn’t actually say this, I can only assume Gohmert believes it was perfectly okay for the other seven judges to have participated in holy opposite-sex marriages before making their ruling because they were Jeebus-sanctified.

Does this make sense? No. Did it please his audience? Absolutely. But Louie Gohmert wasn’t just there to make his audience happy; he was there to make a case — to provide evidence to support his certainty that marriage equality was unnatural.

Louie Gohmert --this guy is actually a member of Congress, seriously.

Louie Gohmert –this guy is actually a member of Congress, seriously.

So Gohmert attempted science. He proposed an experiment. A thought experiment. I mean, Albert Einstein did thought experiments. He did them all the time, and he was just a Jew from Austria. Or Switzerland. Someplace foreign. So how hard could it be for a Republican from Texas?

“We could take four heterosexual couples, married, and put them on an island where they have everything they need to sustain life. Then take four all-male couples and put them on an island with all they need to sustain life, take four couples of women, married, and put them on an island, and let’s come back in 100 to 200 years and see which one nature says is the preferred marriage.”

There it is — the scientific method, filtered through the brain of Louie Gohmert. Apparently, by his reasoning, if we put four unmarried heterosexual couples on that island and came back after a couple hundred years, we’d find the skeletons of eight dead virgins.

The ancient Greeks used to believe the function of the brain was to cool the blood, and had nothing to do with the process of thinking. The scientific method strongly suggests they were wrong. Maybe more testing is required.

what? another mass shooting?

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Its either black gangs, an ADD/autistic drug white boy on antidepressants, or a moslem.

Oh, FreeRepublic, you never fail me. America dishes up another serving of mass murder, and y’all rush to ladle the paranoid gravy over it.  Let’s rely on our almost total lack of information and wildly speculate on who’d do a horrible thing like that, shall we?

In order, here are the odds: 1) Moose-slime jihadist, 2) A son of Obama, 3) Criminal invader from across the Rio Grande, 4) Leftist (like Dylan Roof, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinckley, James Earl Ray…)

Could be ISIS-Arab—out to take some Americans and go to Paradise?

But wait…what’s this? News reports indicate the shooter was “an older white male”? Oh no, how can it be? What can it mean? Could it possibly be…a woman’s fault?

Just a guess that ex went to the movies with someone the shooter didn’t want her going to the movies with.

Maybe he was after the woman who was in his life at one time, and she was now with someone else.

John Russell House, alleged white guy (possible ISIS plant or maybe even a Democrat)

John Russell House, alleged white guy (possible ISIS plant or maybe even a Democrat)

But if it’s not a woman’s fault, it must be Obama’s. Or maybe just random Democrats. Or liberals in general.

Simple. Rampant liberalism is the cause. The axis of evil in the White Mosque has set up an environment for leftists to engage in these killing sprees. Aside from the shooter, hussein, holder and jarrett are equally guilty. As long as the regime remains in place, it’s vital for Patriots to be well armed.

How many mass shootings does that bring us to now under this “wonderful administration”? Seems like it’s almost weekly now. What a country we turned out to be!

Well, if it does turn out that he was white — which is still doubtful in my mind — note that his political party isn’t mentioned in that media release. Typical of the drivebys. That’s proof he was a DemonRAT — like all of the other mass murders.

Given that liberalism is mental illness, it’s a sure thing this utterly crazy and evil man in Lafayette was a registered ‘RAT.

The very high 90th percent of this crap is done by liberals. ‘Tea Party types” doing this is almost non-existent. Liberalism is the ultimate cause. No self control, no morals, lots of mind altering drugs and victimhood delusions pushed by other liberals. They should all be caged.

The real scandal is a nutjob who should’ve been institutionalized, but b/c of decades of leftists policies, was allowed to roam free. Also, the types & amounts of taxpayer-provided welfare the @-hole was sucking in that allowed him to move around the country, live in motels, and purchase disguises, weapons, & ammo.

But oh no, there’s some suggestion by news sources that the shooter might have been a member of the Tea Party! How dare the news media leap to conclusions based on nothing more than the suspect’s name and race! How dare they make conjectures without any objective supporting evidence!

Anytime there’s a shooting the first thing the media does is check the names of anyone who ever joined a “tea party”.

How quick the media find a Tea Party connection. We’ll be hearing that non-stop.

Of course, it’s possible this could be a ‘false flag’ operation by Obama-led liberals intended to make it appear as if the shooter was a Tea Party fuckwit. Not just possible, really, but probable. In fact, it’s almost a certainty.

A 58 old white male involved in a national news shooting when we have stories this week of the govt desiring to link social security with whether someone is competent for owning a gun? Yeah a little too convenient..

Member of a FAKE Tea Party group run by a lawer who doesn’t pay his bills and belives in big government. Does that sound like a Tea Party member to you? Other REAL Tea Party members are even saying he’s fake.

And then the shooter. A guy who is reportedly homeless yet he’s staying in a Motel 6 and has a handgun and wigs and disguises and he supposedly used to own a bar and several business but he disappears off the radar sometime in 2006? Really? You know what this sounds like? A spec op. You know who else has disappears off the grid for years? Spooks. And they borrow other people’s identities or use fake ones that are completely fabricated that the feds create for them through credit agencies. I know this for a fact. Does all of this sound like bull$hit to you? It should.

FBI agents discussing how to plant evidence to frame Tea Party, probably.

FBI agents discussing how to plant evidence to frame Tea Party, probably.

But one thing is absolutely, totally, incontrovertibly clear. Everything would have been perfectly fine if more people in the theater had been armed and prepared to return fire.

Gun-free zone?

The safest place for a criminal is a gun-free zone. The safest place for Conservatives (good guys) is where an abundance of guns can be found. Killings at gun shows and gun ranges are close to non-existent.

Criminals flourish when law-abiding Patriots are unarmed. My church of Christ congregation here in Texas is NOT a gun-free zone. The preacher always places his gun in a shelf under the pulpit and most members are armed during services. We’ve never had an incident like that in Charleston. Should a leftist come in and try to do such a thing, he’ll be graveyard dead thanks to a flurry of hot lead in the head. Praise the Lord

More guns, yes, of course. That’s the answer. If only this country had a cadre of brave, patriotic, armed American citizens willing to park their asses in lawn-chairs outside movie theaters and military recruiting stations — men of iron will and brass buttocks, who know weapons and how to use them (mostly) — men who will lay down their lives and their Big Gulps to protect others (though not quite willing to actually enlist in the military).

Feel safe now?

Feel safe now?

Let’s face it, nothing will make you feel safer after you’ve been attacked by a stranger with a gun than to have multiple strangers with multiple guns loitering around outside your door. Just think how secure you’d feel if this was what you saw when you went to buy your tickets to see Bruce Willis in Pride and Predator 3 (Jane Austen’s back…and this time she’s armed and angry!).

Praise Jeebus, keep your ammunition dry, and always choose the 64 ounce drink (it’s the best value).