standing in the doorway to scientific progress

First Guy — So then, did you hear about this guy from Georgia?

Second Guy — Which guy from Georgia?

First Guy — Him, the guy that’s opposed to human-jellyfish hybrids.

Third Guy — The fuck?

First Guy — Kirby, that’s his name. Tom Kirby. He’s in the Georgia legislature, if you can believe it. Says the people of Georgia are opposed to the mixing of human embryos with jellyfish cells to create glow-in-the-dark humans.

Second Guy — He wouldn’t be a Republican, this Kirby fella, would he?

First Guy — He would.

Third Guy — Can they do that? Can they, the science johnnies? Jam some jellyfish muck into a human embryo and create a…

First Guy — Pffft, don’t be an idjit.

Second Guy — Would this be the same nitwit who wondered if a woman could swallow a wee camera and let doctors do a gynecological exam over them internets?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from Idaho. Also a Republican, though.

Third Guy — Be cool, though, wouldn’t it, if they could. Totally cool. Except for the poor bastard who was out there glowin’ in the dark like some fuckin’ human exit sign.

Second Guy — This wouldn’t be the same nitwit who said parents with sick children shouldn’t be forced to get them medical treatment, would it? The one who said if the children die they’d be with god and all his bright angels?

First Guy — No, that’s an entirely different nitwit. Also from Idaho, though. And yeah, a Republican.

Third Guy — His electricity bills would go down, though, wouldn’t they. The human jellyfish, I mean. Wouldn’t need a readin’ lamp, would he. Be handy for him, though, if he was one of them guys, the ones who explore caves and all? Them plunkers or whatever? Handy for that, glowin’ in the dark.

Second Guy — Would it be the same nitwit who thinks cancer is some class of fungus, then?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from Nevada. Also a Republican, though.

Third Guy — He’d be rubbish as a ninja, though, wouldn’t he.

Second Guy — Would it be the same nitwit, then, the one who thought food workers shouldn’t be forced to wash their hands after using the toilet?

First Guy — No, that nitwit is from North Carolina. And yeah, before you ask, also a Republican.

Third Guy — D’ya reckon he’d be able to sting folks too, this guy, the human jellyfish? Tentacle-thingies at the ends of his fingers. Make it hard to be wearin’ gloves. And countin’ out change? Or playin’ at cards? Screw everything up, that would.

First Guy — Will you shut the fuck up? There isn’t any human jellyfish. There aren’t any glow-in-the-dark humans.

Third Guy — No, and there won’t be so long as your man in Georgia keeps standin’ in the doorway of scientific fuckin’ progress.

Editorial note: The aforementioned nitwits, in order, are Tom Kirby of Georgia, Vito Barbieri of Idaho, Christie Perry of Idaho, and Thom Tillis of North Carolina.

okay, yeah, that’s pretty weird

Let’s just acknowledge that everybody’s life is weird. They’re all weird in different ways, sure — but the weirdness is there. It’s built into the system; you can’t get around it. Most of the time we don’t even notice the weirdness of our own lives. It’s so much easier to see the weirdness of other folks.

Today, though, some of the weirdness of my life bled through. First off, it’s my birthday. That’s not a big deal and there’s nothing weird about it. Everybody has a birthday. The only thing weird about mine is that I happen to be house-sitting for my brother (who is larking about on the beaches of Puerto Vallarta), so I’m sitting here alone in a strange house that’s decorated with about a thousand snowmen. Not actual snowmen (nor those creepy-cool snowmen from Doctor Who), just holiday decoration snowmen.

me in the mirror

It’s also a little weird to get a lot of birthday greetings. The greetings themselves aren’t particularly weird (well, some of them are a tad weird), but as I read through them all I’m reminded that I have a pretty odd range of friends and acquaintances. Lots of writers, lots of artists, lots of librarians, some lawyers, some regular working folks, a few gun nuts, a few scientists and mathematicians, a former nun, lots of tech-related people, some folks who work as advocates for mostly lefty causes. There are more women than men, more liberals than conservatives, more straight folks than gay, more folks from the US than any other place, but all in all it’s a pretty eclectic group.

Most folks just say ‘Happy birthday’ and leave it at that, which is nice and simple and direct. I’m a big fan of simple. One person wants me to use the occasion of my birthday to ‘reflect on your life and this past year, and consider what it’s all meant.’ This person hopes I ‘gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be you’ and wants me to ‘examine what you’re feeling today and why you’re feeling it’. It’s very sincere and earnest and I appreciate this person’s concern — but at the same time I’m thinking ‘Don’t you fucking know me at all?’

Seriously, I can’t remember the last time I felt the need to try to understand what I’m feeling. I figure if I’m feeling it, that’s good enough. And a deeper understanding of what it means to be me? I don’t even know what that means. Don’t get me wrong; it’s sweet that somebody is concerned about my spiritual growth. If that’s what the concern is. But lawdy, I’ve been me my entire life — there’s not much new to learn, and frankly that makes thinking about myself as a person pretty dull. It’s more fun to think about other folks. I’m used to my own patch of weird; I’m a lot more interested in the weirdness of others.

That said, my patch of weird expanded a little today. I discovered that a few days ago I was featured on a website called Nail Art Design. I swear, I am NOT making this up. There’s actually a website about nail art, and there’s actually a photo of me wearing red nail polish and holding a snow shovel.

Let me just repeat that. There’s a photograph of me wearing red nail polish and holding a snow shovel on Nail Art Design.

Even I have to admit that’s a little weird.

a deep, fetid reservoir of stupid

Can somebody in Texas or Washington, DC find Congressman Blake Farenthold and attempt to explain to him the difference between real life and fiction? Because, seriously, there is just no goddamned fucking way this maroon should be sitting on Congressional hearings.

http://youtu.be/84a3qcXAP1s

Let me just repeat the key sentence in that short video:

“Every outbreak novel or zombie movie you see starts with somebody from the government sitting in front of a panel like this saying there’s nothing to worry about.”

I am totally gobsmacked. Not by Farenthold’s total ignorance of Ebola and its transmission vectors — I mean, the guy is a dolt, so I don’t expect him to understand how the Ebola virus actually works. I’m gobsmacked by the fact that he actually really no-shit truly spoke from the bench in a Congressional hearing and without embarrassment or any sense of irony referenced zombie movies in a discussion on health policy oh Jeebus I still can NOT completely believe this.

I’ve written about Farenthold before. I predicted that “he has the potential to some day be known as the Louie Gohmert of South Texas.” But I had no notion his fetid reservoir of stupid ran so deep.

ebolapalooza

Are you ready for this? An elementary school teacher in the small town of Strong, Maine attended the Smarter Balanced Assessment Consortium — an educational conference held at the Hilton Anatole hotel in Dallas, Texas. Dallas is the city in which Texas Health Presbyterian is located. Texas Health Presbyterian is the hospital in which Thomas Eric Duncan was treated for (and died from) the Ebola virus. The Hilton Anatole hotel is almost ten miles from Texas Health Presbyterian hospital.

On her return to Maine, the teacher was placed on a 21-day leave of absence. It takes between two and twenty-one days for a person infected with Ebola to exhibit symptoms.

Strong Elementary School -- Strong, ME.

Strong Elementary School — Strong, ME.

That’s right. The administrators of Maine School Administrative District 58 have placed a teacher on paid leave for being in the same city as an Ebola patient. Why? Because a local parent, Matt Dexter, has a child who is in that teacher’s class. I don’t want to say that Matt Dexter is a complete fucking idjit.

But he is. He complained to the school board:

“[Y]ou sent (this teacher) to a potentially harmful area for exposure, and then to come back and jump into the classroom on Monday seemed a little bit reckless.”

Matt Dexter apparently believes the Ebola virus is very clever — the McGyver of viruses. He seems to think if a patient in an isolation unit coughs or sneezes, those wily Ebola viruses will find a way to escape isolation, sneak out of the hospital, travel ten miles to a nice hotel, infiltrate the hotel’s HVAC ducts, find its way to the room of a visiting teacher from Maine, infect her, then bide its time until she returns to her classroom in Maine, at which point it will leap out and assault his child. Did I mention Matt Dexter is a complete fucking idjit?

“I’m really tired of people telling everyone, on the news, starting at the national level, ‘zero risk, low risk.’ The bottom line is that there is risk. Are we more capable of handling this than Africa? Sure, but why walk around blind and jam people into hot spots we can’t control? It all comes down to personal responsibility.”

You know, maybe the reason everyone is saying there’s a low risk is because there actually is a low risk. And c’mon, ‘low risk’ is an exaggeration. The risk is infinitesimal. Consider this: we had a guy with active Ebola symptoms at large in Dallas for two days, then hospitalized in a facility completely unprepared to treat Ebola — and yet only two other people have tested positive for the virus. The four people who actually shared living quarters with Thomas Eric Duncan while he was symptomatic — the period when he was most contagious — are about to be released from quarantine; they’ve shown no sign of being infected. Why? Because Ebola, despite being incredibly infectious, just isn’t very transmissible.

Possible route taken by wily Ebola virus intent on infecting teachers from Maine

Possible route taken by wily Ebola virus intent on infecting teachers from Maine

And yet Matt Dexter, of Strong, Maine, is about to piss his pants in panic because his child’s teacher happened to spend a few days in the same city as an Ebola patient. But hey, he’s right — it DOES all come down to personal responsibility. Matt Dexter is personally responsible for educating himself before panicking — and he failed in that responsibility. He’s personally responsible for teaching his child the difference between rational fears and irrational fears — and he failed in that. He’s personally responsible for being a role model for his child — and guess what, he failed at that too. Matt Dexter has a personal responsibility NOT to be a complete fucking idjit. Failed.

I feel sorry for the teacher. But even more, I feel sorry for Matt Dexter’s child. All children are, at some point, embarrassed by their parents. But few children have such a legitimate reason to be embarrassed.

what i learned

This morning I waded into the waist-deep pool of bile that is FreeRepublic.com. I do this on a moderately regular basis; it’s like injecting myself with small doses of snake venom in order to develop a resistance to being poisoned. This is what I learned today:

I learned conservatives are furious that President Obama visited Stonehenge following the recent NATO summit. Doubly furious that he wasn’t paying for the entire trip out of his own pocket, and trebly furious that he was allowed inside the ropes. Knowing Obama visited Stonehenge has completely ruined every previous visit to the site.

— Why not? Not his dime and not like anything is going on.

— He wanted the taxpayer to foot the bill. What a narcissist.

— I was there. Now when I look at my photos, I may have the misfortune of thinking of him. (vomit).

— Pagan ritual site, possible human sacrifices … right up his satanic alley.

Apparently pondering a human sacrifice

Apparently pondering a human sacrifice

I learned conservatives still love Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson, the oldest bearded guy from Duck Dynasty (who said Palin ought to be in the White House, though he didn’t say what he thought she should be doing there). Also, I learned it would be cool to kill a lot of ducks at an inauguration. Also too, it’s fun to piss off liberals.

—  Phil Robertson endorsement is as good as it gets. Besides, Sarah IS the best person for the job.

— HeHe! I just invisioned at the Inauguration ending with a “Release of the Ducks” and Sarah & Phil whip out shotguns and blast lunch out of the sky.

— Not only would she be a fantastic President, but best of all she drives liberals into seizures. Oh man, to see that everyday, see them walking around red-faced with steam coming out there ears? Like winning the lottery! And any and all criticism of her we can say it again: You libs are sexist!

Apparently the best person for the job

Apparently like winning the lottery

I learned many conservatives see Scotland’s independence movement as a model for Texas independence. Also, Scots hate Islam more than the British do. Also too, there is something ‘different’ about Texas. Also too plus, people who live in cities suck.

— Get-R-Done Scotsman. May be awhile, but Texas may be heading down this path as well.

— Why are they going for independence? Because they are fed up with England allowing radical Islam to take root? Good enough reason for me.

— We were a country before we made the decision to become part of the union. It was mexican citizens that kicked that punk Santa Anna out in the first place. There is something different about Texas. We don’t seem to be as eat up with ignorant liberalism as the west coast and the north east. We have a couple of blue spots here and there, but nothing that can’t be taken care of over night if need be.

— It is when you get out in the country you meet the die hard native Texan. Only paralleled by Native Tennesseans, Native Scotsman. These are the folks with honor, vision, heart and determination. I’ve been to Scotland many times. I have good friends residing there. Scrapers.

Apparently Scots are almost as good as Texans

Apparently Scots are almost as good as Texans

I learned conservatives are opposed to gay folks marching in the New York St. Patrick’s Day parade. Also, parades are the work of Satan. Also too, they’re boring. Unless they’re for Alvin York or Charles Lindbergh (which is rather peculiar, considering York was a life-long Democrat who supported government assistance for poor folks, and believed Lindbergh should have been arrested for being a Nazi sympathizer). Also too plus, Democrats like parades. So do tarty celebrities.

— St Patrick deserves more respect than this. It’s a shame that this Godly man’s memory is associated with what he and his God knew to be sin…behavior that brings personal, social, and spiritual death.

— St. Patrick’s Day parades in general have become more about getting plastered and less about celebrating the good works of the saint. By adding the LGBT crowd, the parade in New York is now completely a work of Satan.

— I never liked parades, even as a child. Always thought they were boring. These days parades are all about politics and unions. Democrats love parades. Sort of like the “circuses” in “bread and circuses.” A distraction for the masses from life’s miseries actually created by the Democrats.

— The parades of the Twenties, say the ones for Lindbergh or Sergeant York, would probably have been more exciting. They were actually celebrations of real spontaneous human achievement, people were truly thrilled.

— The older parades likely had more interesting people in the parades as well instead of tarty celebrities and asinine beauty queens.

Apparently parades are boring and Satanic and full of tarty celebrities

Apparently parades are boring and Satanic and full of tarty celebrities

I learned that Barack Obama has declared himself King of America, first by using his authority as Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces to attack ISIS and then by considering what he might do about immigration.

— At the very same press conference where he promised to destroy the Islamic State, Obama again promised to act unilaterally on immigration. “My expectation is that fairly soon, I’ll be considering what the next steps are,” Obama said in response to a question about when he will act on the issue.

— He’s barely qualified to be President of an 8th grade class.

— Will he wear Purple Robes or Leopard Skins ?

— The purple robe would match his purple lips, wouldn’t it?

— Obama is untouchable. He has made the Legislative branch of our government irrelevant. Not one person in Congress will lift a finger to stop him. The news media will not call him out and report the truth. His useless wife has declared herself queen. America now has their own despots like a third world country. I think it is a 50-50 chance these despicable people will ever leave office.

Apparently the president is the king

Apparently the president likes knee-high boots

I learned that it’s imperative that all Americans need to be armed all the time. You know, in case ISIS attacks a local shopping mall.

— ISIS could launch selective sudden violent catastrophic attacks and then withdraw before most of them could be caught due to the massive confusion and chaos. [A]rmed citizens CAN BE EVERYWHERE! What is lacking are policies to integrate the capabilities and willingness of armed citizens to react quickly to support or augment the police or the military in the event of terrorist attacks. And that MUST be a serious consideration going forward!

— When the crap hits the fan and these terrorist animals decide to attack a soft target,Shopping mall,School,Hospital.The Police will not be there to protect the Public.

— The thought that an attack could come at virtually any time and any place is enough for me. Efforts to disarm citizens while downplaying the risks is nothing short of sinister in my mind. Add the “open borders” policy and it actually looks like this administration is not only inviting terrorists, but is hoping they attack.

— Imagine the guilt you would feel if you came upon a terrorist act about to begin and you didn’t carry that day.

Apparently ISIS has plans to assault the shampoo aisle

Apparently ISIS has plans to assault the housecleaning aisle

I learned that the risk of ISIS attacking a major shopping mall in the United States can be thwarted by ordinary folks toting firearms and by refusing them parking spaces.

Apparently terrorists prefer free parking

Apparently terrorists prefer free parking

Basically, I learned that an awful lot of conservatives are pretty much scared of everything. Except guns. And white folks with guns. And Scotland. They like Scotland. There are a lot of white folks in Scotland. Not many guns, though. So there’s room for improvement, I guess.

But let me also say this. Mixed in with all the Second Amendment Nutjobs and the Racists and the Anti-Feminist Women Haters and the Conspiracy Theorists and the Virulent Homophobes and the Climate Change Deniers, there are a few intelligent, principled conservatives. There are people who accept evolution as a fact, people who see no reason why gay folks shouldn’t get married, who acknowledge that human activity really does influence the environment, that Muslims have rights, that working class women ought to get paid as much as men, and that Barack Obama is a U.S. citizen.

Of course, they still hate Obama with a white-hot fury. But hey, it’s a start.

war on white folks

I have to say, I’m a little irritated about this. There’s a war on white folks taking place, and nobody even bothered to tell me about it. Nobody. As a white folk myself (I have photographs to prove it), this is pretty discouraging. I mean, c’mon…I’m white, for Pete’s sake. People are supposed to tell me these things.

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Alabama) being all thoughtful about issues of race and stuff.

Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Alabama) being all thoughtful about issues of race and stuff.

Seriously, if it wasn’t for the courage of whistleblower Congressman Mo Brooks, I’d have gone about my daily white activities (getting my shoes polished, buying various foodstuffs I can eat with mayonnaise, lobbying Congress, etc.) totally unaware that Democrats were waging war against me (and other white folks too). Brooks (who, coincidentally, is white) revealed this information in an interview with white radio host Laura Ingraham:

“[T]he war on whites that’s being launched by the Democratic Party. And the way in which they’re launching this war is by claiming that whites hate everybody else. It’s part of the strategy that Barack Obama implemented in 2008, continued in 2012, where he divides us all on race, on sex, greed, envy, class warfare, all those kinds of things.”

Oh man, that Obama. I should’ve known it was his fault. He’s not a white folk, by the way, even though he’s the president (how did that happen, anyway; seems pretty suspicious to me). But it’s pretty clear (to white folks at least)  Obama couldn’t possibly understand the plight of white folks in America. He can’t understand the pressure we’re under, trying to maintain some reasonable (and by ‘reasonable’ I mean ‘white’) standards of decency. I mean, sure, Obama plays at golf…but does anybody check his scorecard when he’s finished?

President Barack Obama (I think...maybe...close enough).

President Barack Obama (I think…maybe…close enough).

Congressman Brooks, he understands us. Us being the white folks the Democrats are making war against. Brooks isn’t just white, he’s also a lifelong Republican. And he’s from Alabama. You can’t get much whiter than that. Unless you’re from Idaho. Or maybe Alaska. Those places are pretty white, so like Brooks says, they don’t have any problems with race. Or sex, or greed, or envy. Or class either. None of those things that Obama is using to divide America. Also, Nebraska. And Kansas, I guess. They seem pretty normal too. And by ‘normal’ I mean…well, you know.

Anyway, white Congressman Brooks went on to say this:

“Democrats, they have to demagogue on this and try and turn it into a racial issue, which is an emotional issue, rather than a thoughtful issue. If it becomes a thoughtful issue, then we win and we win big. And they lose and they lose big.”

I’m not really sure what demagogue means, but it’s not English so I suspect it’s something perverse. The point being that those pesky Democrats ruin everything. Because they’re emotional and not thoughtful (even though many of them are white). If people would just be more thoughtful about race and less emotional about it, Republicans would win! In other words, if people (and by ‘people’ you know who I mean, right?) would just learn to be as thoughtful as white folks, then everything would be okay. You know, for white folks. Like it’s supposed to be. You know…before the war. Which Republicans didn’t start. Because they’re white.

Congressman Mo Brooks (left) watches a negro.

Congressman Mo Brooks (left) watches a negro.

But now there’s a war. So I guess I should get me a gun. Just in case an emotional Democrat tries to make me approve of gay people having buttsex in church. A church where they perform abortions.

 

a small town in iowa

I can be a terribly annoying traveling companion. Unless I’m in a hurry — and I’m almost never in a hurry — I prefer to travel along secondary highways and county roads. That means driving more slowly on roads that are often poorly maintained; it means getting caught behind tractors for miles; it usually means no fast food for lunch; it means driving through small towns with absurdly conservative speed limits.

But I like the small towns. Small towns can surprise you. There’s always a chance you’ll come across something odd and/or fascinating and/or emotionally moving. On my way toward the Mississippi River last week, I came across a water tower in the shape of a teapot. And a billboard commemorating a local boy who’d been killed in Iraq. And a diner owned and operated by a guy with a hook for a hand. And a town named after a 19th century Muslim religious and military leader.

Elkader, Iowa

Elkader, Iowa

Seriously. I am NOT making this up. I’m talking about Elkader, Iowa, located on the banks of the Turkey River in Pony Hollow. Yes, that’s right — there’s actually a real place called Pony Hollow, through which the Turkey River runs. Elkader’s current population is about 1275, which is only about 800 people more than when the town was founded in 1846. Back then, it was nothing but a gristmill, a sawmill, and a blacksmith shop.

When the local leaders decided to name their new town, they chose to name it after one of the most respected men of the era: Emir Abd-al-Qādir ibn Muhieddine al-Hasani el Djezairi. He was a Sufi scholar, the Commander of the Faithful, a jihadist, an Algerian resistance leader, a poet, and a military leader.

Abdelkader

Abd-al-Qādir ibn Muhieddine al-Hasani el Djezairi

But you can’t name your town Abd-al-Qādir ibn Muhieddine al-Hasani el Djezairiville, no matter how much you respect the guy. Fortunately, he was usually just referred to as Abdelkader. So…Elkader. Which, let’s face it, is still a pretty odd name. So who was this guy? And why would Iowans name their town after him? I’m so glad you asked.

Abdelkader was born in Mascara, Algeria in 1808 (or somewhere around there — 19th century Algerian record-keeping left something to be desired). His father ran a religious school for Sufis, so it’s not surprising Abdelkader was a good student; he could read and write by age 5, and by 14 could recite the entire Qur’an by memory. When he was 17 he set out on the Hajj — the religious pilgrimage all Muslims are expected to make if possible. Afterwards he noodled around the Muslim religious and philosophical world for about five years. He was, it seems, something of a religious nerd.

elkader the dam

Elkader, dam on the Turkey River

In 1830, a few months after Abdelkader got home, France invaded Algeria. At that time, Algeria was ruled by the Ottoman Empire. France wanted to boot the Ottoman tyrants out of Algeria and replace them with…well, French tyrants. The people of Algeria weren’t particularly happy with Ottoman rule, but neither did they want to be ruled by the French. So Abdelkader found himself forced to shed his religious nerd role and start waging a guerrilla war against the infidel French. He became an Algerian nationalist.

And hey, he won. Sort of. For a while. He spanked the French, and at one point Abdelkader controlled a hefty chunk of Algeria. He established a benevolent theocracy; Jews and Christians were not only made welcome, they were given high government positions. He even earned the respect of the French soldiers who fought against him — not just as a warrior, but also as a kind and generous opponent. His treatment of French prisoners of war earned Abdelkader international praise. Although the French soldiers respected him, French leaders didn’t. They initiated a scorched-earth policy against the territories controlled by Abdelkader. The French destroyed the houses and farms of civilians, they burned the crops and slaughtered the livestock.

So after 17 years of fighting, Abdelkader surrendered. He was imprisoned in France for half a decade, then released on the condition that he never return to Algeria.

elkader stairs

Elkader, stairs to the river walkway

He settled in Damascus, Syria and lived there in relative peace. Then in 1860 a conflict between Muslims and Christians broke out in other parts of Syria. The fighting spread rapidly; almost 400 Christian communities were destroyed, and maybe 20,000 Christians were killed.

When the conflict reached Damascus, Abdelkader intervened. He and his children and his followers went into the streets and rescued local Christians at great personal risk. He brought as many as possible into his home and his gardens and his courtyard — nuns, merchants, laborers, artisans, any Christian who was in danger. And he kept them safe.

Abd-al-Qādir saving the Christians of Damascus

Abd-al-Qādir saving the Christians of Damascus

News of this spread, and Christians all over the world rushed to embrace Abdelkader. Greece bestowed on him the Grand Cross of the Redeemer (a poor grasp of irony, the Greeks). The Ottoman Empire issued him the Order of the Medjidie, First Class. The Vatican gave him the Order of Pius IX. The parliament of Great Britain sent Abdelkader a gold-inlaid shotgun. Not to be outdone, President Abraham Lincoln sent him a pair of inlaid pistols. Even France, which had imprisoned him and condemned him to exile, gave him the Grand Cross of the Légion d’honneur and offered him a pension (they didn’t let him return to Algeria, though — they’re French, not stupid).

And in Iowa, they named a town after him. It’s not what you’d call a great town. It’s a tad beat-up. A little worn with age. Not very well-maintained. But the river is nice, and the bluffs that surround the town are picturesque. And they have a very fine stone bridge. Elkader is very proud of its bridge, and they want visitors to know it’s the largest stone double-arch bridge west of the Mississippi. Being west of the Mississippi is pretty important to the good people of Elkader; they also want folks to know they have the oldest continuously operated grocery store west of the Mississippi (Wilke’s Grocery, if you’re really curious).

Elkader, houses along the Turkey River

Elkader, houses along the Turkey River

For the most part, Elkader is just another small Midwestern country town. But the guys who named it did a better job than they could have imagines. The town’s name draws a small but steady stream of Algerian visitors. Algerian immigrants, Algerians touring the U.S., second and third generation Algerian-Americans. They all come to see the Iowa town named for one of their national heroes. One Algerian-American came to visit, and decided to stay. He and his partner opened an Algerian restaurant — Schera’s. Did I mention this guy is not only Algerian by birth, but also a Sufi Muslim? And he’s gay.

Yes, there’s a gay-owned Algerian restaurant in a small Iowa town named after an Islamic insurgent. And the remarkable thing about that fact? It doesn’t seem to be that big a deal. Oh, sure, there are some local folks who dislike the name of the town, and tried to change it after the 9/11 attacks (Elkader, they complained, sounds too much like al-Qaeda). And yeah, there are some folks who dislike gay people. And yes, there are even some people who object to the ‘foreignness’ of the food served at Schera’s. But basically nobody pays much attention to the people who make a fuss. The town has always been called Elkader, gay folks have been legally getting married in Iowa for half a decade, and you either like Algerian food or you don’t. No big deal.

Elkader, bridge donation box

Elkader, bridge donation box

That’s just the way things are. They really are proud of their bridge, though, and with good reason. It really is a very fine bridge, east or west of the Mississippi. If you ever happen to find yourself in Elkader, they accept donations to maintain the bridge. Drop a buck or two in the box. It’s what Emir Abd-al-Qādir ibn Muhieddine al-Hasani el Djezairi would do.

it’s american spring, bitches

You know what day today is? Okay, yeah, it’s Friday, but that’s not what I meant. I meant do you know what day today is? Yeah yeah, it’s the 16th of May, but that’s not what I meant either. I meant do you know what DAY it…okay, Jeebus on an ant hill, never mind, I’ll just tell you.

american spring

Today is the first day of Operation American Spring, bitches. I already told you about this. How could you forget that this is the day American Patriots will gather in the millions and shut down the nation’s capital? Gathering in the goddamn millions, people. Gathering in Washington, District of Communists, and they intend to stay and occupy the city until the Tyrant Baraq Hussein ‘The Bamz’ Obama is forced out of office.

The organizer of Operation American Spring, Colonel Harry Riley (Commander, Planet Skaro Expeditionary Force, Ret.), had predicted thirty million people would show up in the District of Constipation today. That’s a lot of people. All of whom are totally dedicated to kicking the Bamz’s black ass restoring decency and honor to Our Government of These United States.

american spring harry riley

However, many Patriots have been called to defend freedom elsewhere. There are SO many places in America where freedom is in danger from gun-hating gay atheists and other hybrid-driving traitors. It keeps Patriots busy. For example, Captain Karl’s many Operation Bundy Freedom units will be unable to lend their manly support to Operation American Spring, because they need to be deployed

…to BUNKERVILLE to execute THE BUNKERVILLE PLAN, so that all Washington D.C. usurpations and spending are restored to the States and the people, all Federal Agencies are kicked out of our home Countries and so that our American Middle Class family weekly paychecks are DOUBLED in size, restoring our local home town and city economies.

So there’s four or five fat white guys several thousand Patriots who’ll be unable to assist Col. Riley in his occupation of Washington, District of Corruption.

These brave Patriots are well aware of the risks they’re taking. Terry Trussell, Chief of Staff for Operation American Spring, has alerted the Patriot Nation that at the very least they’ll be facing “people from the liberal-left-progressive side, the Marxists, the anti-freedom and liberty people.” Worst case scenario, according to Trussell, would involve a drone strike. But Trussell is pretty sure that a drone strike would backfire (so to speak):

“[T]hey can pull in drones, but when the government destroys the capital just to get rid of us, I think it’s going to work to their discredit.”

He has a point. Destroying the entire District of Colonoscopies would likely discredit the Bamz Regime. Of course, the Gaystream Media would probably cover it up.

drone strike

“Take that, Patriots of Operation American Spring!” said Bamz

Still, despite these unavoidable setbacks, Col. Riley fully expects enough Patriots to face the risks and challenges. He’s confident they’ll occupy the capital.

“We are intending to field about 10-20 million people in Washington, D.C. and we’re going to close it down. We are going to circulate, clear out into Maryland and Virginia. We will have a gigantic, massive rally on May 16. Then some of those people will have to go home, they have to work.”

So the number of Patriots may dwindle somewhat after this weekend, because, you know…somebody’s got to pay the rent. But there will still be millions of Prayer Warriors lending invisible spiritual support to ensure the Usurper-in-Chief will be evicted, tried, convicted, and sentenced for his unconstitutional Muslim Treason. Operation American Spring is…

“…bathed in prayer. We’ve got a tab on our website where we’ve got a list of prayer warriors that are working every day in prayer for us. We’re bathed—it’s under God and we’re going to move up there and trust Him that it will work out because we believe it’s noble, it’s an honorable effort.”

So there’s that. They have a tab on their website. If it appears that there are somewhat fewer that 20,000,000 Patriots in Washington, District of Castration, just know that all those Prayer Warriors are there in spirit, singing the Operation American Spring jingle.

All the best revolutions have a jingle. The French have La Marseillaise. During the Spanish Civil War they sang A las Barricadas. And the Maoists sang that catchy little tune, The Sky Above the Liberated Zone.

https://soundcloud.com/rightwingwatch/jingle-for-operation-american-spring

Years from now, when you’re old and weary, wearing a diaper and sitting on the porch, watching to your snot-nosed grandchildren play ‘Patriots and Negro Traitors’ on the lawn during the May 16th Day of Independence Celebration, you’ll be quietly humming the Operation American Spring Jingle, and wishing you’d been there, in Washington, DC, the day Bamz Was Booted from America.