texas, i declare

Posted on August 27, 2013 by greg

Fucking Texas. You know, I really want to like Texas. I really do. I have friends who deliberately live there. I’ve been there my ownself on occasion and mostly enjoyed it. It’s one of the very few states in the U.S. that can be accurately described as iconic. You know — cowboys, longhorns, oil, the open range, all that stuff.

I really want to like Texas, but over the last couple of decades it’s become a sinkhole where politics and religion combine with deep imbecility to form an impenetrable block of stupid. The mass of the stupidity of Texas is so dense it could bend light.

You may remember back in April of this year when a fertilizer plant in West, Texas exploded, killing 15 people (several of whom were firefighters responding to a fire at the plant), injuring more than 300 others, destroying or severely damaging around 150 buildings, and causing US$135 million in damages.

We don’t know what started the initial fire at the fertilizer plant. The reason we don’t know is that the explosion caused by the stored ammonium nitrate was so powerful it destroyed any evidence of the fire. It was so powerful, in fact, that it was recorded by the U.S. Geological Survey as a 2.1-magnitude tremor.

The fertilizer plant was built in 1965. It was last inspected by OSHA in 1985. That’s right, it went uninspected by OSHA for nearly 30 years. Although it had a long record of burglaries and thefts (anhydrous ammonia is used in cooking meth), the plant had no security personnel. They had a permit to store 54,000 pounds of anhydrous ammonia. In fact, it was storing approximately 110,000 pounds, as well as 540,000 pounds of ammonium nitrate. Federal law requires any facility holding more than 400 pounds of ammonium nitrate and a combustible agent (like, say, anhydrous ammonia) to file a report with the Department of Homeland Security. The West, Texas fertilizer plant hadn’t bothered with that. Because, you know…freedom.

What’s left of the West, Texas fertilizer plant

So we’re talking about a facility that was essentially a giant bomb. Located next to an elementary school and an apartment complex for retired folks. And it was last inspected in 1985. Why? Because fucking Texas is pro-business. And pro-freedom.

That’s old news, of course. But yesterday, while all the major news agencies were focused on Miley Cyrus’ ass, the Texas Observer filed a news story: State Agencies Meet Resistance in Policing Fertilizer Industry. Here are a couple of sentences from the second paragraph:

The Fire Marshal’s Office has identified 153 facilities in the state that are believed to store ammonium nitrate. Since Texas doesn’t have a state fire code, the fire marshal lacks the authority to conduct inspections if the company resists.

Texas doesn’t have a state fire code. The entire fucking state…no fire code. Not only that, it’s actually illegal for 173 of Texas’ 254 counties to adopt a fire code. It seems only Texas counties with populations above 250,000 can legally adopt their own fire code. Those counties with more than a quarter of a million people aren’t required to have a fire code because, you know…freedom. But they can. If they want to. If they’re pussies.

Of the 153 facilities believed to be storing ammonium nitrate (they don’t even know for sure how many facilities are storing it), the Fire Marshal has been allowed to inspect only 62. Allowed. Because Texas is pro-business, and has no fire code, so the Fire Marshal has no authority to inspect any plant without an invitation. Five fertilizer plants completely refused an inspection. Because, you know…freedom again.

West, Texas fertilizer plant explosion

But hey, the Texas legislature is having a hearing on the matter. So that’s something, right? That’s a start. It’s a beginning. It’s a move toward insuring public safety. So there’s that. Right?

Nope.

Much of the hearing was dominated by Republican lawmakers worried about burdening fertilizer businesses with new requirements. Rep. Dan Flynn, R-Canton, said while he respected the victims of the West tragedy, the industry has been doing a “pretty good job of policing themselves” and voluntarily submitting reports. “If we’re not careful we could get like the federal government and try to put diapers on cows,” he said.

Diapers on cows. If the Great State of Texas tried to limit the ability of fertilizer plants to store tons of massively explosive chemicals, it would be a burden on business. And Texas is pro-business. Seriously, if you allow the government to put restrictions on which plants can store explosive, you might just as well put diapers on cows — because that’s what would come next. (Dan Flynn, by the way, is the Texas legislator who tried to reduce the number of training hours required to get a concealed weapon permit from ten to four, because, you know…freedom.)

Texas Republican Dan ‘Diapers on Cows’ Flynn

Unfortunately, the Texas legislature won’t be able to reach any real decision on how to deal with fertilizer plant safety during this legislative session. But they’ll address the issue again in the next regular session. Which is scheduled for January, 2015. (Governor Rick Perry may call for yet another special session, but only to deal with imposing even stricter legal restrictions on the few remaining women’s health centers that provide abortion services, because, you know…~~freedom~~ Texas is pro-life.)

Siren

Posted on February 4, 2013 by greg

So. My fingernails. They’re red. Bright red. Incredibly fucking red. I have incredibly fucking red fingernails. I’m typing this with fingers that have incredibly fucking red nails. It’s really distracting.

Last night, during the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl, while it looked like San Francisco might actually make a comeback, I had my fingernails painted incredibly fucking red. The actual shade of red, according to the label on the bottle, is Siren. No, I’m not making that up. Siren. Also on the label is a warning:

Avoid Heat and Flame

For all I know, Heat and Flame may be other shades of red. And if they’re redder than Siren, you can bet your ass I’ll avoid them. But I assume the manufacturers of Siren are actually warning me NOT to put the bottle of fingernail polish in a fire. I hadn’t even considered putting the bottle in a fire — not until they told me NOT to. Now it seems like it might be an interesting experiment.

why yes, my fingernails ARE incredibly fucking red

You may be wondering why I had my fingernails Sirenized. I got to confess, there were moments when I wonder that my ownself. I did it for an Iron Photographer photo. I have discussed the IP process before. I can’t even begin to tell you about the phenomenally stupid shit I’ve done for Iron Photographer photographs. I need to point out that Iron Photographer is about creating artful photographs, not about doing stupid shit. But it’s surprising how often the process involves some degree of stupid shit.

This time it involved Siren. And a shovel. Seriously, it always makes sense while you’re putting the photo together. It’s only when you look at it afterwards that you begin to ask yourself “What the HELL was I thinking?”

Now I have to figure out how to remove this incredibly fucking red nail polish before I can leave the house. Or answer the door (I have an order of Thin Mints scheduled to be delivered and I do NOT want to have Siren-red nails when I’m handing over some cash to the poor innocent Girl Scout. Or her mother).

a quick response…

Posted on January 21, 2013 by greg

…to the guy (I assume it’s a guy) who sent me an email me saying

[T]here’s nothing paranoid about standing up against tyranny. obama is paranoid about an armed citizenry and wants us disarmed.

Dude, look up ‘tyranny’ in the dictionary. The fact that you can, without fear of reprisal, publicly call the President of the United States a tyrant is confirmation that you’re NOT living under tyranny. The fact that on Gun Appreciation Day groups of people all over the United States were able to peaceably assemble in public and openly denounce the elected leader of the nation in the most objectionable terms is a testament to the fact that you’re not living under tyranny.

The fact that THIS guy is still free to walk the streets and continue to post videos and own firearms (even if he’s not legally allowed to carry them concealed at the moment) is verification that you’re not living under tyranny.

And another thing — the fact that you think you’re living under tyranny is evidence that you’re paranoid.

finger demons

Posted on January 18, 2013 by greg

“There is evil prowling in the world…”

Evil, you guys! Evil, right out there in the world, just a-prowling along, according to Rick Perry, the Republican Governor of Texas. You can be assured, Gov. Perry knows evil when he sees it, and he knows where it comes from: it comes from demons.

“Guns require a finger to pull the trigger. The sad young man who did that in Newtown was clearly haunted by demons.”

Demons, you guys! Demons in that kid’s trigger finger! Can you eradicate demons with laws? Why no, you cannot. But so long as demons inhabit the trigger fingers of weak and wicked people who have access to innocent firearms, something must be done. We cannot stand idly by and allow these horrific finger-related tragedies to continue. Gov. Rick Perry, Texas Republican, knows how to fight demons:

“Let us all return to our places of worship and pray for help. Above all, let us pray for our children.”

I know. I know you were expecting Gov. Rick Perry of Texas to take a more active stance against demonic-possessed trigger fingers. You were maybe expecting him to advocate amputation of the offending digit. So was I — I totally thought R. Perry, the elected Republican Governor of Texas, was going to be all “Off with their fingers!” But no. Texas Gov. Perry is taking a more modest, non-confrontational approach. We can pray the demons right out of those fingers. You know…to protect the children.

Gov. Rick Perry of Texas and his demon-free Republican finger protecting children

In related news, tomorrow is the First Annual Gun Appreciation Day. Oh, we’re happy to show how much we care about the victims of finger-demon violence, but Americans have been reluctant to demonstrate just how much we esteem and cherish guns. That ends tomorrow, you guys.

Some of you may feel it’s inappropriate to hold Gun Appreciation Day 48 hours before Martin Luther King Day. But Larry Ward, the singular genius behind Gun Appreciation Day, is convinced Dr. King would be totally honored by having his birthday associated with Gun Appreciation Day. In an interview on CNN, Ward (and I don’t know his political affiliation, but I’m willing to guess he’s a Republican — though he may not be from Texas) said this:

“I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”

You guys, if he hadn’t been shot down in cold blood is there any doubt that Martin Luther King would agree that had slave-owners issued firearms to their slaves, then maybe slavery wouldn’t exist and lawdy I think I got stupider just writing that.

Larry Ward is one of the most passionate, if inarticulate, spokesmen for responsible gun ownership. In the following interview with a citizen-journalist, Ward argues:

“[W]e can’t stop them from grabbing a weapon and walking into a school or a private place or a post office or a mall.”

By ‘them’ Ward means felons and the mentally ill (and presumably people possessed by finger demons, though he failed to address that particular issue). And because we can’t stop them, there’s no point in passing legislation that might stop them. Obviously. Here’s the interview:

He’s pretty charismatic, that Larry Ward, isn’t he. You’re probably thinking tomorrow’s Gun Appreciation Day will be massively popular with everybody. But no! You guys, there are people out there who apparently don’t appreciate guns. Seriously, I’m not making that up. In fact, a group called United for Change USA has offered a petition to prevent Gun Appreciation Day from taking place. In their petition, they say:

This is an outrage and a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom!

Clearly, the best way to respond to a slap in the face to Americans who value life and freedom is to prevent people you disagree with from expressing their point of view.

I may attend the local Gun Appreciation Day event tomorrow. Not because I appreciate guns all that much, but because I appreciate free speech a lot. But first I’ll need to wrap my fingers in tin-foil dipped in holy water. I don’t want any pesky finger demons to disrupt my appreciation of guns.

thanks, but no

Posted on January 1, 2013 by greg

Thank you very much for asking, but no.

No, I will not ‘Get Fit in 2013‘ with you. No thank you, I will not join a ‘Fit Photographers’ discussion group. No, please accept my apologies, but I will not be ‘Cycling for the Heart’ this year. No, I do most sincerely appreciate your interest, but ‘Eating Healthy in the New Year‘ is not on my agenda. I don’t even have an agenda for the new year. I don’t even have an agenda for today.

So, no. Thank you for asking, but no. Now please, shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

I’ll continue to walk a lot, but not because it’s good for me. I’ll walk because I enjoy it. I like the pace of walking. Sometimes I’ll walk quickly, but more often I’ll stroll. Or meander. Or dawdle. Because I like to look at stuff. I may interrupt my walk for five, ten, or thirty minutes to watch some ants trying to carry a dead caterpillar. That’s why I’m walking — because watching ants tote a dead caterpillar across a sidewalk is a lot more interesting to me than my body mass index.

I’ll continue to ride my bicycle a lot, but not because it’s good exercise. I’ll ride my bike because riding a bike is fun. I’ll ride my bike to the market, but not to conserve fuel or save the environment. Those are good things. to be sure, and very commendable. I’m a big fan of conserving fuel and saving environments. But I’m riding because getting on a bike makes me feel like I’m twelve years old. I’m not going to be maintaining a certain pace, I’m not going to be trying to burn calories, I’m not going to be seeking out hills because they offer a challenge. If I ride up a hill, it’ll be because the damned hill is in my way. I’m much more interested in getting to the other side of the hill than in my ‘optimal heart rate while exercising.’

I’ll continue to cook the foods I want and eat them because I enjoy them. I won’t count calories, I won’t pay attention to how much salt or sugar there is, I’ll use real butter, I’ll eat fish because I like fish, I’ll eat pork because I was raised by a Southern woman, I won’t eat a lot of red meat because I don’t like a lot of red meat, I’ll eat glutens because I don’t know what a fucking gluten is and I’m not going to bother to learn, I’ll eat veggie burgers because I like they way they taste, I’ll eat organic foods if they’re available and I can afford them because they usually taste better, I’ll eat whatever I think might taste good even if it’s not healthy and even if it’s actively bad for me. I like food.

My body is not a temple. I have absolutely no interest in living in a temple. You know what my body is? It’s an alley.

It’s a pretty clean alley, but it’s an alley. The buildings are old and beat up, but they’re still standing. There are some weeds and oil stains and odd bits of wiring hanging loose here and there, and it’s been patched up a few times, but that’s what happens, right? Here’s the thing: you can relax in an alley. It’ll never be pretty, but it can be tidied up. You can’t relax in a temple, unless you’re a priest — and even then you have to be on your best behavior. Nobody has to be on their best behavior in an alley.

Okay, that alley metaphor? It’s kind of stupid. Mostly I just wanted to include a photo in this post and when I was looking through my files and saw the alley photo, I thought of the analogy. So I decided to use it. That’s pretty much my approach to staying fit too. If I do something healthy, it’s usually because it doesn’t conflict with something else I’m doing. The fact is, I’m moderately healthy — but being healthy isn’t a goal; it’s a side effect. Maybe if I ever become actually unhealthy that’ll change. But for now, no.

So really, thanks for all the good thoughts for the coming year, and thanks for being concerned about my physical well-being, and thanks for inviting me to become or stay healthy with you. It’s very sweet and thoughtful. But no.

I thank you, and again I thank you. But no.

asshole dentist v. hot dental assistant

Posted on December 22, 2012 by greg

James Knight is a dentist in Fort Dodge, Iowa and a good family man. We know he’s a good family man because he fired his dental assistant of ten years because she was “irresistible” and therefore a threat to his marriage.

No, I’m not making this up. Melissa Nelson had been Dr. Knight’s assistant for just over a decade. For most of that time, there was no problem.

Dr. Knight admits that Nelson was a good dental assistant. Nelson in turn acknowledges that Dr. Knight generally treated her with respect, and she believed him to be a person of high integrity.

Ms. Nelson stated she thought of Knight as “a friend and father figure.” But over the last year and a half of her employment, Knight began to behave in a rather unfatherly way. He complained that her “clothing was too tight and revealing and ‘distracting.’” So distracting in fact, that he was forced to talk to her about it.

Dr. Knight acknowledges he once told Nelson that if she saw his pants bulging, she would know her clothing was too revealing.

On one occasion he texted her after work, stating the shirt she’d worn that day was too tight. When she disagreed, he texted her that…

it was a good thing [she] did not wear tight pants too because then he would get it coming and going.

Ms. Nelson denies any of her work attire was inappropriate in any way. So she was surprised a couple years ago when she was called into Dr. Knight’s office at the end of the workday and was told she was being fired. Knight had the pastor of his church in the office with him, and he read a prepared statement to Ms. Nelson.

The statement said, in part, that their relationship had become a detriment to Dr. Knight’s family and that for the best interests of both Dr. Knight and his family and Nelson and her family, the two of them should not work together.

Then Knight gave her an envelope with a month’s wages and showed her the door. That night her husband (both Knight and Nelson are married and have children; Knight’s wife also works at her husband’s dental office) called Knight, and they arranged to meet. Again, Knight brought the pastor of his church to the meeting.

In the meeting, Dr. Knight told Steve Nelson that Melissa Nelson had not done anything wrong or inappropriate and that she was the best dental assistant he ever had. However, Dr. Knight said he was worried he was getting too personally attached to her. Dr. Knight told Steve Nelson that nothing was going on but that he feared he would try to have an affair with her down the road if he did not fire her.

Seriously. This asshole fired her because he was afraid he’d try to have an affair with her. So she did the reasonable thing. She sued his ass.

Let me interrupt myself and say something about the Iowa Supreme Court. It has a long and venerable history of standing up for civil rights. The very first decision the court issued was In Re the Matter of Ralph (a colored man), in which the court found that a Missouri slave residing in the ‘free territory’ of Iowa could not be returned to his owner — that simply by living in Iowa Ralph was a free man. This was 18 years before the US Supreme Court heard a similar case (Dred Scott) but ruled in favor of the slave owner. This was 22 years before the beginning of the American Civil War.

In 1868, their decision in the case of Clark v. The Board of Directors ruled that racially segregated ‘separate but equal’ schools for children had no place in Iowa’s educational system. It took the US Supreme Court another 85 years to reach the same conclusion in Brown v. Board of Education.

In 1869, when Arabella Mansfield sued the Iowa Bar Association for denying her the right to practice law, the decision by the Iowa Supreme Court made Iowa the first state in the union to admit women to the practice of law.

In 2009 the Iowa Supreme Court unanimously ruled against legislation banning same-sex marriage, making Iowa the fifth state in the union to permit same-sex couples to marry.

The Iowa Supreme Court, when given a chance to stand up for the oppressed, for the marginalized, for the disadvantaged and downtrodden and mistreated, has always made the difficult but right decision. Until now.

Ms. Nelson’s suit argued that she’d been unlawfully terminated because of her gender. She made three main points against Dr. Knight and her termination. She argued that:

any termination because of a boss’s physical interest in a subordinate amounts to sex discrimination: “Plaintiff’s sex is implicated by the very nature of the reason for termination.” Second, she suggests that without some kind of employee misconduct requirement, Dr. Knight’s position becomes simply a way of enforcing stereotypes and
permitting pretexts: The employer can justify a series of adverse employment actions against persons of one gender by claiming, “My spouse thought I was attracted to them.” Third, she argues that if Dr. Knight would have been liable to Nelson for sexually harassing her, he should not be able to avoid liability for terminating her out of fear that he was going to harass her.

In effect, Melissa Nelson’s position was that she didn’t do anything to get herself fired except to exist as a woman.

And the Iowa Supreme Court? It dismissed her suit. It ruled in favor of Dr. Knight. Despite the fact that everybody involved agrees Ms. Nelson did nothing wrong, it ruled in favor of Knight. Despite the fact that the Court itself referred to “Dr. Knight’s unfair decision to terminate Nelson (while paying her a rather ungenerous one month’s severance)” they ruled in his favor.

Iowa Supreme Court

Why? Because her termination from employment wasn’t “based on gender itself” but was a decision “driven entirely by individual feelings and emotions regarding a specific person.” Their ruling was apparently grounded in the notion that there were several other women working in Dr. Knight’s office, and he didn’t fire them. He only fired the woman he was afraid he’d try to sleep with. She wasn’t fired because of her gender, according to the court, but was apparently fired because she was smoking hot. And that, I guess, is okay.

It should be noted, though, that of the seven judges who voted to overturn Iowa’s ban on gay marriage, only one remains on the bench. The others were replaced after Republicans raised massive amounts of money to defeat them. This is now an all-male court in which the majority of the judges were appointed by a Republican governor. So maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised.

this guy…

Posted on October 7, 2012 by greg

Here’s a question: why do we bother to have a House Committee on Science and Technology if we’re going to assign people like Paul Broun, Jr. to sit on it? This is a committee that helps establish and oversee policy decisions dealing with (surprise) science and technology. And this guy…

Representative Paul Broun, Jr. – Republican, Georgia

…this guy thinks the Earth is “about 9,000 years old.” Seriously. This guy believes evolution is a lie “straight from the pit of Hell.” He believes climate change is a “hoax” and is part of a conspiracy “perpetrated out of the scientific community” in order to…well, it’s not quite clear exactly what this conspiracy is attempting to do. Something sciencey. But whatever it is, the scientific community’s purpose is evil and wicked, and this guy doesn’t like it..

This isn’t Broun’s only controversial position. He claimed President Obama’s call for a civilian national service corps was “exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it’s exactly what the Soviet Union did.” He believes the president is a Marxist. When the Centers for Disease Control instituted a campaign to promote a healthy diet, Broun told his constituents the government was going “to force you to eat more fruits and vegetables. They gonna be calling you to make sure you eat fruits and vegetables, every day.” He attempted to defund the enforcement provisions of the 1965 Voting Rights Act. Broun believes Social Security is “unconstitutional,” as is the entire 16th Amendment to the Constitution (that’s the one that allows Congress to levy an income tax). He doesn’t appear to understand that when you amend the Constitution, that amendment is, by definition, constitutional — and yet Broun himself wanted to amend the Constitution to permit castration of people convicted of raping a child under age 16. And at a town meeting, when one of his constituents asked “Who is going to shoot Obama” (and the people attending laughed), Broun’s only response was “I know people are frustrated.”

Oh, and he’s a born-again Baptist married to his fourth wife.

He’s been re-elected twice. And the Republicans have put this guy on the House Committee on Science and Technology.

unasked questions

Posted on October 4, 2012 by greg

I love a mystery. I love a mystery so much, I’ll often go out of my way NOT to solve them. Once a mystery is solved, then it’s obviously no longer a mystery.

Yesterday my companion and I stood for a moment on a bridge and watched a young man repeatedly throwing stuff into the river. I assumed it was something like bits of dried bread, maybe to feed the fish. She thought it might be corn or some sort of grain. It wasn’t at all clear. Not a huge mystery, but enough to make me want a closer look.

We followed the stairs down to the river and I asked the young man what he was throwing into the river. He said, “Candy.” He showed me his knapsack, which contained a plastic shopping bag full of small individual-sized packets of M&Ms. He also had a box filled with packets of some other candy.

“Is this for the fish?” I asked. He spoke in a half-whisper, saying something that included the word fish, but I couldn’t quite understand him. He seemed mildly reluctant to look at me, but was certainly polite and patient and quite willing to answer questions. Rather than pester him, though, I simply said “Enjoy yourself,” and we continued down the walkway along the river.

Looking back at one point, I noticed him standing and watching us. I held up the camera in what I hoped was a universal ‘Can I take your photograph?’ gesture and waved to him. He waved back, which I chose to interpret as ‘Sure, go ahead.’

The whole thing seemed a wee bit odd, but I figured the guy was possibly developmentally disabled or maybe stoned. Either way, it was no big deal and we continued to walk along the river.

On the walk back, the young man was still there. As we approached he pulled on a bright blue jacket and I decided I was going to ask if I could shoot his photo. Before we got to him, he stepped onto the small sand bar that had formed along the walkway and began burying some things. Digging small holes with his hands, dropping in whatever he was burying, filling the holes, then patting them down tidily.

He’d just finished burying the final thing when we arrived. “Would you mind if I took your photograph?” I asked. I was going to give him my name and hand him my card and explain why I wanted to take his photo — but he just stood up, returned to the walkway, turned and stood there. Like Gort awaiting orders from Klaatu.

Sakim

I just took the one shot. “Can I ask your name?” I said. He spoke very softly. “Sakim.” I showed him the photograph and he smiled. “That’s good,” he said.

I wanted to ask him about the candy again. I wanted to ask him why he was throwing candy to the fish. I wanted to ask him what he was burying in the sand and why he was burying it. But if you ask questions, you get answers and I’m not convinced the answers would have been nearly as intriguing as the questions.

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