technically, it wasn’t an axe

The American People: You knew he was an axe murderer during the primary.

Senate GOP: Nobody expected him to win.

TAP: But he did, and you said nothing.

SGOP: We respect the will of the voters. Mostly. Some of the time.

TAP: You helped elect an axe murderer

SGOP: Technically, it wasn’t an axe. More of a hatchet.

TAP: Axe murderer, hatchet murderer, what’s the difference?

SGOP: An axe requires two hands, whereas a hatchet can be wielded with only…

TAP: IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

SGOP: Oh. We’re just simple Republican Senators. We don’t use big fancy East Coast elite words like…

TAP: You elected a chopping tool murderer.

SGOP: Well, the American people did. Elections have consequences.

TAP: For the last four years you’ve supported an axe…a chopping tool murderer.

SGOP: Not all of us. Some of us remained silent. Nobly silent.

TAP: You are all complicit. You didn’t try to stop him from murdering people with his…you know, chopping tool.

SGOP: Many of us felt he sometimes went a bit too far.

TAP: TOO FAR?

SGOP: We often said he should tone it down, be more presidential.

TAP: He tried to axe murde…use a chopping tool to murder the president of Ukraine.

SGOP: Nobody murdered the president of Ukraine. That’s fake news.

TAP: He TRIED to. He had his chopping tool in his hand when he asked the president of Ukraine for ‘a favor’.

SGOP: But that favor wasn’t granted and yet no axe murder took place. Nor was there any other chopping, hewing, lopping, hacking, severing, or cleaving-related death. No harm, no foul, that’s the law.

TAP: He was impeached for attempting to chopping tool murder the Ukrainian president, and you acquitted him.

SGOP: There wasn’t enough evidence. Besides, we believed he’d learned a valuable lesson and would stop threatening people with an axe. Or other chopping implement.

TAP: HE TRIED TO AXE MURDER DEMOCRACY.

SGOP: Well. But the thing is, he didn’t.

TAP: HE’S STILL TRYING. HE HAS A MOTHERFUCKING AXE AND HE’S SWINGING IT.

SGOP: We need to give him time to come to terms with possibly maybe having been defeated in the recent election. You can’t expect him to be happy about this. In time he’ll graciously accept the possibility of defeat.

TAP: We need to take away his axe NOW. And all his chopping implements. We need to remove him from the White House.

SGOP: That will happen. If it’s determined that he actually lost the election, then we…

TAP: HE LOST THE ELECTION A MONTH AGO.

SGOP: But the Electoral College hasn’t voted yet, so…

TAP: HE’S KILLING PEOPLE RIGHT NOW.

SGOP: Not with an axe. Or other chopping implement.

TAP: He’s doing NOTHING about the Axe Virus Pandemic.

SGOP: Fake news. He stopped the importation of Chinese hatchets. And he’s radically cut the time it takes to produce a vaccine. See what we did there? Cut? Axe? Get it? Hah, we are a hoot.

TAP: This isn’t funny. People are dying.

SGOP: You people have no sense of humor. Bad enough you try to keep people from saying, “Merry Christmas” but now you…

TAP: You need to DO something. This madman has to be stopped.

SGOP: We will. We will act swiftly and deliberately, just as soon as we get back from the holiday recess. Merry Christmas!

6 thoughts on “technically, it wasn’t an axe

    • I know the feeling. I often finish writing stuff for this blog and find myself feeling a bit of self-loathing. Making light of or being snarky about how truly awful things are seems wrong and cheap, but I don’t want to be too depressing.

      And besides, I’m generally a stupidly cheerful person.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Only 27 of the GOP have accepted that the axe murderer needs to leave, at this moment the rest are complicit in trying to axe murder democracy, and in fact have at least one hand on the handle because they know that winning in this moment will turn this country into the fascist state they want. That’s the only explanation I can find for their current silence.

    Liked by 2 people

    • If they don’t have a hand on the axe, they helped sharpen it. Or handed it to him. Or at the very least, they didn’t stand in the way of him picking it up. They’re all complicit — the ones who have stayed silent since the election, the ones who voted to acquit during the impeachment, the ones who issue the mildest possible critiques.

      Liked by 2 people

    • At least once every day for the last several months I have moments of sadness and moments of rage and moments of complete disgust. They’re only moments, though. It’s difficult for me to stay sad or angry for very long.

      Like

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