Democrats: You know, we think Comrade Trump maybe probably did some crimes, so we’re going to investigate.
Republicans: YOU LOST THE ELECTION GET OVER IT!!!
Ds: It appears Trump has possibly violated the Emoluments Clause. And also maybe committed a bit of tax fraud. Plus probably illegally diverted monies from the military by declaring a fake emergency at the border. Also too, maybe illegally dangled pardons to accused criminals in an effort to shape their testimony.
Rs: FAKE NEWS!!!
Ds: Oh, and then there’s that extortion of foreign governments to hurt a possible political rival. That’s on top of the obstruction of justice stuff.
R: YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO OVERTURN THE ELECTION!!!
Ds: There’s a whistleblower, you know.
R: A DEEP STATE LIAR!!! THIRD HAND HEARSAY!!!
Ds: Seems pretty credible, really.
Rs: TRUMP’S PHONE CALL WAS PERFECT!!! HERE’S A COMPLETE TRANSCRIPT!!!
Ds: Well, it’s not really complete, is it. Or even a transcript.
Rs: FAKE NEWS!!! BIDEN’S A CROOK!!!
Ds: We have several career diplomats and foreign service officers who corroborate the whistleblower.
Rs: DEEP STATE TRAITORS!!! NEVER TRUMPERS!!! NO FIRST HAND WITNESSES!!!
Ds: Oh. Okay, here’s a first hand witness.
Rs: HE WAS BORN IN UKRAINE!!! HE SPEAKS UKRANIAN!!! CAN’T BE TRUSTED!!!
Ds: His parents fled Ukraine when he was three to seek freedom. He’s a career military man, a combat veteran who awarded a Purple Heart for his wounds.
Rs: THE HEARINGS ARE HELD IN SECRET!!! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING???!!!
Ds: Republican committee members can attend the hearings and ask questions.
Rs: THERE’S NO FORMAL IMPEACHMENT VOTE!!!
Ds: We don’t need one. But hey, okay, we’ll have a formal vote.
Rs: TOO LATE!!! DEEPSTATETRAITORS!!! WHERE’S THE SERVER???!!! BENGHAZI!!!
Rs: WE NEVER SAID BENGHAZI!!! THE TYPEFACE ON THE IMPEACHMENT HEARING RULES IS WRONG!!! STOP THE WITCH HUNT!!! NO MORE SECRET HEARINGS!!!
Ds: We’re going to start holding public hearings.
Ds: I know, right?
Rs: BOOING PRESIDENTS IS RUDE!!! TRUMP KILLED THAT ISIS GUY!!!
Ds: Well, that was the Army, but yeah, we’re glad al-Baghdadi is no longer a…
Rs: STRANGLED HIM WITH HIS BARE HANDS!!! RIPPED OUT HIS LARYNX WITH HIS TEETH!!!
Rs: WITH HIS TEETH!!!
Ds: Uh, I don’t…
Rs: SHUT UP!!! THERE WAS A DOG!!! A DOG!!!
Rs: WE WIN!!! PRAISE JEEBUS!!! MORE GUNS!!! MAGA!!!