Trump: Hey, I just farted.
Pence: A gentleman doesn’t fart, Mr. President; a gentleman breaks wind.
Trump: No, that was a fart, believe me. My first fart as President. First Oval Office fart, and it was a good one.
Pence: Yes sir. Very powerful. Maybe we should continue discussing your plan to investigate the massive voter fraud. We need to…
Trump: Three to five million illegal votes. I don’t even know what to say. Three to five million. That’s a lot of votes, Lot of votes. Dishonest media keeps…wait. I think I’m going to fart again. Hold on.
Pence: Mr. President, we need to discuss what agency will conduct the investigation. The FBI The DOJ? Maybe the FEC? And we have to determine where the funding will…
Trump: Nope, false alarm. Not a fart. No fart. I don’t care who does the investigation so long as it’s a great investigation. A beautiful investigation with good results. You know who does good investigations? Putin. We should get him on the phone and ask who does his investigations. Those are terrific investigations, over there in Russia. The best.
Pence: I’m not sure what would be wise, Mr. President. If the news media learn we’ve consulted the Russians, they’ll…
Trump: The crooked media, they’re against me, always have been. They don’t want me to succeed, the most crooked, dishonest group of people ever in the history of this great country. Ever in the history. It’s just despicable. Despicable. I was wrong, there’s another fart in there.
Pence: Yes sir, Mr. President. We don’t have to decide on those details today. Why don’t you just sign this executive order requiring…
Trump: Sure, give it to me. This is a great executive order. I think this may be my best executive order so far. This is why I got elected, to sign execu…yeah, there it is. Another fart. Now that was a presidential fart.
Pence: Praise Jesus.
Trump: The president gets to fart wherever he wants. There’s no conflict. No conflict. And you have to stand there and smell it. It’s good to be the president. Where’s Melania? She should smell this fart. Putin. He’d appreciate it. You know who can fart really well? Germans. It’s all those sausages. I don’t know what they put in those things. What’s the German word is for sausage?
Pence: I don’t speak German, Mr. President.
Secret Service Agent: Wurst.
Trump: What? What’s worse?
Secret Service Agent: The German word for sausage, sir. It’s wurst.
Trump: Worse than what?
Pence: Mr. President, why don’t we move on to…
Trump: Worse than what? I want to know what’s worse than what.
Secret Service Agent: I’m sorry, sir. I wasn’t clear. Wurst is the German word for sausage. Double you, you, are, ess, tee. Wurst. As in bratwurst or liverwurst.”.
Trump: Best bratwurst, right here in Trump Tower. The best, absolute best.
Pence: We’re, uh, in the White House, Mr. President.
Trump: I know that. Oval Office. I had them change the curtains. Obama had crimson curtain. Not presidential. Not presidential. You wouldn’t believe how unpresidential. I had them replaced them with these classy gold ones. So much better. So much. Is there a menu here? I want to look at the menu.
Pence: Somebody get the president a menu.
Secret Service Agent: Here you are, Mr. President.
Trump: Is there bratwurst on the menu? Or maybe a taco bowl?
Pence: I’m sure the White House chef will prepare whatever you want, Mr. President. But for now perhaps we could discuss policy? We have a lot to do and we’re just getting started.
Trump: I know that. A lot of great stuff to do. The news media won’t report on all the great stuff we’re going to do. They’re only interested in undermining. Nothing but undermining. It’s all they…farted again. Maybe I should order in the press corps. You think I should bring in the press corps? Make them smell my fart? They’d just have to stand there and take it. Dishonest, corrupt media and their lies. At least a million people at my inauguration. At least. Maybe more. Probably more. Possibly not, but probably more. I’m just saying.
Pence: Mr. President, we have a lot on the agenda today. Why don’t we…
Trump: Mexicans, they’re good farters too. Not the best, not the best, but good. It’s those taco bowls they eat. Good farters. Not the best, though. Not as good as the Germans. Germans fart like a pack mule. But the Mexicans are pretty good. Not the best, okay. But pretty good.
Pence: Please, Mr. President, we have a long day ahead of us. We need to discuss your cabinet appointees, who are having some difficulty with certain members of Congress. I suggest we…
Trump: You know what would be good? A taco bowl with bratwurst. Somebody call down to the restaurant and tell them I want a taco bowl with bratwurst. Would that still be called a taco bowl? Call downstairs to the restaurant and tell them I want one.
Pence: Still in the White House, Mr. President.
Trump: Just do it. And after lunch I want to meet with the press.