weather report

Comrade Trump: I got it! I got it! Why don’t we nuke them?
White House Aide: Yes sir, we will. Who are ‘them’?
Trump: Hurricanes!
Aide: Hurricanes?
Trump: Nuke the shit out of them!
Aide: We’ll look into it, sir.

Aide: He wants to nuke hurricanes.
Other aide: What the fuck?
Aide: Yeah, I don’t know.
Other aide: Why does…wait, he…fuck me with a chainsaw.

Other aide: He wants to nuke hurricanes.
Journalist: What the fuck?
Other aide: Yeah, I don’t know. Don’t use my name.
Journalist: Okay. But how does he…I mean, why would…fuck me with a chainsaw.

“I got it! I got it! Nuke the shit out of ’em!”

Journalist: Mr. President, there are reports you’ve suggested nuking hurricanes. Your response?
Comrade Trump: I never said that! Fake news!
Journalist: Sir, you…
Trump: Excuse me. Obama had eight years, never did anything about hurricanes! Nothing! His hurricane policy was a total disaster!
Journalist: But Mr. Presi…
Trump: Excuse me. Nothing! Democrats love hurricanes! And open borders and crime! The Trump administration has done more for hurricanes than almost anybody, I can tell you that! By the way, you think it’s a coincidence that every hurricane is coming from south of the border? We’re building wall! New wall!
Journalist: Are you saying a border wall would…
Trump: Excuse me. Excuse me. Nobody knows more about hurricanes than I do! Nobody! Obama was weak! A disaster. I didn’t say nuke! I never said nuke! I could do nuke if I wanted, but I don’t want nuke! But I could! I inherited the hurricane situation from Obama! There were hurricanes before Trump! Long before! But I’m not saying nuke! I never said that! You’re fake news!
Journalist: Thank you Mr. President.

Journalist: Today President Trump stated he was instituting a ‘no-nuke’ policy regarding hurricanes, separating himself from previous administration policies.
Other journalist: It’s a complicated situation. Democrats have so far failed to come up with a hurricane proposal that’s acceptable to the president.
Journalist: Both sides need to work together to come up with a solution.
Other Journalist: Hurricanes shouldn’t be a partisan issue.

People of the World: What the fuck?

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3 thoughts on “weather report

  1. ugh. yes, it’s tiresome how reporters do their reporting by not reporting on what needs to be reported.
    wait, what? ohyes, I write funky sometimes.

    also: I read on twitter, so it must be true, that this is literally the plot for Sharknado.

    Like

    • I only know of Sharknado by reputation — so I decided to check Wikipedia to learn the plot. I confess, I’ve never encountered such astonishing writing.

      [T]he group comes across a school bus trapped in the floodwaters and surrounded by sharks. Fin stops to save the children and bus driver by rappelling down to the bus from a bridge. Afterwards, the bus driver is killed by a letter in the Hollywood Sign. While Nova is driving the car, a shark lands on top of the car and rips the roof off. Fin’s hand is cut.

      Three tornadoes develop and absorb the floodwater, turning into shark-filled “sharknados”. The group borrow equipment from nearby storage and Matt and Nova become attracted to each other. Matt and Nova decide to stop the threat of the incoming sharknados by tossing bombs into them from a helicopter.

      As Nova fights off a shark that had latched onto the helicopter, she falls out of the helicopter and directly into another shark’s mouth. Matt is heartbroken.

      Fin destroys the last sharknado with a bomb attached to his car and the sharks begin to plummet toward the ground. One falling shark flies directly toward the remaining members of the group. Fin jumps into its mouth with a chainsaw and cuts his way out. He emerges carrying an unconscious but otherwise unharmed Nova.

      I realize none of that responds to your comment, but damn.

      Liked by 1 person

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