So here’s me in this small town (we’re talking fewer than 500 people) where there’s a little diner that serves the most excellent desserts (they make their bread pudding with cinnamon rolls). While I’m having lunch, there’s an impossible-to-ignore table with about a dozen older women. They’re all wearing red hats. Not MAGA hats, just hats that are red. All sorts of hats. And these women, they’re having a good time, laughing and talking.
It was fun to see them, and I thought about shooting a photo, but decided not to. I could have justified it ethically in photographic terms, but my momma taught me that old women deserve a few extra layers of respect. So I didn’t.
But after lunch, I ran into a couple of them at a gift shop across the street. And I chatted them up, because I was curious and because I like talking to strangers. We must have talked for more than ten minutes. And at one point, I asked if I could take their photo. And they said yes.
They belong to the Red Hat Ladies. It’s an informal group of a couple of dozen women who meet for lunch maybe once a month, maybe every couple of weeks, depends on their mood. They have rules, sort of. You have to be invited to be a member. You have to be over 60. You have to be sorta kinda approved by most of the other members (they indicated that wasn’t actually a rule, but you know, there’s some folks that just don’t click). And you have to wear a red hat to lunch. Most of them also wore red coats. I got the impression that many (maybe most) of them were widowed or divorced.
And they were a hoot. I teased them, they teased me back. They were so very clearly happy with themselves, and it made me happy to see them and spend time with them. There’s something wonderful about the way older women gather together, something liberating and caring, something that leaves them highly opinionated. It’s like they’ve learned to shrug off so much of the bullshit they’ve had to deal with for most of their lives. And if they haven’t actually shrugged it off, they’ve learned to shove the bullshit off to one side long enough to get together and have a good time. You have to respect that.
I suspect (and I hope this is true) that there are similar Red Hat Lady collectives all over the world. I’m pretty sure I’d object to many of the political and religious views of these women, but I’m inclined to think I’d trust them to run the country. Certainly, I’d prefer them to the hateful crew that’s now in charge. The thing about the Red Hat Ladies, they know when to be sensible and when to stick a purple bow on a red hat and if folks don’t like it, they can go eat lunch someplace else.
I’m pretty much content with being a guy, but I’m also sort of envious of these Red Hat Ladies. They’ve got something few men will ever have. One more reason to burn the patriarchy.
gregfallis.com 
clip (on youtube) from Family Feud Canada.
I would love to hang out with this group of women from Newfoundland! Far funnier than the link’s title would suggest (and it should say “gummies”, not “ganja”). Pls. watch from the start and up to the 2:20 min. mark. So funny because it’s so unexpected!
You’re Ganja Have a Good Time | Family Feud Canada
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Gummies! That’s hilarious.
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The small town where I used to live has a similar group of ladies who went to primary school together. They call themselves the Two Tart Thursday Club. They lunch on a savoury and a sweet tart, plus a glass of wine – all for $39 – and have a great time according to reports from my friend who still lives in the town. I was very excited when recently invited to join them, merely because I fit the very loose criteria of age and school attendance. The town is 3 1/2 hours drive away but how can I resist such a wonderful offer.
I look at the men I have known – especially first husband and father – and feel sorry for them and for so many men who do not have friends – for laughter and supportive companionship – let alone a regular meet up group of them. I do not count sports teams or what in Australia has historically been called ‘mateship’ because both encompass obligation, and are conditional on a standard of performance or cultural norms of masculinity. There is research out there now about male shame, the effects of PTSD, patriarchal values, domestic violence, coercive control, intergenerational and cultural patterns of behaviour etc etc But like you I say, ultimately it comes down to: Burn the patriarchy.
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You’re right, there are huge gender differences in how friendships are born, maintained, and experienced. I’m lucky to have both men and women friends. I think the biggest compliment I’ve had in recent years is when my SO’s women’s pickleball group invited me to join them for drinks after playing.
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The Red Hat Ladies! They’re all over, and the idea has been around for a number of years- they’re a very loosely organized idea that’s based on Jenny Joseph’s poem:
“When I am an old woman I shall wear purple, With a red hat which doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves, And satin sandals, and say we’ve no money for butter.”
The group that was based in our SF Bay area neighborhood where we used to live got together monthly, and they were a hoot to be in the same place with. All very liberal and take-no-crap, but that might be because our area was very liberal. I’ve seen a few up here in Washington, but didn’t get a chance to interact at all. I think usually it’s a group of friends who then bring in other friends, etc. A really nice way to get new friends, maybe.
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I know that poem! I know I’ve talked about it before (though maybe not on this blog). But I’d totally forgotten about the inclusion of purple.
It’s sort of liberating, getting older. It’s probably more liberating for women, especially once they’re able to shed their husbands (which isn’t to say all women have husbands or are happy to be shed of them, but c’mon, there are so MANY women who’d be better off without them (I’m not counting MY SO here, obv., although I recognize she may think differently)).
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Well, I know I’m finding it rather liberating to be of an age where there’s no longer societal pressure to try to fit in, to try to be acceptable to males for jobs, for simple consideration. We are largely invisible, and that’s kind of a superpower right there. The lack of rights and fairness in the world for us is still there, but it always was; I’m just less willing to sit and take it. Fortunately the men in my life are quite well-trained (!) and know me well, so I don’t have to put up with too much crap.
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This made me smile, and I need that right now, for many reasons I won’t get into. I have been aware of the Red Hat Ladies. I was invited to join several years ago, but felt the group was too “old” for me. I still may not be ready….but now I understand, and find great fun in it. Thanks for sharing the moment and the very happy photograph that accompanied your post.
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I mentioned this to somebody else, but there’s something liberating about getting older. You hit a stage where you can just say, “Fuck it, I don’t need to keep up anymore.” The woman wearing the baseball cap in the photo told me she had a gentleman friend who’d visit her to watch sports on television, and when the sports were over she’d tell him, “Okay, time for you to go.” It was nice to have the company, but nice to be able to tell him to leave, which she recognized was probably not polite, but figured at her age, she didn’t always need to be polite. And she just grinned when she told me that.
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This is a wonderful post… and I am familiar with the red hat ladies as I am of the age that could be part of such a group. A previous comment mentioned the poem that includes the line (in part) “when I am old I shall wear purple…” I truly thought when I first read it that one day I’d be one of those women but purple is not at all flattering with my coloring and the only shade of red that compliments my coloring has orange in it, not blue and it is very hard to find. Guess I’m just too much of a fashionista. HA. But I truly love this post.
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Oh man, I have so many contradictory thoughts about fashion. I used to teach sociology, and I always included a section on fashion in my Intro courses. The intersection of fashion and age is fascinating.
One of the things I really liked about these Red Hat Ladies is their almost joyful abandonment of the constraints of fashion while still using fashion concepts to express themselves. The hats they chose, the various red & purple accessories, the scarves. I think the fact that they met as a group made it easier for them to make some deliberately unfortunate fashion decisions.
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