Jack Smith: Donald J. Trump defrauded the United States by conspiring to impede and obstruct the collecting, counting…
Trump Lawyer: Free speech!
Jack Smith: …and certifying of votes in the presidential election…wait. What?
Trump Lawyer: Free speech! There’s nothing illegal about saying the election was stollen!
Jack Smith: ‘Stollen’ isn’t even a word. But we can show the defendant knowingly conspired with…
Trump Lawyer: He genuinely believed the election was stollen!
Jack Smith: …others to create the false…wait. It doesn’t matter if he genuinely believed it. If you genuinely believe you own the gold in Fort Knox, it’s still a crime to try to take it. Belief isn’t…

Trump Lawyer: All he did was talk! He didn’t DO anything! You can’t criminalize speech!
Jack Smith: …a ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card, its…wait. No. It’s NOT just speech. You can’t go into a liquor store and say, “Give me all your money” and claim it’s just speech. You can’t…
Trump Lawyer: What about Hunter Biden! He committed a thousand crimes with his laptop!
Jack Smith: …claim you were…wait. Hunter Biden has nothing to do with this case. There are SO MANY things wrong with that, including…
Trump Lawyer: He was just following the advice of his lawyers! It’s not Trump’s fault if he was given bad advice!
Jack Smith: …the fact that this so-called laptop…wait. No. No, that’s stupid. If your lawyer tells you to commit a crime and you commit that crime, it’s still a goddamn crime. Can we get back to the indictment now? The defendant…
Trump Lawyer: Andrew Jackson did the same thing when he was president!
Jack Smith: …attempted to illegally overturn…wait? What? What?
Trump Lawyer: During the Spanish-American War in 1895 Andrew Jackson suspended an election in Arkansas!
Jack Smith: I don’t even know where to start. Jesus suffering fuck. Andrew Jackson wasn’t even alive in 1895 and the Spanish-American war was in…no, damn it. This has nothing to do with…
Trump Lawyer: The Mayans of Peru predicted this back in the 14th century!
Jack Smith: …the criminal conspiracy to…wait. What the fuck? Mayans? Of Peru?
Trump Lawyer: The Jews of the Nine Universes have always had it in for my client!
Jack Smith: I…I…uh…
Trump Lawyer: Your Honor, the defense rests.