wish i was making this up

Seriously, just what in the fuck was that?

Let’s try that with inflection. Just WHAT in the fuck was that? Just what in the FUCK was that? What in the fuck was THAT? SERIOUSLY, JUST WHAT IN THE FUCK WAS THAT?

I watched…and I completely fucking gobsmacked that this is real…the President of These Semi-United States speak like an addled 12-year-old for 50 minutes, during which he claimed there was a national emergency because the US is being invaded.

“We’re declaring it for virtual invasion purposes.”

“We’re talking about an invasion of our country with drugs, with human traffickers, with all types of criminals and gangs.”

Virtual invasion purposes. I don’t even know what that means. I tried for a moment to figure out what it means, but it was like whacking myself in the forehead with a ball peen hammer. It was just pointless pain. If any other president in history had decided to declare a national emergency they’d 1) make sure they had an actual emergency, and 2) would get somebody to write them a coherent speech and not just stand in front of a podium and wing it.

Jesus suffering fuck. Okay, okay, deep breath. Right. Just to state the completely obvious, there IS no emergency. The number of immigrants showing up at the southern border (legally or otherwise) has been declining for nearly two decades. That fact is supported by data gathered and published by US agencies, including the Department of Homeland Security, When asked by a reporter if he believed the data, Comrade Trump said:

“I get my numbers from a lot of sources, like Homeland Security, primary. And the numbers I have from Homeland Security are a disaster.”

Dude, the fact that you don’t like the data doesn’t make it an emergency. That DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. None of this makes any sense. Aargh! And then…and I swear I am NOT MAKING THIS UP…then Trump says this:

“I didn’t need to do this. But I’d rather do it much faster … I just want to get it done faster.”

What sort of cretinous fuckwit says, “Guys, we got us an emergency! We got to build us a wall! We got to build it RIGHT NOW! Well, we don’t really have to build it right now, but I want to which makes this an EMERGENCY cofeve hamberder!!!” Aargh!

And guys, that’s NOT the craziest or stupidest thing Trump said. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. He also claimed President Obama (the Last Sane President of the United States) told him, while sitting in beautiful chairs, that he (Obama, the LSPotUS) was thinking about starting a war with North Korea. And he claimed the Prime Minister Shinzo Abe of Japan had nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize — which he’d earned because Obama got one after he’d only been in office for about fifteen minutes and he didn’t even stop rocket ships from flying over Japan like Trump did.

Trump abruptly left the podium and returned to the Oval Office, but I think we were only about seven minutes away from the moment when he would declare himself the Sun God, which would allow him to have sex with his daughter Ivanka Antoinette on a golden throne in a room scented with peaches.

Anyway, this morning Comrade Trump declared a national emergency. This afternoon he flies to Mar-a-Loco to play golf. I am not making this up.

11 thoughts on “wish i was making this up

  1. “rocket ships from flying over Japan”

    Between that and his ubiquitous reference to bound women with duct tape over their mouths, I was agog.

    And not just the normal “this motherfucker is a goddamned idiot who doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground agog” either. This is full-blown “this motherfucker is gonna get us all killed in nuclear fire agog.”

    This is what happens when you tell children that they can be anything they want. Even president.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “ … whacking myself in the head with a ball peen hammer … it was just pointless pain” Brilliant!
    Where are the child minders, the men in white coats to shuffle this madman quietly away from the button, his twitter feed and microphone and into the shadows?

    Like

  3. hidden amidst the propulsion** of this post, is a new pairing that I think solves the issues with the use of “literally”.

    « I’m literally whacking myself in the forehead with a ball peen hammer »

    to

    « I’m literally virtual-whacking myself in the forehead with a ball peen hammer »

    true, it may be more proper to say “literally virtually-(verb)”, but one must defer to the originator’s construct. you know, like “internets”.

    ** it is always hard to contain a post regarding Individual-1 to single point, and like a hydra of rockets many bombs break out, while one would like to just focus on one. this, regardless what you write, because the reader cannot sustain just one target.

    Like

    • it is always hard to contain a post regarding Individual-1 to single point, and like a hydra of rockets many bombs break out,

      It’s true — the temptation to use the MIRV* approach to any post on Comrade Trump is hard to resist. He’s a target rich environment.

      *MIRV = multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle

      Like

  4. Trump panders to his far right extremest base, no matter what the rest of the country or the Constitution thinks/says. The fact of the matter is he doesn’t care if what he does is Constitutional or not, and neither does his base, which is what should have people worried.

    Like

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