It’s almost corny, really. A Justice of the Supreme Court apparently dies in his sleep while visiting an exclusive and remote private hunting reserve situated in the Chinati Mountains of the Chihuahuan Desert in west Texas. He’s declared dead over the telephone by a judge improbably named Cinderela Guevara. Judge Guevara, who was shopping at the time she received the phone call reporting Justice Scalia’s death, starts to drive to the ranch but she turns back after another phone call from a U.S. Marshal saying her presence isn’t needed. And then there’s no autopsy.

It sounds like the half-baked plot of a cheap-ass thriller movie. So of course there are conspiracy theories. Most of them are stupid and predictable. Like Obama had him murdered so he could add another ‘liberal’ to the Supreme Court. That’s a lazy conspiracy theory. A child could concoct that conspiracy theory.

A slightly better one is that the Bush family had Justice Scalia murdered. Why? Because he was about to reveal the role played by the Bushes in the 9/11 attacks. It’s not clear to me why the Bush family engineered the attacks, or how Scalia of all people learned about their involvement, or why Scalia would dawdle in reporting it — but hey, the man died in Texas, and George W. pretends to be from Texas, so there’s that. But as conspiracy theories go, it’s not a particularly sexy one.

The best of all the current conspiracy theories is this one: President Obama had Justice Scalia killed as a human sacrifice to mark the beginning of the pagan holiday of Lupercalia. You have to admit, this is a creative conspiracy theory. The evidence? Pagan Romans celebrated Lupercalia from February 13th to the 15th, and Scalia’s body was found on the 13th! You think that was a coincidence? You need more proof? The 13th was the 44th day of the year — and you guys, Barack Obama is the 44th President of These United States! Boom, there it is. What more do you need?

Roman pagans exercising their religious freedom during Lupercalia.

Aside from sacrificing a Supreme Court Justice, though, it was apparently a rather subdued Lupercalia. None of the usual stuff with men running through the streets, naked except for a goatskin loincloth and maybe a wolf’s mask (in honor of Lupa, the she-wolf who suckled Romulus and Remus and, well, it’s a long story — you had to be there). None of the customary whipping of women with goatskin thongs in order to insure their future fertility (which, let’s face it, sounds like a Republican health care plan). And the anointing of participants with a bloody bit of wool dipped in milk? Totally absent.

Just goes to show you, Obama has no respect for tradition. Or maybe that’s just how they do Lupercalia in west Texas. When in Rome, and all that.