a brief introduction to the republican candidates

       So, what are we up to now? Fourteen?
       No, seriously…how many Republicans are running for president?
       No fuckin’ way.
Jim Gilmore just filed his papers.
       Who the fuck is Jim Gilmore?
I know, right?
       No, I mean who the fuck is he?
Oh. He used to be the Governor of Virginia. Like thirteen years ago.
       Christ. Has he got a shot?
Who the fuck is Jim Gilmore?
       Yeah, that’s what I thought. So who else have we got?
Well, there’s Rick Perry.
       The guy who couldn’t count to three during the debates.
That’s him. He’s the only person running for president who’s talked about
seceding from the Union.
       Oh yeah, forgot about that.
Perry’s hoping everybody will forget about that. He’s also the only candidate
currently under indictment.
       You’re shitting me. For what?
Abusing his power as governor to undermine Texas’ political ethics agency.
       I don’t fuckin’ believe it.
It’s true.
       No, I mean I don’t believe Texas has a political ethics agency.
It’s like Bigfoot. You hear about the occasional sighting, but the picture’s
always murky.
       No way Perry can win.
No. Then you got Lindsay Graham.
He’s in the race. John McCain loves him.
       He’s gay, isn’t he, Graham?
He says not.
       A Republican denying he’s gay? Imagine my shock.
Doesn’t matter, really, if he is or not. Enough Republicans think he’s gay, and they’re not exactly a gay-friendly community. But Graham’s always wanting to start a war, though. Republicans are usually willing to vote for wars.
       Yeah, but do they want a war badly enough to elect a gay president?
Nope. Then you got George Pataki.
       Who the fuck is George Pataki?
I know, right?
       No, I mean who the fuck is George Pataki?
Oh. He was the governor of New York during the 9/11 business.
       I thought that was Rudy Whatshisname.
Giuliani. No, he was the mayor of New York City.
       Same fucking thing to anybody who doesn’t live in New York. No way Padlecki
Pataki. George Pataki.
       Yeah, no way that guy can win.
Nope. Then you got Rick Santorum.
       Pffft. Sweater vest, bad haircut Snowball in Hell. Next.

Eleven-seventeenths of the Republican candidates for President.

Eleven-seventeenths of the Republican candidates for President.

Mike Huckabee.
       The preacher, right. Wasn’t he selling vitamin supplements on the teevee.
Something like that. Reverse mortgages, maybe, whatever the hell those are. Something just a step up from used cars or aluminum siding.
       People like Huckabee, don’t they? Religious people?
Yeah, pretty much.
       So he’s got a shot, doesn’t he?
Nope. His son hung a dog.
       The fuck? He did what?
Kid hung a dog.
       He hung a dog?
At a Boy Scout gathering.
       Uhh…uhh…uhh…I don’t even know what to say.
You can say g’bye to Huckabee as president. Next you got Carly Fiorina.
       A dog? Are you fuckin’ serious?
Totally serious. So moving on. Carly Fiorina.
       Why? I don’t understand. A dog?
I don’t know. Maybe he couldn’t find a canine-size electric chair. Who knows why these people do anything? So, Carly Fiorina.
       Yeah, okay. The woman who ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground.
Well, yeah but…
       Laid off like a million employees or something.
Yeah, but in her defense, I think HP had pretty much crossed that event horizon before she was promoted. Probably wasn’t anything she could have done to prevent it.
       Could she have done something to make it less horrible? For the workers, I mean.
       Did she?
       So, I guess her campaign’s also going into the ground then.
Like a fucking lawn dart. And that brings us to Ben Carson.
       I’ve heard the name. Business guy? Pizzas or something?
Pediatric neurosurgeon, and a pretty good one apparently.
       Not pizzas, then. Still, doesn’t really qualify him for being president.
No. He’s the guy who said Obamacare is the worst thing since slavery.
       Aw, fuck him in the neck. White people need to stop comparing things to slavery.
Ben Carson is black.
       What? And he said…wait, what?
Affordable care, worst thing since slavery. Don’t ask me to explain.
       You know what you can compare to slavery?
More slavery?
       Bingo. So, we’re about done, right?
       Who’s left?
Marco Rubio. He’s Cuban.
       Well, there’s progress. Republicans have a Latino, a black guy, and a woman running.
Crazy doesn’t recognize gender or racial borders.
       Point to you. I remember Rubio. Glass of water.
Yeah. The anti-Rubio commercials write themselves.
       Yeah. Okay, so he’s got no chance of winning either.
None. That brings us to Rand Paul.
       I have a question.
       Is there anybody you’ve named who wouldn’t benefit from electro-shock therapy?
And that brings us to Ted Cruz.
       Oh Jeebus, fuck me with a chainsaw. Ted fuckin’ Cruz.
He’s got support.
       Why did I start this conversation. What about Bush? You haven’t said dick about him.
What is there to say about Jeb Bush? His brother was president, his daddy was president, now he wants his turn.
       He’s raised a buttload of coin.
Multiple buttloads.
       So he’s got a shot.
Yeah. But he’s still Jeb Bush.
       No way to get around that. That’s a lot of Republicans running for president.
Still not done. There’s Bobby Jindal.
       Him? Fucking disaster.
He is.
       Best thing about him is his momma named him Bobby.
But she didn’t. His actual name is Piyush.
       It’s what?
Piyush Jindal.
       Where the hell did the Bobby come from?
The Brady Bunch.
       Now you’re just fucking with me, aren’t you.
No. At least I don’t think so. That’s what Jindal claims. He says he used to come home from school and watch the Brady Bunch. He says he identified with Bobby Brady. So that became his nickname.
       Should have stuck with Piyush. Are we done yet?
       Fuck. Kill me now. Stab me right in the fuckin’ eye.
There’s Chris Christie and Scott Walker.
       Laurel and Hardy.
Both of them are being investigated, but neither of them is under indictment yet.
       Yet, great. Walker has a chance, doesn’t he?
Yeah. Don’t ask me to explain it, but yeah. He’s completely fucked up Wisconsin, but yeah, somehow he’s got a decent shot at the nomination.
       I just remembered who we haven’t mentioned yet.
Right, John Kasich.
       Oh god oh god oh god who in the holy fuck is John Kasich.
I know, right?
Oh. He’s the governor of Ohio, which is a pivotal state in the election. And he served in Congress for almost twenty years, where he was the Chair of the House Budget Committee. He was a commentator on FoxNews for a while. He used to be an investment banker, so he’s got friends on Wall Street.
       Is he under indictment?
       Has he compared anything to slavery?
Not that I know of.
       Has he said anything irredeemably crazy?
Not really.
       Not even when he worked at FoxNews?
Not compared to the common FoxNews standard of craziness.
       Has he, or any member of his family, hung any dogs?
       Or any large mammals. Or small mammals. Or, I don’t know, amphibians.
Don’t think so.
       Has he molested any kids?
If he has, he hasn’t been caught.
       So then he’s actually got a shot at being the nominee?
Maybe. Probably not. Got into the race late, he’s not well known, a lot of the people who do know him don’t like him.
       So, he’s sort of Christie Lite?
Pretty much.
       Trump, that’s who I was talking about earlier. Are we down to Trump yet?
We are.
       No way Trump gets the nomination.
Only if the debates and primaries are held in Bizarro World.
       Where’s the first debate being held?
It’s being hosted by Fox News.
I know, right?

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