hmmmm dammit

You were warned. Don’t say you weren’t.

When martial law is imposed in These United States, after the government has destroyed all communication systems through an electromagnetic pulse generated by detonating a nuclear weapon in orbit, and the gay-raped corpses of disarmed Christian patriots are stacked liked cord wood in freezers in the basements of Wal-Mart stores, and the Obama Muslim Extremist Army seizes control of the American Southwest (with the assistance of Chinese Marxist troops) in order to prevent those states from exercising their right to engage in treason by seceding from the Union — when that happens, don’t you come crying to me.

Jade Helm taking over the goddam streets!

Jade Helm — assault on goddam American streets!

You had your chance to do something about it. But now it’s too late. Jade Helm has begun. America as we knew it (and we knew it as white, Christian, Republican, totally fucking hetero, with pick-ups from sea to shining sea, did I already say white, and steaks the size of the passenger door off a ’63 Ford, with none of that homo pussy vegan shit) is dead and gone. Or soon will be.

Jade Helm -- assault on goddam all-beef patties!!

Jade Helm — assault on goddam all-beef patties!!

Sure, they say it’s just an ‘exercise’ and they say the ‘exercise’ isn’t scheduled to begin until 15 July, but a patriot on FreeRepublic has reported the invasion has already begun.

Three unmarked military helicopters just flew at tree top level over our house. We live north of Dallas in the burbs. hmmmm

Hmmmm, indeed.

Jade Helm -- assault on American goddam highways!!!

Jade Helm — assault on American goddam highways!!!

In fact, it appears the Obamanistas began softening up targets in Texas a few weeks ago, using the High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program to initiate severe weather, disrupting the daily lives of innocent God-fearing heteroTexans. Intellihub (also known in the patriot community as the ‘Civilian Intelligence Agency’) has reported:

Speculation and actual evidence has been released in the last two days that has many believing that Texas is under attack with weather manipulation technology.

Not just speculation, you guys! Actual evidence! And it has ‘many’ believing in weather warfare. What…you’re skeptical? Intellihub can refute your skepticism:

[W]e know that weather warfare is an absolute, 100% proven fact

There you go. Absolute 100% proven fact. You can’t argue against that. As the patriots of FreeRepublic would say, hmmmm. Right?

Jade Helm -- assault on decent Americans by goddam ObamaDrone!!!!

Jade Helm — assault on some decent Americans (and a negro) by goddam ObamaDrone weather-fucking machine!!!!

You were warned. But no, you were too busy watching girls play some foreign game with a ball using only their feet. C’mon, America! Balls are meant to be thrown and caught using the goddam hands God gave you. Now it’s too late. There’s only one thing left to do.

Jade Helm -- America's only hope: God, groceries, and guns.

Jade Helm — America’s only hope: God, groceries, and guns.

Go see Dan.


4 thoughts on “hmmmm dammit

  1. I offer you that « But no, you were too busy watching girls play some foreign game with a ball using only their feet. » and that « [W]e know that weather warfare is an absolute, 100% proven fact » are cause and effect.

    you see, all that walking, running, falling and kicking (sometimes the ball) in astroturf — a Texan invention or deployment, no? — caused an atmospheric disturbance that fell through the (Summer’s) Arctic Vortex right into Texas. thus, it is not only proven, but there is a cause-effect, which is most Tehh Awesomeness over correlation-not-causation thingy.

    I hope that helps your readers understand the Texans Under Jade Helm mentality. after all, did you know that they also laughed at Christopher Columbus?

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely missed the obvious connection between the FIFA Women’s World Cup and meteorological warfare. The fact that it took place in Canada should have given me a clue.

      And it’s true, people really did laugh when Christopher Columbus invented the cotton gin. But in his defense, some of that laughter was directed at his silly hat. That thing was ridiculous.


  2. I guess all us other poor souls here in Texas foolish enough not to take these nuts seriously should just be happy “open-carry” doesn’t go into effect until after the first of the year.


    • One of the many weird things about Texas is that there’s a sort of stability there. For generations Texas has stood rock solid on the very edge of social insanity. Rock solid — no teetering. Maybe it’s because Texas, in some metaphysical way, isn’t aware that the edge exists, so there’s no concern about toppling over.

      If Mississippi, for example, had the same proportion of paranoid lunatics, it would have tumbled into some sort of brutish Hobbesian Hunger Games society. But Texas continues to be run by selfish, short-sighted, venal idiots — and yet it still retains some of the best cities in the US and maintains a sizable population of smart, socially aware, thoroughly decent people.

      Texas is a high wire act that simply doesn’t acknowledge the wire exists. It’s an amazing place.

      Liked by 1 person

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