It’s okay. We understand. You’re too polite to say anything, but we can tell you’re worried. You think there’s a pretty good chance we’re going to elect Mitt Romney as President of the United States.
Your anxiety is perfectly understandable, Canada. You’re concerned because Gov. Romney is what us folks south of the border like to call ‘a lying sack of shit.’ You’re nervous because you believe he’d be mind-bogglingly horrific as president. But most of all you’re also worried that if he gets elected, hordes of disgruntled Americans will flood across your border — that we’ll build tent cities in every Tim Hortons parking lot and we’ll turn the
warmer less chilly parts of your great nation into an American ghetto.
Canada, you don’t need to fret. Think about it for a moment. When Barack Obama was seeking the nomination, he had to beat Hilary Clinton. Do you know how hard it is to beat Hilary Clinton at anything? Really really hard, is how hard. And Mitt Romney, who’d he have to beat? Rick Perry? Herman Cain? Michele Bachmann? That’s like beating the Three Stooges. Obama had to beat Hilary; Mitt Romney only had to beat Donald Fucking Trump.
Here’s the thing, Canada. You have to learn to ignore our news media. They have a vested interest in pretending the election is close. Americans are a great people, but we’re only capable of paying attention to stuff if there’s some drama involved. We’re like magpies in that regard; we make a lot of noise and we’re easily distracted by shiny objects. And yeah, sometimes we’ll shit all over everything. But here’s the truth: the popular vote is close, but President Obama has always maintained a significant lead in the Electoral College and he has something like a 70% chance to win.
So you can relax, Canada. Everything is going to be okay. Oh sure, we’ll still be sending out aerial robots to kill foreign folks we don’t like, and we’ll continue to elect people who think the world is 9000 years old to lower offices, but you won’t have to face a Romney presidency.
Probably. Just in case, I have my eye on a spot near the door in the parking lot of a Tim’s on Spadina Avenue in Toronto.