it’s a fucking miracle, is what it is

When brainstorming about what to do with the area, the idea of a gun range came up.

The area in question is behind the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church in Jemison, Alabama. According to Pastor Philip Guin, the area was a gully “full of kudzu, snakes and other vermin.” Nobody in Jemison like kudzu, or vermin, or snakes. They fucking hate snakes in Jemison. Totally hate those slithering little bastards. So they decided to clear the area and turn it into…something.

Pastor Phillip Guin

Pastor Phillip Guin

We don’t know what other suggestions for the area might have been considered and rejected. A community vegetable garden, maybe. That would have been nice. Or maybe somebody suggested planting a few trees, maybe build a little gazebo — a nice, quiet place for community picnics or concerts given by the Jemison High School Jazz Band. Or hey, how about a couple of basketball hoops? You know, keep the local kids busy and out of trouble. A baseball diamond might work, or a soccer pitch (though that might be seen as unAmerican).

The thing is, there were LOTS of inexpensive, community-oriented options open to the Rocky Mount United Methodist Church. Options that would be in keeping with church doctrine. But no…the idea of a gun range came up.

It just came up! Just like that, out of the blue, completely unexpected. It was like divine inspiration! Like a miracle!

“We had quite a number of church members, some elderly ladies, for example, and some not so elderly women that had purchased guns, but didn’t know how to use them.”

Okay, I’ll admit the thought of a bunch of old folks unfamiliar with firearms having guns in their homes is disconcerting and alarming. But…a question: why the fuck are the elderly women of Jemison, Alabama arming themselves? We’re talking about a town with a population of about 2500 people. Total. There can’t be much crime there. The Jemison Police Department has only eleven full-time officers. Eleven. That includes the park ranger at Minooka Park. Who the hell are these women planning to shoot?

granny with guns

The whole purpose of this range is to provide recreational and gun safety in a warm, loving, Christian environment.

Uhh…well…lawdy. Okay, then. Recreational gunfire in a warm and loving…oh for fuck’s sake, are you insane? We’re talking about a church, here. A building used for religious activities, for worship. I’m not a Christian, but even I understand that there’s a fundamental disjuncture between a structure dedicated to a religious figure called the prince of peace and a goddam gun range. Jeebus on toast, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

“This is an opportunity for us to reach out in the name of Jesus Christ in a setting that is completely unique.”

No. No, it’s not. It’s not even remotely an opportunity to reach out in the name of Jesus. It’s an opportunity to pimp some seriously distorted Jeebus figure into a flag-waving Second Amendment Martyr.

Don’t be blaming this bullshit on the old women of Jemison, Alabama. I’m just guessing here, but I really most sincerely doubt it was an old woman who raised her hand during the discussion of what to do with that overgrown area behind the church and said “Hey gang, let’s make a gun range! You know…for Jeebus!” I’m pretty sure it was a guy who suggested that. I wonder if anybody other than elderly women have a use for a handy firing range.

The range has also become a favorite of the Jemison Police Department

Yeah. Well, there’s a coincidence.

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6 thoughts on “it’s a fucking miracle, is what it is

  1. “The range has also become a favorite of the Jemison Police Department.”

    Gee, did it ever cross your mind that now, because of this wonderful “Jesus-loving” gun range that the Jemison Police Department has finally found a reason to take the bullets out of their shirt pockets and place them inside their weapons? Or, maybe now they know that their guns are supposed to make that loud bang when the trigger is pulled. So let’s hope they also grasp the knowledge that when you pull the trigger, and that little thing makes than huge “banging” sound, that the other end with the little round hole in it is pointing in the direction of a bad guy caught in the act of committing a crime.

    Ya think?

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    • I’m glad the Jemison PD has a place to practice shooting. I just think it’s absurd that it’s on church property. I’d also like to see more police departments practice NOT shooting for a while.

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  2. You know, I have to agree with you on this. At one time many years ago, I wore a badge. What I see in many law enforcement officers now is what I can only blame on a leftover mentality brought back from being in combat zones. Add to that a “John Wayne” mentality and what you have is a prescritpion for violence without benefit of common sense. Soldiers are taught to kill, and that thought pattern has to be removed from them before turning them loose once again on life in general.

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    • As stupid as this sounds, I actually blame television for the change in American policing. The nature of cop shows on television shifted in the late 1970s. Before that, television presented police officers and detectives as people (well, okay, white men) who caught bad guys through hard work and cleverness. And social science research showed most of the people who joined the police did so because it was a good steady civil service job with decent benefits.

      Then cop shows changed; they began to be about ‘rogue’ cops who had to work outside the system and bend the rules to catch bad guys. The shows became more about kicking in doors and shoot-outs and high speed chases. And social science research showed that more and more people were joining the police because it offered the potential for excitement. We got more officers who wanted to kick in doors and get involved in high speed chases and shoot-outs. And they’re doing it.

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      • Television networks loudly and proudly proclaim this is the type of programming viewers want and demand. Well, I’m not one of them; and, because of the violent and sexual nature of moder television, I can safely say I have watched television for more than a few short minutes in decades. In fact, I can’t even begin to tell you what’s on and what isn’t (nor do I care).

        More disheartening to me is the way the so-called professional news media conducts itself these days. More like the paparazzi that chases famous people right into their bathrooms, the general news media has now become a political puppet more with a direction of swaying public opinion than telling the who, what, when and where, it used to. Sadly, though, and even though I rely mostly on the Internet for my news information, it’s getting to the point where someone like me isn’t able to find any news media outlet who wants to just report the news without injecting their opinions and analysis into it.

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