The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives. (Terry Pratchett, Small Gods)

Sweet Lord Jeebus bounded in a nutmeg, what the fuck is wrong with these people? You got Mat Staver of the Liberty Council (which isn’t a council and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any liberty other than their own)  being cheered on for saying that even if the US Supreme Court rules in favor of same-sex marriage, people should refuse to obey it.

“[A]s a believer, you cannot obey something that is contrary to God’s law. And we would easily say, well, what would happen if the government forced you turn over a Jew in Nazi Germany?”

If you’re like me (and by ‘like me’ I mean ‘not a total fucking idjit’) you’re probably wondering how issuing a marriage license is similar to delivering Jews to Nazis. On the one hand you have “Hey Nazi, here’s a Jew for you to imprison and maybe work to death or just murder” and on the other hand you have “Hey gay person, here’s an official document you need to fill out if you want to get married.” I’m just not seeing the similarities. Anyway, gay folks getting all married is apparently against the will of god.

Mat Staver – analogy-challenged

Then you’ve got this mope, Andre Yokers, of Florida (where else?). Yokers has allegedly (and by ‘allegedly’ I mean ‘they’ve got video of it’) been repeatedly vandalizing the sign for a costume shop because 1) it has images of women wearing witch costumes and 2) it has the word ‘witch’ on ir and 3) the Lord Jeebus told him to do it. He was just following the will of god. In Florida, that may actually be considered a legitimate affirmative defense at trial.

It’s been reported (and by ‘reported’ I mean ‘I just made it up’) that Mat Staver thinks preventing Jeebus-induced vandalism is just like forcing Jews to eat a bacon sammich. In Mecca. On a Friday.

Andre Yokers — thou shalt not suffer a witch advert to live

We’ve also got this fucking guy. Pastor Jack Hibbs of California (because maybe Florida and Texas had met their crazy quota that day). Pastor Jack believes (and by ‘believes’ I mean ‘is reliably informed by the voices in his head’) that interfaith meetings between Christians and Muslims are a vehicle by which Christians are being targeted by the moon god Baal in order to…I dunno, something bad. But he’s pretty darn sure there are Christian heretics in the mix somewhere, and Pastor Jack don’t like no heretics.

“Now look, you may hold that view today simply because maybe you’re not a heretic, but you might be ignorant that this is a war against an ancient doctrine, an ancient god with a little ‘g,’ and ancient system that used to go around by the name of Baal. It is the moon god of the ancient Babylonian empire. Babylon had 360 gods. The chief god was the moon god. Don’t you think it’s interesting that all around the world, mosques have a moon symbol, a crescent on top of their buildings?”

Pastor Jack Hibbs – moon god fetishist

You might not be a heretic (and by ‘you’ I mean ‘Pastor Jack Hibbs’), you might just be ignorant. Okay, let me amend that. You actually ARE ignorant.

Here’s a true thing: early Christians also used the crescent moon symbol. And they did it long before Mohammed got tagged by the Angel Gabriel and found himself in the prophet business. In fact, there’s a fairly famous painting of Saint John Chrysostom riding a white horse and toting a shield with the crescent moon symbol.

St. John Chrysostom — notta moon god worshipper

This John guy, he is an actual saint (if you believe in that sort of thing). I don’t recall what he did to get himself sainted, but I’m thinking it had to be some really holy stuff. Whatever it was, you can be pretty sure it was more meaningful than a preacher with a three-dollar haircut and open-necked Oxford shirt ranting about moon gods.

According to sources (and by ‘sources’ I mean ‘probably somebody said something like this, maybe’) Mat Staver noted this alleged ‘saint’ looks like he has an Afro, which is suspicious. He probably wasn’t a white guy. Probably wouldn’t last a day in Ferguson, Missouri, even with that fancy moon god shield. But hey, you know. will of god and all.

Or maybe these folks have been talking about the willow god (distantly related to the moon god). Trashing witches, being afraid of Muslims, preventing gay folks from getting married, it’s all in a day’s work for the willow god.

Then Sir Terry Pratchett died. And I have to admit that for a brief moment I wanted to punch the willow god right in the snoot. Which is an appropriate response.

I think that sick people in Ankh-Morpork generally go to a vet. It’s generally a better bet. There’s more pressure on a vet to get it right. People say ‘it was god’s will’ when granny dies, but they get angry when they lose a cow. (Terry Pratchett)

Sir Terry Pratchett

I don’t know anything about gods, willow or otherwise. But I know this. I know this with mathematical certainty. I know that Terry Pratchett made the world a better, kinder, more thoughtful, and happier place. Not many folks will be able to say that about Mat Staver, Anders Yokers, or Jack Hibbs.