This evening a small town in Maine will vote on an ordinance requiring “all households to have firearms and ammunitions to protect the citizens.”

We’re talking about Byron, Maine. Population about 140. You may be asking yourself why such a small town in rural Maine needs an ordinance requiring their citizens to own a firearm. Simple. According to Head Selectman Anne Simmons-Edmunds.

“We’re fed up.”

What are they fed up about? They’re fed up about the government telling them what to do. You may be asking yourself “Isn’t the Head Selectman a member of the government, and isn’t this ordinance an example of the government telling them what to do?”

Anne Simmons-Edwards (center) with other Byron Selectmen

Silly rabbit. It’s the Federal government they’re worried about. You know…Uncle Sugar. The Big Tuna in Washington, D.C. That government. The one with the negro who’s secretly planning to take all the guns away from the 140 good people living in Byron, Maine.

We’re trying to prevent someone from coming into our town and trying to restrict our rights. It’s time to tell the government, ‘Enough’s enough. Quit micromanaging us.’

No wonder they’re fed up. Micromanaging is a matter best left to the individual state. Everybody knows that.

Of course, in 2011 the Maine legislature passed a law barring municipalities from adopting firearm regulations. So legally, any ordinance requiring the 140 good people of Byron to own a gun wouldn’t have any legal standing.

So maybe micromanaging is a matter best left to local governments. Sure, that’s got to be it. The State or Federal government can’t just force people to do something they don’t want to do. That’s the job of the local government. Besides, who could possibly object to owning a gun?

Bruce Simmons & his ,40 caliber friend

To be fair to Ms. Simmons-Edmunds (who is not only Byron’s Head Selectman, but also serves as a police officer in semi-nearby Dixville and as an animal control officer for both Dixville and Mexico — the small town in Maine, not the independent nation found somewhere south of Texas) and the other Byron Selectmen, the local ordinance wasn’t entirely their idea. It was proposed by former Byron Selectman Bruce Simmons (why yes, he is Ms. Simmons-Edmunds’ father). His reasoning?

“The president, in January of last year, passed an executive order giving Homeland Security the right to go into your house, grab you without a warrant and take you away. And no one will ever see you again.”

There you go. Nobody wants to be taken away and never seen again. Sadly, Simmons couldn’t identify that executive order, but he’s pretty certain it exists. Therefore it’s critically important for the good people of Byron to be required to have firearms AND ammunition in their homes in order to defend themselves from being taken away and never seen again.

Sure, you scoff. But it’s a real danger. The good people of Byron are at risk of being taken away and never seen again because they own guns, and the negro in the White House wants to take away their guns. So of course, they need to mandate owning a gun in order to keep the government from taking away their…no, wait. Okay, they need to have guns because if they didn’t have guns, then Homeland Security would…no, wait. If they didn’t have guns, then Homeland Security wouldn’t…no, that can’t be right either.

I don’t know. Shut up. It doesn’t matter. What matters is the 140 good people of Byron, Maine are fed up. And what do you need more than anything else when you’re fed up? Guns and ammunition.

Who can argue with that?