Shhh…listen. Listen carefully. Can you hear that? No? No, of course you can’t. But that sound you don’t hear — it’s war, you guys. A silent war.

Bobby Jindal, Republican Governor of Louisiana

It’s so silent you probably didn’t know about it. So it’s a good thing Bobby Jindal, pencil salesman Republican Governor of Louisiana, whispered about it to a capacity crowd during his commencement address to the graduates of Liberty University. He told them:

“Today the American people, whether they know it or not, are mired in a silent war…. It is a war — a silent war — against religious liberty.”

Mired, you guys! You’d think if you were mired in something, you’d know it. But no! See, that’s how tricky a silent war is. We are SO mired in this totally Silent War Against Religious Liberty (SWARL).

Jeebus, some white folks, and random minorities in a boat in outer space

Well, mostly silent. I mean, it’s not a War Against Religious Liberty in Space (where nobody can hear you scream). Every so often you can hear the SWARL squeak a little. A tiny squeak. Hardly noticeable. Like if, say, Jiminy Cricket had a sore throat. Teensy little squeak. But other than that,pretty much totally silent, this War on Religious Liberty.

Well, yeah, okay, there are people giving speeches about the SWARL. And they have demonstrations and protests. And sure, they wave signs and put up billboards. And open business meeting with prayers. Business meetings and Congress. And occasionally somebody will talk about SWARL on the radio. Or television. On one of the half-dozen non-commercial television networks exclusively devoted to Christian broadcasting.

But mostly, the WARL is S.

Jason and David Benham (allegedly not clones)

Just as in every war, there are innocent victims. The most recent victims of (S)WARL are the Benhams, cloned from stormtrooper DNA in secret underground laboratories hidden beneath Liberty University twin brothers who graduated from Liberty University. The Benhams (David and Jason — or maybe the other way around — who can tell, they’re fucking clones twins) were supposed to be the stars of a new show on the Home and Garden Television network.

But no! You guys, the network stopped production of the show. Why? Because the Benham brothers love Jeebus SO MUCH. We know they love Jeebus on account of they occasionally stand outside of mosques and shout “Jesus hates Muslims.” The Benham clones twins objected to the interfaith memorial service for the Sandy Hook shooting victims because it didn’t mention Jeebus enough — that’s how much they love Jeebus (hint: you cannot ever mention Jeebus enough). Also? Just like Jeebus, the Benhams love the gays. They just don’t think gays folks should get married. Or have jobs that allow them to come into contact with normal people. Or show any icky gay affection in public.

And because of how much they love Jeebus, the Benham brothers have been denied their First Amendment right to host a television show about flipping foreclosed houses. That’s tyranny. And discrimination against Christians. Also too? Bullying.

But those plucky Benham clones twins will not be bullied or silenced. No sir, they are warriors in the Silent War Against Religious Liberty. They will not be collateral damage in (S)WARL. They will continue to flip foreclosed houses for Jeebus, even if HGTV won’t let them do it on television. Their courage and conviction are evident in their motto:

If the speed on the outside is greater than the speed on the inside, the end is soon near.

I have no idea what that means. None at all. But I’m pretty sure Jeebus does.