April is the cruelest month — for Jeebus. Oh, not because of that Easter thing. You know, that whole being crucified business, and having to rise from the dead and all. That’s part of the savior job description. That’s why he gets the big bucks.

No, I’m talking about April being the cruelest month in terms of respect. Respect from the Iowa House of Representatives. That’s right, Jeebus is getting dissed by legislators from the corn-fed state. We’re only halfway through April and we’ve already had three folks who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS offer prayers to begin the daily legislative session. Three! This month!

And last month? Last month there were…well, okay, there weren’t any non-Christians giving the invocation in March. Or February. Or, okay, January either. But that’s not the point. The point is in April there have been three. So far. A Wiccan priestess, a Muslim imam, and a Jewish rabbi (and c’mon, you know you want to follow that up with ‘walk into a bar’ right?). And Jews and Wiccans and Muslims ARE NOT CHRISTIANS.

It’s like the legislature is treating people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS just like they were Christians. And Republicans who love Jeebus are totally upset.

That cranky woman with the big hair? Tamara Scott. She’s an Iowa representative of the Republican National Committee (for Jeebus). And on the day a Wiccan addressed the Iowa lege, she made the following point:

“I was there at seven o’clock, before the witch got there. I wanted to welcome her with prayer. The storm outside? That was my fault. I was praying for lightning. In love. In love. Just a little joke.”

No, wait. That wasn’t her point. That was just a lighthearted jest about killing witches. And people say Christians don’t have a sense of humor. No, this was her point:

[W]hen we’re not willing to defend our God in the public square, we shouldn’t be surprised when others try to replace Him.

You guys, we are totally replacing Jeebus by allowing three different folks who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS to offer a prayer in the Iowa House of Representatives. Those three prayers given earlier this month, they completely wipe out all of the 58 Christian prayers that were given during the rest of this year.

In fairness, Ms Scott admits people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS also have a right to give the invocation. You know, technically and legally and all that. I’m just going to take a wild guess here, but I suspect she probably hasn’t actually read the decision in Town of Greece v. Galloway, but it surely does say a pre-session prayer is okay so long as it “does not discriminate against minority faiths in determining who may offer a prayer, and the prayer does not coerce participation with non-adherents.” Ms. Scott understands they have that right; she just thinks it’s a shame that people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS actually get to use it. Just because they have the right to do it doesn’t mean we ought to let them.

Jeebus would not approve of folks who, again ARE NOT CHRISTIANS, praying right there in the open in front of the people who have to make our laws. No sir, Jeebus ain’t having none of that. Jeebus would know exactly what to do. And so do his followers.

About half of the legislators skipped the Wiccan invocation so they wouldn’t be sullied by listening to somebody — and we’re talking about a woman here, a woman who IS NOT CHRISTIAN — say a prayer. Having to listen to people who believe something different, that’s persecution, right there. Others showed up for the prayer, but turned their backs to the Wiccan just like Jeebus would have done. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake,” Jeebus said, “therefore shalt thou make your persecutors look at your butt.” Or words to that effect.

If you want to risk your immortal soul (or your mortal soul, if that’s what you have), you can hear what the woman who IS NOT CHRISTIAN had to say. You’ll probably be okay, though, if you turn your back to your computer while she’s speaking and engage in the Jeebus Butt Defense.

There. Did you hear that? She said ‘goddess’ and ‘spirit’ and right there are the end? She said ‘ah ho’ and you know what that means. Okay, you probably don’t know what that means, but you know it IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

Still, there’s room for hope. Yes, they let a Jew and a Muslim and even a Wiccan speak and pray, but at least they’ve kept the Buddhists and Hindus away. Once we let those people through the door Iowa might just as well give up and call itself Oregon.

Editorial Note Below is a list of every person giving the invocation before the Iowa House of Representatives this year. Invocations given by people who ARE NOT CHRISTIAN are in boldface:

1/12 Prayer offered by Darrin Whiting of Liberty Baptist Church
1/13 Prayer offered by Wayne Bahr, pastor of the Church of Christ Churches
1/14 Prayer offered by Brian Lund, pastor of Zion Evangelical and Reformed Church
1/15 Prayer offered by Pastor Nan Smith of Hope Methodist Church
1/20 Prayer offered by Pastor Mike Harvey of Carson Presbyterian Church
1/21 Prayer offered by Pastor Haddon Anderson of Garner Evangelical Free Churc
1/22 Prayer offered by Representative Bacon of Story County
1/26 Prayer offered by Pastor Brian Rihner of Grace Evangelical Church
1/27 Prayer offered by Pastor Jeff Erlemeier of Abundant Life Church
1/28 Prayer offered by Reverend Bob Dishman of Park Church of Christ
1/29 Prayer offered by Pastor Sarah Trone Garriott of Faith Lutheran Church
2/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Rod Rindahl of New Life Community Church
2/3 Prayer offered by Pastor Jerry Morningstar of Sully Community Church
2/4 Prayer offered by Pastor Dan Kuckuck of St. Stephen Lutheran Church
2/5 Prayer offered by Pastor Paul Willis of First Baptist Church
2/9 Prayer offered by Pastor Jim Mossman of St. Paul’s Lutheran and Presbyterian Church
2/10 Prayer offered by Pastor Steve Rowland of Rising Sun Church
2/11 Prayer offered by Reverend Erling Shultz of Sharon Center United Methodist Church
2/12 Prayer offered Pastor Tim Miller of Trinity United Lutheran Church
2/16 Prayer offered by Representative Baxter of Hancock County
2/17 Prayer offered by Pastor Bruce Smith of Macedonia Methodist Church
2/18 “God Bless America” sung by Aly Olson, Miss Iowa
2/19 “Our Father” sung by Senator Rita Hart
2/20 Prayer offered by Rich Taylor of Earlham Church of Christ
2/23 Prayer offered by Reverend Nathan Sherrill of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church
2/24 Prayer offered by Bishop Walker Nickless from the Diocese of Sioux City
2/25 Prayer offered by Reverend Elizabeth Popplewell of St. Luke’s Episcopal Church
2/26 Prayer offered by Representative Dolecheck of Ringgold County
3/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Wayne Sneller from First Reformed Church
3/3 Prayer offered by Representative Koester of Polk County
3/4 Prayer offered by retired Pastor Bob Bromley from the Christian Church, Disciples of Christ
3/5 Prayer offered by Pastor Eric Weaver from First Baptist Church
3/6 Prayer offered by Representative Hagenow of Polk County
3/10 Prayer offered by Representative Baxter of Hancock County
3/11 Prayer offered by Pastor John Taylor from Rock of Ages Baptist Church
3/12 Prayer offered by Father Ken Gehling, Chaplain from Mercy Medical Center
3/13 Prayer offered by Stephanie Erickson of Altoona,
3/16 Prayer offered Pastor Missy Brown of Keokuk Trinity United Methodist Church
3/17 Prayer offered by Father Dustin Vu from Blessed John XXIII Catholic Church
3/18 Prayer offered by Representative Gustafson of Madison County
3/19 Prayer offered by Sister Jeanne Hagedorn from the Congregation of the Humility of Mary
3/20 Prayer offered by Pastor Thomas Ross of Destiny Christian Church
3/23 Prayer offered by Retired Pastor Gene Bryant from Newton
3/24 Prayer offered by Pastor Darryl Larson from St. Matthews Lutheran Church
3/25 Prayer offered by retired Pastor George Hanusa
3/26 Prayer offered by Darin Dolecheck
3/27 Prayer offered by Aaron Britt
3/30 Prayer offered by Reverend Cindy Johnson from St. John Evangelical Lutheran Church
3/31 Prayer offered by Father Michael Amadeo from Holy Trinity Catholic Church i
4/1 Prayer offered by Rabbi Todd Thalblum from Temple Judah
4/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Richard Hendricks from Metropolitan Community Church
4/3 Prayer offered by Representative Cownie
4/6 “America the Beautiful” played by the Oskaloosa String Ensemble
4/7 “Star Spangled Banner” sung by Ottumwa Meistersingers Singers
4/8 Prayer offered by Mohammad Kahn from Mosque An-Noor
4/9 Prayer offered by Priestess Deborah Maynard from Cedar Rapids Unitarian Universalist
4/13 Prayer offered by James Thompson
4/14 Prayer offered by Pastor Gary Marzolf from Newton First United Methodist Church
4/15 “Amazing Grace” sung by the Pioneer Lawmakers Memorial Choir
4/16 Prayer offered by Pastor Thomas Ross of Destiny Christian Church