About greg

Just another bozo on the bus.

long title, short poem

A Short Poem in the Style of e.e.cummings Celebrating Iowa Congressional Representative Steve King, Who Recently Stated President Obama is Moving Our Country to the Left Towards the Ideology of Karl Marx

what
are you fucking
stupid?

ADDENDUM: It appears some old man hippie beatnik read my poem in public a few years before I wrote it. Coincidence? Or conspiracy?

And there it is.

in which i praise a texas republican

I have on occasion frequently mocked Republicans from Texas. In my defense, that particular breed of Republican richly deserves mocking. If you have any spare mocking lying about, spend it on Republicans from Texas. You won’t find a more mock-worthy group of folks.

So I’m delighted to say that today I have nothing but praise for one specific Republican from Texas. I’m talking about former Texas State Representative Todd Smith of Euless (which, by the way, is also known as ‘Tree City USA’.and which, I’m reliably informed, ranks ninth in the percentage of same-sex couples among cities in Texas — two facts that are completely unrelated. Which is a good thing, otherwise Republicans in Texas would likely engage in radical deforestation).

Why am I praising Republican Todd Smith? I’m about to tell you. But first, let’s chat a bit about Jade Helm 15. If you aren’t familiar with Jade Helm, let me first assure you it’s NOT the name of a Marvel Comics superhero. It’s actually a U.S. military training exercise scheduled to take place over a couple of months this summer. Similar exercises have been run in the United States for decades. But we live in Lunatic Times, which means there are a LOT of really stupid, paranoid people (almost all of whom belong to one or another febrile subset of the Republican party) who see Jade Helm as a strategy by our Muslim Kenyan president to…well, the true purpose of Jade Helm depends on which conspiracy theory you prefer to see revealed in ALL CAPS!!!

Here are some of the favorite theories. Jade Helm is a plot to: 1) Give Texas back to Mexico, 2) Impose martial law on…somebody, probably Texans, but can you trust Obama to stop there?, 3) Allow Baraq Hussein Obama to seize control of the entire nation, cancel the presidential elections, and declare him Dictator For Life, 4) Disarm patriotic, freedom-loving gun-owning white Christian patriots and intern them in FEMA camps, 5) Prepare a staging area in the American Southwest for Chinese troops to invade across the Mexican border, 6) Same scenario, only with Russian troops who’ve been arming Mexican drug cartels, 7) Same scenario, only with drug cartels and Islamic terrorists who have been training together for months in Juarez, 8) Same scenario again, only with United Nations peacekeeper troops.

caption maybe

The Russian Gambit — Jade Helm Variation

The evidence for these plots? Somebody spoke to a guy who is a former SEAL who says he saw a train with cattle cars fitted out with shackles. This completely reliable information can only mean the government is going to arrest Christian patriots and haul them to indoctrination camps. Also, Wal-Mart has closed several stores because of “plumbing problems”. Obviously this is a ruse. In reality, those stores are being converted into food distribution centers to feed the invading Chinese/Russian/drug cartel/ISIS/United Nations invasion troops. Also too, the US military has announced its intentions to operate this so-called “exercise” as a means of pacifying resistance, and they’ve asked permission from both State and County governments to conduct the exercise in their territory — and that’s completely fucking suspicious. Also too plus in addition, when asked about Jade Helm, military spokesmen claim it’s just a harmless exercise — and they are liars, because it’s perfectly clear that:

For years now, our veterans, Christians, patriots, gun owners, constitutionalists, pro-life advocates, small government supporters, small businesses, real journalists in the press, anti-corruption activists, anti-UN Agenda 21 advocates, anti-global warming supporters, anti-war patriots, anti-criminal immigration supporters, have all been targeted by this administration as enemies of the United States, even within government documents. Are we supposed to trust that they have pure intentions now?

Clearly, the people who believe any of these theories — or even spend a moment seriously considering them — are totally fucking nuts. Or suffering from some sort of terminal prion disease. Or both.

Infected with Jade Helmism

Gov. Abbott desperately trying to save Tinkerbelle

One of those people is Greg Abbott. A lot of folks confuse Greg Abbott with Bud Abbott. Easy mistake to make. Bud Abbott was the chubby putz who was half of the classic comedy team of Abbott and Costello. Greg Abbot is the putz who is the newly elected Governor of Texas. Gov. Abbott, concerned for the “safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties” of Texans, ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor the military exercise.

And that finally brings me to Todd Smith. Smith served 16 years in the Texas legislature. He’s a solidly conservative Republican. And he just wrote the best goddamned letter to Greg Abbott. Granted, Smith’s prose is a tad convoluted, but it’s the thought that counts, right? I’m going to print the letter in its entirety. It’s that good.

Dear Governor Abbott,

Let me apologize in advance that your letter pandering to idiots who believe that US navy Seals and other US military personnel are somehow a threat to be watched has left me livid. As a 16 year Republican member of the Texas House and a patriotic AMERICAN, I am horrified that I have to choose between the possibility that my Governor actually believes this stuff and the possibility that my Governor doesn’t have the backbone to stand up to those who do. I’m not sure which is worse. As one of the remaining Republicans who actually believes in making decisions based on facts and evidence — you used to be a judge? — I am appalled that you would give credence to the nonsense mouthed by those who instead make decisions based on internet or radio chock jock driven hysteria. Is there ANYBODY who is going to stand up to this radical nonsense that is cancer on our State and Party? It is alarming that our State Republican leadership is such that we must choose between DEGREES of demagoguery. I know that in many cases you are the better of the two demagogues (see the Lieutenant Governor driven nut job rant regarding your Pre-K program as a recent example). Having been there, I also know that politicians are not always able to speak their mind because they represent large groups of people and not just themselves. But this bone that you have thrown to those who believe that the US Military is a threat to the State of Texas is an embarrassing distance beyond the pale. You are Governor of Texas! This is an open request–from a ghost of our State’s recent Republican past–that you act like it. Enough is enough. You have embarrassed and disappointed all Texans who are informed, patriotic Americans. And it is important to rational governance that thinking Republicans call you out on it.

And he signs it sincerely. How great is that? Pretty great, is how great.

I’m confident I’d have some serious ideological and political (and grammatical) differences with Todd Smith, but at long last there’s a Republican (and one from Texas) who is calling bullshit on these lunatics and the Fuckwit Collective politicians who pander to them.

Yay for Todd Smith.

intercession, and all that

Today, apparently, is the National Day of Prayer. I wasn’t aware of that. I was completely and utterly ignorant that the United States has a National Day of Prayer. I’m not at all sure why we need a National Day of Prayer, but we have one and it’s today.

I learned today is the National Day of Prayer when a friend asked me, saying “Hey, Greg, did you know today is the National Day of Prayer?” He then urged me to go to the National Day of Prayer website and “leave a snarky comment”. When I asked why I’d want to do that, he said “You’re good at snarky comments.” Which didn’t really answer the question (does that count as a snarky comment?).

I did go to the website, on account of I’m curious about stuff like this. And I discovered the mission of the National Day of Prayer, which is

[T]o communicate with every individual the need for personal repentance and prayer, to create appropriate materials, and to mobilize the Christian community to intercede for America’s leaders and its families.

Well. Okay, then. Good on the Christians, I guess. Very thoughtful of them to pray on behalf of America’s leaders (seriously, it IS thoughtful, though I’d be interested to hear some of those prayers involving President Obama). The website also states:

The National Day of Prayer belongs to all Americans. It is a day that transcends differences, bringing together citizens from all backgrounds.

All Americans. Transcends differences. All backgrounds. Unless, it seems, you’re not Christian. That difference, not quite transcended. (Is that snarky? I guess it’s kind of snarky.) Still, thoughtful and all that. The website also includes the official prayer for the National Day of Prayer. Which is pretty old school, with bits about being humbled and broken, and cries for mercy, and a reference to ‘you are our only hope’ (and I’m sorry, I cannot hear that phrase without mentally adding ‘Obi-wan’ and c’mon, you did the same thing, fess up).

There’s a National Day of Prayer video, because you can’t have any sort of national day without a video.

It’s a racially diverse video. There’s young white woman whose boyfriend tells her he just wants to be friends, there’s a hard-working white laborer whose boss tells him he has to work late, there’s a middle-class white woman whose middle-class white husband doesn’t believe in the Bible, and there’s a black kid in sneakers who lives in a neighborhood where other black kids gamble on the sidewalk. The National Day of Prayer apparently allowed the black kid to walk right through a group of thugs shooting dice, caused the middle-class white husband to join his wife reading the Bible, informed the hard-working white guy that he should work even harder, and…well, the young white woman still doesn’t have a boyfriend, but at least she’s white and has a nice sofa on which to cry. So there’s that.

I noodled around for a bit on the National Day of Prayer website, but I didn’t leave a snarky comment. Not because there’s no snark-worthy material there, but because why should I go out of my way to offend Christians? That just seems silly and spiteful. Yes, there are Christians who, despite the fact that we have an actual National Day of Prayer (not to mention national Christian holidays), continue to believe Christians are somehow being suppressed and victimized. And yes, there are a lot of Christians who are astonishing hypocrites.

But so what? Most of the people I know are Christian in some sense, and most of them are good people. I can’t blame them because they share some religious beliefs with people who are total assholes.

But you know what would be cool? If we, as a nation, had a National Day of Not Being a Dick. That would be cool. Or a National Day of Maybe We Should Trust Women to Make Their Own Reproductive Decisions. I’d also like to see a National Day of Get Off Your Ass and Take a Walk or Ride a Bike. Or how about a National Day to Eat Vegan? I’m not a vegan, or even a vegetarian, but I think it would be worthwhile for people to consider the moral consequences of their food choices. I can think of a LOT of national days that seem more relevant and important than a National Day of Prayer specifically for Christians.

If I prayed — if I believed in Something or Someone to pray to — I’d pray for something like that. Even if there wasn’t a national day for it.

 

huckster

The term comes from the Middle Dutch word hoken, which referred to an itinerant peddler. You know, somebody who traveled from village to village, hawking (which also comes from hoken, by the way) his wares. Inexpensive pots and pans, jugs and jars, knives and scissors. Cheap goods that needed replacing or repair with some frequency.

By the middle of the 19th century, huckster had taken on an offensive connotation through much of the world. Hucksters were considered to be a low form of swindler, people who relied on the gullibility, greed, naïveté, prejudice, vanity, pride, and dishonesty of their customers to sell them a product of low quality — or one that didn’t work at all. A snake oil salesman.

snake oil

Which brings us to Senator Ted Cruz. Unlike many Republican politicians from Texas, Cruz isn’t stupid. I mean, when Congressman Louie Gohmert argues against providing US funds to China to help preserve the habitat of certain rare species of wild cats and dogs because (and seriously, I’m NOT making this up) he’s concerned the Chinese will turn those dogs and cats into “moo goo dog pan or moo goo cat pan,” you can assume he must have nibbled on lead paint as a child. Gohmert is just stupid.

Ted Cruz isn’t stupid. Cruz went to Harvard Law, and graduated magna cum laude, He clerked for J. Michael Luttig of the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit, which is a big deal. He then clerked for William Rehnquist, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States, which is an even bigger deal. Ted Cruz is not stupid.

If you're a jackass and you know it, raise your hand.

If you’re a jackass and you know it, raise your hand.

He is, though, a complete jackass. An arrogant poseur, a smarmy and egregious dick, a huckster of the first order. His latest snake oil scam? He’s introduced two (not just one, but two) bills that would ‘protect’ states that bar same-sex couples from marrying.

The first bill (S.J. Res. 12) is called ‘a joint resolution proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States relative to marriage’. It would apparently (and I say ‘apparently’ because Cruz hasn’t supplied the text of the proposed bill yet) create an actual constitutional amendment prohibiting legal action against states that banned same-sex marriage. That’s right, this wanker is proposing to change the goddam U.S. Constitution to reflect his own religious values. And I use the term ‘values’ loosely.

The second bill (S. 1080) would apparently (and again I say ‘apparently’ for the same reason; Cruz hasn’t bothered to actually write the text of the bill) limit the jurisdiction of Federal courts to consider cases involving same-sex marriage. Basically, Cruz wants to block the power of Federal courts to hear or rule on marriage equality cases until after his constitutional amendment bullshit has been resolved.

For external use only.

For external use only.

These two bills are theater, part of his right-wing kabuki dance intended to feed the homophobia of the ignorant yahoos who might vote for him during the presidential primaries. Neither of the bills has a fucking prayer of ever becoming law. Cruz knows this. Remember, he’s not actually stupid, though he plays stupid on television. These proposals will not only give him cred among right-wing lunatics, they’ll force the other Republican candidates to take a position on them. That means they’ll either fall in line with Cruz, which makes him look like a leader, or they’ll oppose them, which will weaken them in the eyes of the rabid Republican right-wing  Either way, it’s a waste of time and money on symbolic, self-serving claptrap.

In other words, it’s classic Ted Cruz — the strongest and best liniment known for the cure of all pain and lameness. For external use only.

i’m not against, i don’t think, i don’t believe

It’s really sort of amazing. Here’s Marco Rubio — Republican Senator from Florida and hopeless candidate for President of These United States — telling Bob Schieffer, the mummified host of Face the Nation, two totally contradictory statements in a row:

[I]t’s not that I’m against gay marriage. I believe the definition of the institution of marriage should be between one man and one woman.

He’s not against gay marriage — he just believes marriage should be between a man and a woman. No matter how many times I repeat that, it continues to defy my ability to make sense of it. Schieffer, to his credit, didn’t leap out of his chair and scream “What the fuck are you talking about?” He allowed Rubio to continue.

States have always regulated marriage. And if a state wants to have a different definition, you should petition the state legislature and have a political debate. I don’t think courts should be making that decision. I don’t believe same-sex marriage is a constitutional right.

But State courts have always had the power to decide if laws passed by State legislatures are in accord with the State constitution. That’s what happened in Massachusetts in 2004. And in Connecticut in 2008, and in Iowa in 2009. And also in Wyoming and Alabama and Wisconsin and Arizona and West Virginia and eighteen other states. Of the 37 states in which marriage equality exists, 26 of those states legalized it through the court system.

But Rubio had still more to say about same-sex marriage. He continued:

I also don’t believe that your sexual preferences are a choice for the vast and enormous majority of people. And, in fact, the bottom line is that I believe that sexual preference is something that people are born with.

Rubio agrees the ‘”vast and enormous majority” of folks who identify as gay are born that way. But he apparently also believes that being born gay automatically deprives those folks of the privilege of marrying somebody they love.

Here’s the interview. Rubio’s incoherent  and contradictory stance on same-sex marriage is near the end (it begins around the ninth minute):

Earlier in the interview (if you can stomach it) Rubio makes equally incoherent and garbled statements about U.S. policy towards Iran, his reasons for running for office, and climate change. This is classic Rubio — a dedicated refusal to offer up any answer that might some day be used against him. This is the guy who, when asked about the age of the Earth, said this:

“I’m not a scientist, man….[T]here are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created.”

Then followed that up with:

“It’s one of the great mysteries.”

No, it’s not. It’s not a great mystery. Rubio may not be a scientist, but folks who ARE scientist are pretty fucking clear about this NOT being anything remotely like a mystery. By weasling out of the question, Rubio is effectively saying “I’m not a scientist, and I’m not willing to believe anything scientists tell me.” He’s effectively saying “Science can go fuck itself in the neck.”

I'm not a biologist. There are multiple theories about whether this is my finger. It might be my finger. It's a mystery.

I’m not a biologist. There are multiple theories about whether this is my finger. It might be my finger. It’s a mystery.

But there’s one brightly illuminated, internally consistent, deeply suppressed thread that ties all those disjointed positions together. It’s this: Rubio wants to get elected, and he’ll attempt to avoid saying anything that might possibly cost him a vote. If he has any strong opinion about anything at all, he’ll strangle it in the crib before letting it interfere with his ambitions.

You know what’s really a mystery? How a person is able to stand erect while having a spine made of Jello.

iowa this close to becoming oregon, probably

April is the cruelest month — for Jeebus. Oh, not because of that Easter thing. You know, that whole being crucified business, and having to rise from the dead and all. That’s part of the savior job description. That’s why he gets the big bucks.

No, I’m talking about April being the cruelest month in terms of respect. Respect from the Iowa House of Representatives. That’s right, Jeebus is getting dissed by legislators from the corn-fed state. We’re only halfway through April and we’ve already had three folks who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS offer prayers to begin the daily legislative session. Three! This month!

And last month? Last month there were…well, okay, there weren’t any non-Christians giving the invocation in March. Or February. Or, okay, January either. But that’s not the point. The point is in April there have been three. So far. A Wiccan priestess, a Muslim imam, and a Jewish rabbi (and c’mon, you know you want to follow that up with ‘walk into a bar’ right?). And Jews and Wiccans and Muslims ARE NOT CHRISTIANS.

It’s like the legislature is treating people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS just like they were Christians. And Republicans who love Jeebus are totally upset.

That cranky woman with the big hair? Tamara Scott. She’s an Iowa representative of the Republican National Committee (for Jeebus). And on the day a Wiccan addressed the Iowa lege, she made the following point:

“I was there at seven o’clock, before the witch got there. I wanted to welcome her with prayer. The storm outside? That was my fault. I was praying for lightning. In love. In love. Just a little joke.”

No, wait. That wasn’t her point. That was just a lighthearted jest about killing witches. And people say Christians don’t have a sense of humor. No, this was her point:

[W]hen we’re not willing to defend our God in the public square, we shouldn’t be surprised when others try to replace Him.

You guys, we are totally replacing Jeebus by allowing three different folks who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS to offer a prayer in the Iowa House of Representatives. Those three prayers given earlier this month, they completely wipe out all of the 58 Christian prayers that were given during the rest of this year.

In fairness, Ms Scott admits people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS also have a right to give the invocation. You know, technically and legally and all that. I’m just going to take a wild guess here, but I suspect she probably hasn’t actually read the decision in Town of Greece v. Galloway, but it surely does say a pre-session prayer is okay so long as it “does not discriminate against minority faiths in determining who may offer a prayer, and the prayer does not coerce participation with non-adherents.” Ms. Scott understands they have that right; she just thinks it’s a shame that people who ARE NOT CHRISTIANS actually get to use it. Just because they have the right to do it doesn’t mean we ought to let them.

Jeebus would not approve of folks who, again ARE NOT CHRISTIANS, praying right there in the open in front of the people who have to make our laws. No sir, Jeebus ain’t having none of that. Jeebus would know exactly what to do. And so do his followers.

About half of the legislators skipped the Wiccan invocation so they wouldn’t be sullied by listening to somebody — and we’re talking about a woman here, a woman who IS NOT CHRISTIAN — say a prayer. Having to listen to people who believe something different, that’s persecution, right there. Others showed up for the prayer, but turned their backs to the Wiccan just like Jeebus would have done. “Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake,” Jeebus said, “therefore shalt thou make your persecutors look at your butt.” Or words to that effect.

If you want to risk your immortal soul (or your mortal soul, if that’s what you have), you can hear what the woman who IS NOT CHRISTIAN had to say. You’ll probably be okay, though, if you turn your back to your computer while she’s speaking and engage in the Jeebus Butt Defense.

There. Did you hear that? She said ‘goddess’ and ‘spirit’ and right there are the end? She said ‘ah ho’ and you know what that means. Okay, you probably don’t know what that means, but you know it IS NOT CHRISTIAN.

Still, there’s room for hope. Yes, they let a Jew and a Muslim and even a Wiccan speak and pray, but at least they’ve kept the Buddhists and Hindus away. Once we let those people through the door Iowa might just as well give up and call itself Oregon.

Editorial Note Below is a list of every person giving the invocation before the Iowa House of Representatives this year. Invocations given by people who ARE NOT CHRISTIAN are in boldface:

1/12 Prayer offered by Darrin Whiting of Liberty Baptist Church
1/13 Prayer offered by Wayne Bahr, pastor of the Church of Christ Churches
1/14 Prayer offered by Brian Lund, pastor of Zion Evangelical and Reformed Church
1/15 Prayer offered by Pastor Nan Smith of Hope Methodist Church
1/20 Prayer offered by Pastor Mike Harvey of Carson Presbyterian Church
1/21 Prayer offered by Pastor Haddon Anderson of Garner Evangelical Free Churc
1/22 Prayer offered by Representative Bacon of Story County
1/26 Prayer offered by Pastor Brian Rihner of Grace Evangelical Church
1/27 Prayer offered by Pastor Jeff Erlemeier of Abundant Life Church
1/28 Prayer offered by Reverend Bob Dishman of Park Church of Christ
1/29 Prayer offered by Pastor Sarah Trone Garriott of Faith Lutheran Church
2/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Rod Rindahl of New Life Community Church
2/3 Prayer offered by Pastor Jerry Morningstar of Sully Community Church
2/4 Prayer offered by Pastor Dan Kuckuck of St. Stephen Lutheran Church
2/5 Prayer offered by Pastor Paul Willis of First Baptist Church
2/9 Prayer offered by Pastor Jim Mossman of St. Paul’s Lutheran and Presbyterian Church
2/10 Prayer offered by Pastor Steve Rowland of Rising Sun Church
2/11 Prayer offered by Reverend Erling Shultz of Sharon Center United Methodist Church
2/12 Prayer offered Pastor Tim Miller of Trinity United Lutheran Church
2/16 Prayer offered by Representative Baxter of Hancock County
2/17 Prayer offered by Pastor Bruce Smith of Macedonia Methodist Church
2/18 “God Bless America” sung by Aly Olson, Miss Iowa
2/19 “Our Father” sung by Senator Rita Hart
2/20 Prayer offered by Rich Taylor of Earlham Church of Christ
2/23 Prayer offered by Reverend Nathan Sherrill of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church
2/24 Prayer offered by Bishop Walker Nickless from the Diocese of Sioux City
2/25 Prayer offered by Reverend Elizabeth Popplewell of St. Luke’s Episcopal Church
2/26 Prayer offered by Representative Dolecheck of Ringgold County
3/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Wayne Sneller from First Reformed Church
3/3 Prayer offered by Representative Koester of Polk County
3/4 Prayer offered by retired Pastor Bob Bromley from the Christian Church, Disciples of Christ
3/5 Prayer offered by Pastor Eric Weaver from First Baptist Church
3/6 Prayer offered by Representative Hagenow of Polk County
3/10 Prayer offered by Representative Baxter of Hancock County
3/11 Prayer offered by Pastor John Taylor from Rock of Ages Baptist Church
3/12 Prayer offered by Father Ken Gehling, Chaplain from Mercy Medical Center
3/13 Prayer offered by Stephanie Erickson of Altoona,
3/16 Prayer offered Pastor Missy Brown of Keokuk Trinity United Methodist Church
3/17 Prayer offered by Father Dustin Vu from Blessed John XXIII Catholic Church
3/18 Prayer offered by Representative Gustafson of Madison County
3/19 Prayer offered by Sister Jeanne Hagedorn from the Congregation of the Humility of Mary
3/20 Prayer offered by Pastor Thomas Ross of Destiny Christian Church
3/23 Prayer offered by Retired Pastor Gene Bryant from Newton
3/24 Prayer offered by Pastor Darryl Larson from St. Matthews Lutheran Church
3/25 Prayer offered by retired Pastor George Hanusa
3/26 Prayer offered by Darin Dolecheck
3/27 Prayer offered by Aaron Britt
3/30 Prayer offered by Reverend Cindy Johnson from St. John Evangelical Lutheran Church
3/31 Prayer offered by Father Michael Amadeo from Holy Trinity Catholic Church i
4/1 Prayer offered by Rabbi Todd Thalblum from Temple Judah
4/2 Prayer offered by Pastor Richard Hendricks from Metropolitan Community Church
4/3 Prayer offered by Representative Cownie
4/6 “America the Beautiful” played by the Oskaloosa String Ensemble
4/7 “Star Spangled Banner” sung by Ottumwa Meistersingers Singers
4/8 Prayer offered by Mohammad Kahn from Mosque An-Noor
4/9 Prayer offered by Priestess Deborah Maynard from Cedar Rapids Unitarian Universalist
4/13 Prayer offered by James Thompson
4/14 Prayer offered by Pastor Gary Marzolf from Newton First United Methodist Church
4/15 “Amazing Grace” sung by the Pioneer Lawmakers Memorial Choir
4/16 Prayer offered by Pastor Thomas Ross of Destiny Christian Church

that’s done, then

Well, there it is. Hillary Clinton is going to be the next President of These United States. We can all relax now.

Oh, we’ll still have to go through a painfully long and deeply vicious campaign. There’ll be an obscene amount of money spent, and it’ll get ugly really quick, but it won’t make much difference in the end. And, of course, there’s that whole election business, but I don’t think the Republicans can disenfranchise enough voters to prevent her election. So unless she does something incredibly stupid, Hillary will be the first woman president. It’s as inevitable as anything can be in American politics (which is to say it’s pretty fucking inevitable).

Hillary Clinton - Democratic candidate for president

Hillary Clinton – Democratic candidate for president

Here are three reasons why she’ll be elected. First, she’s a Democrat and right now the Democratic party is the only party in the U.S. that isn’t completely batshit insane. The GOP has encouraged and nourished extremists to the extent that nobody can survive a primary race without embracing at least a half-dozen policies that are so fucking ridiculous and/or hateful they’ll make the general public recoil in horror. Or, worse, laughter. Whoever survives the GOP cannibal island primary and gets the nomination will either believe or claim to believe some lunatic fringe ideas. Like evolution is ‘just a theory’ or ‘there’s no scientific consensus on climate change’ or ‘there is a war against Christians in the U.S.’ or ‘the Second Amendment is under attack.’

The most only closest thing they have to a serious candidate is Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush is about as interesting as a blancmange.

Jeb Bush -- Republican candidate for president (probably)

Jeb Bush — Republican candidate for president (probably)

Second, Hillary Clinton is oddly scandal-proof. It’s not that she’s immune to scandal; it’s that she’s been a scandal magnet for so long that another scandal won’t really matter. Even better, so many of the scandals attached to Hillary have been so patently absurd that they suck the energy out of any genuine scandal. She’s been the target of a couple dozen Congressional investigations, all of which received a lot of press attention and all of which ended with a quiet ‘no actual wrongdoing was found’ report.

The Republicans will attack her, to be sure. The problem for them is that so many of those attacks will be clearly deranged. Every time some fuckwit calls her Hitlery, or attacks her as a Communist lesbian who killed Vince Foster to prevent him from revealing the Arkansas drug smuggling ring, it’ll chip away at any legitimate attacks that could (and should) be made against her. In that sense, the crazier the Hillary conspiracy theory, the better for her candidacy.

Hitlery - delusional fuckwit candidate for tyrant

Hitlery – delusional fuckwit candidate for tyrant

Third, like her or not, as president Hillary Clinton can be counted on to do some things no Republican would do. Like protect marriage equality and the Affordable Care Act. Hillary may not want to move the U.S. forward very far or very quickly, but at least she’s not trying to drag us back to some whitebread misguided fantasy of the 1950s.

I admit, Hillary Clinton isn’t the candidate I’d have picked. She’s not progressive enough for me, and she’s overly concerned with secrecy (though it’s hard to blame her for that, given the public shark pool she’s lived in for the last three decades or so). She’s too friendly with Wall Street, and she’s too inclined to consider the politics of an issue before anything else. But she’s pragmatic, she’s smart, and she’s been around the block a few times. We could do a lot worse.